How do I make my husband understand.

Lotus-eater

conradmum wrote: »

I don't know about spicing up the sex life, but if it's non-existent that could well be making the husband grumpy and irritable, which in turn makes the wife feel even less like having sex. It's a common downward spiral. For some people, one of the basics is sex.

As sex life can get staid and you can run through the same motions over time after time. We all seem to have less and less time to spend on each other, all parts of relationships need work.

If I thought I had to spice up my sex life in order to keep my OH's interest I would think I was in wrong relationship in the first place.

I just don't know what to say about that..... but you seem to be of the same mind as the OP. Spicing up the sex life is part of the relationship for most people. Or should be.

beautiful_ravens

Lotus-eater wrote: »

How on earth do you get semi coerced sex from what I wrote? I wasn't saying she should do anything she didn't want to, in fact I even wrote that.

I think what you said got mixed in with what OP said -
"I don't really want to talk about my sex life on here, but I can tell you its a sad day when you have to barter sex with [y]our husband just so that he will be nice to you."

I took OPs comment to be a hint at what happens 'at her house', and Lotus-eaters point was just his own comment.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

(As a very large generalisation):

Men need sex in order to feel loved. Women need to feel loved in order to have sex.

That's such a glib generalisation.

This couple seem to love each other very much, when do you think they last had sex?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/06/19/tony-nicklinsons-wife-says-no-happy-endings-locked-in_n_1608067.html

What the OP posted didn't look remotely like a simple 'spice it up with posh knickers' situation. I can't believe the way people trivialise so many relationship issues to 'well its your own fault for not being willing enough in bed'!

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

That's such a glib generalisation.

This couple seem to love each other very much, when do you think they last had sex?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/06/19/tony-nicklinsons-wife-says-no-happy-endings-locked-in_n_1608067.html

What the OP posted didn't look remotely like a simple 'spice it up with posh knickers' situation. I can't believe the way people trivialise so many relationship issues to 'well its your own fault for not being willing enough in bed'!

If you have read that into what I posted, then you have read it wrong, and in any case I was (wildly) generalising about the sex bit.

The other part of my post, about spending time together and having fun, was the one I was directing towards the OP.

beautiful_ravens

Lotus-eater wrote: »

As sex life can get staid and you can run through the same motions over time after time. We all seem to have less and less time to spend on each other, all parts of relationships need work.

If I thought I had to spice up my sex life in order to keep my OH's interest I would think I was in wrong relationship in the first place.

I just don't know what to say about that..... but you seem to be of the same mind as the OP. Spicing up the sex life is part of the relationship for most people. Or should be.

I agree sex is PART of a relationship, and I think it can bring couples together if theyve just grown apart say from having kids or a lot of time spent working, but it doesnt fix everything. I think spicing up the sex comes after the non-sex fixing, once BOTH partners feel good about their relationship together.

Many women have been in a relationship where they wanted to sort things out, and having done so, they felt they wanted to have sex because they felt good about their partner and relationship. That is fine and obvious.

On the other hand, if theres an emotional/relationship issue going on, especially unresolved and something preoccupying or worrying, the last thing theyd want to do is just put on sexy clothes and flirt about, how on earth does that fix the problem? It may make him 'feel 'better' [was he ill?] for a few hours, but when its over, the problem is still there.

To make a point, my partner and I only 'see' each other every 3 weeks. We are in a LDR for now. We are both happy in our relationship, he isnt killing himself over lack of sex, neither of us is miserable. Less sex is not making us feel bad...frustrated maybe lol but we are not moping or making other peoples lives hell because of not getting enough sex.

Single men can be happy, I know several. Ok they want sex, but they are not making others miserable because of it. Why is this different within a relationship - is it that old thing about once a womans married she must exist in a perpetual state of availability?

This 'give more sex' angle is pretty silly. How much more? What sort? How far beyond her comfort zone would OP have to go to fix things with sex, if she hasnt had to already? Is that even right? What if she doesnt want to have more sex right now, is the relationship therefore doomed, finished? Who said that she has to do this to keep him happy? The Victorians?

No, theres other things to sort out first.

Oliver14

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

(As a very large generalisation):

Men need sex in order to feel loved.

Wow that must come out of one of the most ridiculous things I've read on this forum in a long time.:rotfl:

conradmum

beautiful_ravens wrote: »

I agree sex is PART of a relationship, and I think it can bring couples together if theyve just grown apart say from having kids or a lot of time spent working, but it doesnt fix everything. I think spicing up the sex comes after the non-sex fixing, once BOTH partners feel good about their relationship together.

Many women have been in a relationship where they wanted to sort things out, and having done so, they felt they wanted to have sex because they felt good about their partner and relationship. That is fine and obvious.

On the other hand, if theres an emotional/relationship issue going on, especially unresolved and something preoccupying or worrying, the last thing theyd want to do is just put on sexy clothes and flirt about, how on earth does that fix the problem? It may make him 'feel 'better' [was he ill?] for a few hours, but when its over, the problem is still there.

To make a point, my partner and I only 'see' each other every 3 weeks. We are in a LDR for now. We are both happy in our relationship, he isnt killing himself over lack of sex, neither of us is miserable. Less sex is not making us feel bad...frustrated maybe lol but we are not moping or making other peoples lives hell because of not getting enough sex.

Single men can be happy, I know several. Ok they want sex, but they are not making others miserable because of it. Why is this different within a relationship - is it that old thing about once a womans married she must exist in a perpetual state of availability?

This 'give more sex' angle is pretty silly. How much more? What sort? How far beyond her comfort zone would OP have to go to fix things with sex, if she hasnt had to already? Is that even right? What if she doesnt want to have more sex right now, is the relationship therefore doomed, finished? Who said that she has to do this to keep him happy? The Victorians?

No, theres other things to sort out first.

You misconstrue the point (or at least the one I'm trying to make). If you're in a relationship where it's all about meeting the other person's needs you're going to be resentful and unhappy and unlikely to be willing to fulfil those needs. Sex is a need too.

If one partner expects the other partner to be affectionate, listen to them etc. because that's what they need in a relationship, then they should be open to meeting their partner's needs in return. Otherwise it's all one-sided and selfish.

conradmum

Person_one wrote: »

That's such a glib generalisation.

This couple seem to love each other very much, when do you think they last had sex?

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/06/19/tony-nicklinsons-wife-says-no-happy-endings-locked-in_n_1608067.html

What the OP posted didn't look remotely like a simple 'spice it up with posh knickers' situation. I can't believe the way people trivialise so many relationship issues to 'well its your own fault for not being willing enough in bed'!

That example you give is hardly representative of most couple's relationships. Neither of them could possibly resent the other for refusing to have sex or using it as a bargaining tool as it isn't a possibility for them.

Unfortunately people do use sex in this way, and expect their partner to be attentive and affectionate while at the same time avoiding sex with them.

Tish_P

The OP's specificaly declined to tell us about her sex life, hasn't she? It could be that - brace yourselves, sexists, this actually happens - she wants sex more than he does and part of the attention she's missing so painfully is sexual. Or it could be that being ignored all day isn't going to warm up anyone's knickers.

I think she should go to counselling, with or without him, and if it's not going to get better she should leave. I hope everything comes right for you somehow, OP.

scooby088

I maybe wrong here but without intimacy there is probably a lessening in interest in the relationship as an whole.