Preventing future wife taking 50% in possible future divorce.

Lusignan

clipboard2 wrote: »

You are a catch, and she knows it. I am sorry, but all my experience tells me she is after your money, lovely as I am sure she is now as a person.

I think that's probably a little unfair. There's nothing wrong with a woman having kids and being a SAHM as her lifegoal, and she's been honest about that. Who in that position wouldn't want a good provider? They then both benefit from having a family, with mutual input in different areas.

The problem seems to be that at this stage the OP and his girlfriend want different things.

Dumyat

I think what I was trying to say is your are not ready for marriage. It not about having romantic ideals. There is nothing wrong with being a realist. it just comes over in your post that you are not ready for marriage. Seems you want different things out of life.

you are very young, why not just enjoy life and live together?


and from a woman's point of view I stand by my comment that you have said some very hurtful things there about your girlfriend and I am not surprised she was upset when you tried to discuss it. please try and see it from her point of view too - it will earn you brownie points

vickyj

albertross wrote: »

It sounds like you want to cohabit, rather than get married. So just do that instead. Marriage and kids come at a cost.. If you do either, you'll probably be paying for that decision for the rest of your life. So if you don't feel comfortable doing that, you have to ask yourself, why do you want to get married.

I got married a year ago after being with husband for 6 years. We have children & house, he is the main earner by far but run my own photography business. He works long hours and he has ofen said when we talk of him reducing hourd that he works these hours so that in the long run the kids can benefit from a fab lifestyle.
Iff it is what is truly right then you will get soo much out of a marriage. even though we wereco-habiting for a long time getting married has brought us even closer together and i would srongly reccommend it .
You have to judge her character for yourself wether she will try to "take you" if anything bad happens. But lets get something strait if it is you that screws things up with her (affair etc) then why should she loose the lifestyle she has built with you by supporting you and raising your children ??
overall though you sound sensible just dont let you cash brain screw up a potential fab relationship

Vicky

DKLS

Having just met up with an old mate in Amsterdam over the weekend, Who was an inv banker in the city, Mega salary and bonuses that would make some blush, He was burnt out by 32, and now grows "plants" in holland. I would be aware that the profession has a high drop out rate, You sound intelligent with your head screwed on, My mate left the industry financially secure, but did all the nutty late 80s stuff, Seychelles for the weekend, Racing 911s to Newquay etc, so probably you will be well aware, and make allowances for a potential change in career.
Like others have said get a good lawyer, and consider an off shore bank account to stash your spare cash.
I do admire you for sticking with your GF, I am sure the temptation to "trade up" could be stronger in weaker men.

Dumyat

"trade up"

PrincessTaylor

You want to stop and think if your girlfriend was anyone else then you would probably still be thinking these things, which is very wise indeed. Even a woman earning as much as yourself just now could effectively run off with half of it in the future after having a family.

My OH and i have had this conversation in the past. We are both very realistic and both come from a slightly poorer background. He had the whole big happy family scenario whilst i lived very much in a one parent family (most of the time) and watched my mum balance books every morning and struggle week in week out. OH likes to spend money now on luxuries without really thinking of the consequences until its too late. I tend to be more cautious but more due to the fact that i am the stay at home mum to 2 kids and another due any moment (i am also self-employed but i hardly earn a thing). I'm only 23 ~ some would say a bit too young but i had dreams of running my own private nursery and had vowed to never have kids when i accidently fell pregnant in college. Had it not been for the fact that OH was so over the moon i am not very sure how i would have reacted. We are married now and even though he earns it all, i have to make sure he doesn't spend it all.

I suppose what i am trying to say is that communication is the key, no subject is taboo here, we are very open and other people on the outside see that this is how we get along so well. If she is getting upset with you bringing up the subject ~ i can see why~ then you need to approach it more gently. OH used to ask if i would screw him out of half his pension etc....... I suppose in a way i have kept the home and put my career plans on hold for the family but that was also my decision. I told him that if he ever did anything drastically wrong then i would hold his crown jewels on a string so to speak (eg if he ever cheated etc). Before i fell pregnant our finances were always kept seperate, but then he started asking me all the time if i could have a joint bank account, i kept refusing, not because i like my finances separate but i thought it was a huge step for anyone to take, especially as i knew he would be earning a lot more and i didn't want him to feel like he had to trust me. I eventually relented, you can't really have a family and keep financial things seperate.

Your gf may get quite miffed if you mention the fact that she earns a low salary. OH mentions now and then jokingly about him being the breadwinner (i would be overjoyed if he earned as much as you though) and it does hurt me. Being a parent is a very underated job. I put my heart and soul into providing for my family in a non-financial way, but i want to have a career, thats why it hurts. I have always earned my own money up until i was made redundant during maternity leave in 2005, it pains me to not be earning regularly.

I do admire you for sticking with your GF, I am sure the temptation to "trade up" could be stronger in weaker men.

:eek: I am shocked

Dumyat

thanks princess taylor for being shocked at that comment.


you are right - it is not about the money. its about communication and respect.

DKLS

:eek: I am shocked

Its not that uncommon, for BOTH sexes, The person you fall for at UNI, may not be what you want when your earning 60K+, You can see from the OPs posts that while he loves his GF, they have clearly different views on career progression, and some day he may see his GF holding him back in his career, hence Trading Up for a GF who has the ambition and drive to be hugely successful in her own right or encourage him to be as successful as possible, If hes on 60K plus, why not aim for 120K + or more?.

Dumyat

I think we will need to agree to disagree on that one

I take your point, but why consider marriage then if she's not going to be the one?

mpython

Hi LondLad, welcome to MSE, hope you enjoy it here.

I'm not at all sure you need financial advise, more like relationship advice. You & your partner sound like chalk & cheese, but then opposites can attract. You seem to regard you're present earning power as a label but don't put an eqivalent value on your OH being a mother to your kids. Personally, I think being a good parent is a much more valuable thing than having a job in the city (I've done both and kids last a lot longer!)

Why don't you try imagining a few different scenarios and thinking about how you'd feel?

What if you lost your city job and you're OH was the main breadwinner?
What if you couldn't work again?
What if you're OH won the lottery, would you expect half the winnings (Before or after any divorce)?
What if you or your OH can't have kids?
What if your OH left you today?

The list goes on. All I'm trying to illustrate is that what you think is important to you today may not be at all important to you next year, or to your OH.

If you're thinking about marriage, you have to realise its not just a 1 day fancy party with lots of posh frocks. Its a contract to share all your possessions with your partner. When it works, its brilliant, and if you're lucky enough to have kids, they can make your live more fulfilling than any £billion deal will. Of course, there are downsides, and many marriages break down. So as with anything in life you have to decide how risk adverse you are.

You've got to decide whether you want to get married, & if so, accept the laws that go with it.