Every day dilemma...!

HeadAboveWater

Firstly, thank you very much for confirming that I'm not going crazy unixgirluk

Daughters are 12, 15 and 17, so will be around for a while yet!
The house is a 3 bedroom semi with < £30k on the mortgage. He's only been in it a couple of years, but has put a lot of work and money into it. We did our bedroom up at the start of the year, and he's just bought 2 of these for the youngest girls as they share a room. Only thing really would be the kitchen which could do with an overhaul but it's not a rush.

Girls are happy where they are. They've moved countless times over the years due to their mum and dad splitting, fight for custody, their dad renting and moving about. They finally have a permanent home and he wants to uproot them again?! Youngest 2 will only be happy with a move if they get a bedroom each. Eldest is totally against the idea of moving.

And OH wants a garage. Figure there'd be no problem getting planning permission, so again not necessary to move.

OHs brother is probably going to be moving out from the wife in the near year, and OH wants to rent his house to him. That seems to be the answer to 'why the rush?'
Personally, I think OH is an idiot for considering renting to his brother, but on his head be it.

HeadAboveWater

unixgirluk wrote: »

The 'lads' holiday in my mind is a bad idea. It might be something he's always wanted to do but 2 weeks away is a bit much. Could he not compromise on say 3-4 days away doing this? Also why has he suddenly gone got brochures etc without talking to you?

I'm not sure how long he plans to go for but I can't imagine him doing Europe in a few days

And he hasn't even checked if I'll be ok looking after HIS daughters for him!! :mad:
Yes if he died tomorrow I'd take them on no problem. But that's not the point!

pencakes26 wrote: »

I think its important to be able to do your own thing sometimes, married or not..serious relationships can be tough on us all and a break can be good.

I do agree with that!

My ex-OH went skiing for two weeks in Colorado with the boys and I didnt question it at all (in front of him anyway). He loved skiing and I didnt want to be the one that stopped him doing something that was probably a once in a lifetime trip, partly because I knew how much he wanted to go and because I didnt want him to ever resent me for it.

That's what I needed to hear!
May just have to bite my tongue in front of him and come on here to rant (and cry!!!! )

I do understand though that you want to go away with him properly first though, I'd feel the same. Compromise is definitely the way forward on this one which is easier said than done, but I am sure you will find a way to keep you both happy

This is the bit we've got to work on. Compromise.


Thank you for your input both of you. Means a lot

Uniscots97

Having been where you are you shuoldn't be wanting to cry but (and also having been where you are) its about your OH realising he needs to think about you as well. He's gone from marriage to single and for certain things his mind is still in that mode. My OH is the same, he'll spend money or put it to his debts without thinking how that might affect me. SD was still 12 when I met OH and he would accept work without asking me (evening work) and expect me to look after her. On occasion I ended taking her to work with me which did not go down well. Do the girls not stay with their mother at all? What about the 17yo, is she going off to college etc?

HeadAboveWater

I was talking to OH a night last week. Said that the one thing that was the most important, was that we would make any and all decisions together. Whether we stayed, moved, rented, bought, whatever: so long as we talked about it and agreed together.
Starting to think he's forgotten already...!

OH has full custody of his girls. Their mum is only allowed supervised contact. They stay with their nan on a Tuesday and Saturday night and their mum maybe shows once every few months. And when she does show she's drunk, argues, and they wanna come home It's honestly heartbreaking.

17yo is at a local tech so no sign of her moving out for a while I imagine.

Uniscots97

Hopefully he's not forgotten. But I would maybe suggest both of you talking to the 17yo about money management i.e. digs, save money for car/flat or if she's not working etc. Show her a good example.
as for the mother OMG! SS and SD's Mum gave them up to go off with someone else when they were little. OH has a letter from her lawyer stating she would give up all rights to them if she could have the furniture!!!!! It was also found out that their mother had had another child before OH met her and abandoned that one too! OH always said to the kids that if they wanted to see their mother he wouldn't stop them. SD decided to go find her mother after all the trouble she caused 2 year ago. The mother has had another child recently. SD doesn't want SS getting in touch with their mother. Yet their mother allows this. That tells you the type of person she is i.e. not nice. You may find your OH's ex cleans up her act but it might take a while but in the meantime you need to be a team for the girls as believe me if they see a divide they may try to exploit it.

HeadAboveWater

We're in the process of trying to talk to DD1. But when she struggles to make £60 EMA last 2 weeks because of hair/extensions/fake eyelashes/fake tan/make up/bottles of boost/chocolate/etc, we haven't a hope!!!

Yeah the mother leaves a lot to be desired. I only know a small fraction of what happened during and after the marriage. One being the fact she preferred the girls to go into care than to their dad OH keeps saying he should write a book!!
Either way, if she does or doesn't clean up her act, I'll be there for the girls. Big sister/step mum/aunt/friend. I don't mind. I won't turn my back on them

There's already a ?? over the father/daughter relationship with the girls too unfortunately He's very strict and regimented at times and can be quite harsh. To be honest I don't like the way he speaks to them sometimes. Nor me for that matter!! He's very selfish in the fact that it's his way or no way a lot of the time. And what bugs me most about that is he won't take the time to listen to anyone elses opinion.


...starting to think this diary should be moved to the relationship/families board!! :rotfl:

pencakes26

I suppose the way I look at these things is if I wanted to do something that I'd been thinking about for years, I wouldnt like it if I felt like I was being told I couldnt. I think as long as he talks to you properly about it, you'll feel much happier and it wont be an issue. Also, the likelihood of him going away again for such a long time is probably very slim so I imagine its one of those "suck it up for now" moments because 2 weeks in the whole scheme of things isnt that long..

As for the housing situation, its a no brainer really, financially and logically. Why dont you write a list of pros and cons just to show him how silly it would be to move? Blokes need things spelling out sometimes!

Sad situation with the mother Its horrible for the kids to have to deal with that, but at least they have you around now.

HeadAboveWater

Big BIG thank you pencakes26 for your rational thinking. I needed that I should be excited for him, not jealous (well, maybe a little! )
I don't know if it will even happen so no point getting worked up yet. Just need to be prepared for in case it does. It's only in the 'talking about it' stages at the minute!

Yeah might just have to write that list!! ha ha

I know. I try to make things as easy as possible as I know they've been through a heck of a lot! All I can do is be there for them

Uniscots97

I agree with Pencakes about the pros and cons list that would be good.

As for the girls, they are at the age where a little wisdom would go a long way but I'll explain about that in a minute. I didn't like the way OH would speak to SD or me around that time. It was only afterwards I realised that SD knew how to push his buttons so to speak i.e. if he lost his temper with her, guaranteed he'd feel sorry for it the day after and buy her something. It worked every time until I pointed it out.

But for your OH's girls maybe its time to teach them all money management but combine it with beauty etc. Teach them a beauty routine i.e. skin care etc and how you should compare prices rather than buying the first one you see. The younger 2 will listen and the older one will follow. You could also throw in that working in some of the shops you get discounts it might spur the eldest one onto get a saturday job.

As for your OH, I think little and often and remind him you're there for him not against him will help.

*Robin*

Hello HAW, :hello:

Am intrigued to learn what kind of bike your OH rides? ..Thinking if it's something special, that could be behind his apparently irrational desire to move (to somewhere that has a garage/workshop).
Would it also be a fair guess that OH is a bit older than you?

Anyway, re the bike trip. Are none of his mates' [STRIKE]missuses [sp! :rotfl:][/STRIKE] partners going along? ..That would be unusual. Your SDs are all old enough to stay with Granny or a mate for a couple of weeks, so why not consider joining him and sharing what is obviously a big part of his leisure fun?

Well it was just a thought..