How do I make my husband understand.

Torndao01

Looking for ideas, as I'm at the end of my tether.

I have been married for 16 years had two children aged 9 and 11.

I am having problems communicating with my DH. Firstly, I would like to say he is not a bad man and I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how I can continue to live the way we do.

He spends all his time either on the computer or 'fixing' the car, which involves going to the car shop everyday other day.

He hardly ever talks to me, he never spends anytime with me and basically treats me like I'm someone who lives in the same house. So much so that my DD asked if Daddy loved me:( He didn't ever respond when I told him.

When I speak to him, he looks at me as if to say 'what do you bloody want now' (doesn't actually say it). He always wants to do his own thing, even though he does do things with us as a family, he never puts in the effort, drags his feet and by little actions he makes you feel like he would rather cut off his arm. Like not getting out of bed so we can go out until I'm about to get in the car. Then stalling going to look something up on the computer, then stopping at a car shop on the way. Showing no interest in what we are doing. Taking the computer with us.

For the past year or so he talks to me like a teenager, e.g snappy, and huffy, and add to this my DS (11) is acting just the same.

I have tried talking/shouting/writing a letter, crying and expaining. I don't know what else to do.

I don't want to live like this but don't want to leave, well I do to teach him a lesson but not forever. Even thats not possible as we live overseas so have no family I could go and stay with.

I, like many on here I'm not even sure why I've written on here, I'm just so desparate I needed to talk to someone.

My husband has made me realise why some people have affairs and say they gave me the attention I needed:(

P.S He's not depressed, works regular hours and its not a pressure job. We are finanical stable and healthy. All of this makes it harder as this should be the time of our lives.

balletshoes

it is sad to read these situations. Can I ask, when you told him how you felt, wrote it in the letter, did you get any reaction or response from your husband at all, on any occasion? Does he know how seriously you feel about these issues?

Person_one

This started a year ago? Did anything happen at that time or was it gradual?

Would he go to counselling? If not, go on your own.

Candy53

Hi,

Sounds as if you're in quite a lonely situation here.

Although you say he's not depressed, from describing what he's like, he does sound as though he could be going through some kind of depression. His seemingly lack of interest, and his sluggishness at getting out of bed, etc.

The trouble is if he won't talk to you/tell you what's going on with him, nothing is going to be solved, and you are just going to carry on suffering. You say you're ok financially, so it couldn't be he's hiding and worrying about any debts? Could he be having problems at work that he's not telling you about?

It sounds as though he's troubled in some way, and he's pushing you away, as alot of men do when there's something wrong, as they find it difficult to talk about their feelings.

You could try being firmer with him and tell him that you feel as if he's pushing you away, and the way he's behaving isn't doing your marriage any good, and you are getting fed up of it now, and you deserve enough respect for him to sit down and talk things over, and tell you why he's being like this.

Candy

beautiful_ravens

Seems like you have no problem communicating, but that maybe he does. I find that when only one person in a relationship is trying to fix things, it doesnt work. Im not sure how to interpret his behaviour though...
Has he always been a bit this way, or is it sudden?
Could he be feeling [for whatever reason] that he's had enough of the relationship but is not leaving ie doing 'the right thing' by staying?
Do you and he get any chances to go out/do things as a couple?
Does he have friends?

amyloofoo

I agree with the poster who suggested relationship counselling. Maybe a few sessions with someone from Relate could help? This difficulty in communicating is threatening your relationship and if you can make him understand the seriousness of this then I'm sure he will agree to go with you.

I know you say he's not depressed, but could he be hiding anything else? I don't want to worry you but this secrecy and absence from the house could be indicative of secret gambling, an affair or debts. It's probably nothing like this, but this would explain some of his behaviour.

Lotus-eater

It sounds like he is bored with the relationship.

Try spicing it up a bit, or ask him what he wants.

It doesn't mean he doesn't want you, it just means he needs something else.

Sex for men is the main thing and it will always come back to that, without wanting to get all Freud on you, for him to feel wanted, he wants good sex = he wants to feel wanted.
Pull out the stops, if you don't ever wear stockings for him, wear them. If you don't do what he wants (and you want to do it), do it and offer it to him.

Torndao01

balletshoes wrote: »

it is sad to read these situations. Can I ask, when you told him how you felt, wrote it in the letter, did you get any reaction or response from your husband at all, on any occasion? Does he know how seriously you feel about these issues?

Hi Thanks for taking the time to reply, when I bring up the issues, he says all the right things.

Yes he understands, he knows it has to change, he does love me, he will make the effort.

I would like to say he then makes the effort for a couple of days, but no he makes the effort for about an hour then its back to normal.

I feel that I just have to accept it or leave which I don't want to do.

I have posted before about leaving as it is making me very unhappy, but in the last one I explained how much it would effect my son and I feel I am having to choose between my happiness and his. But, again in my heart of hearts I don't what to leave, I what things to be good.

Torndao01

A few answers to some questions ( don't know how to multi quote)

When I think about it this has been going on for longer that a year, but you don't notice to much when you are busy with younger kids. Now the kids are more independant it's more noticable.

I have tried to talk about us having a break, but as far as he is concerned its not up for discussion at all.

I would like counciling but its too expensive where we live in the USA.

He can't say our lives are dull we live in Las Vegas and have a good social life, but its other people that make our social life, if it wasn't for them we would do nothing together. I have tried, but hes not interested.

I am really convinced he doesn't love me, but he insists that he does and doesn't want to split up. Sometimes it would be easier if he did.

I don't really want to talk about my sex life on here, but I can tell you its a sad day when you have to barter sex with our husband just so that he will be nice to you.

desert_rose

Sometimes, its better to be assertive in these situations - not ask, or beg, or bargain - but demand!

What I'm getting at is that if you demand to be treated in a particular way say respectfully for example, and the other half fails to respond, then you treat them disdainfully, until they learn that there are the right ways and the wrong ways to behave,

If he stays in bed, always wants to do the car are you perhaps enabling this behaviour in any way?

My other half tries these things on from time to time and when he does, I've been known to sweep cheerfully out of the house, get into the car and leave him to his little dramas. I then have a lovely day out, spend some money on myself and sweep back in to a hubby who can't do enough for me.

Don't depend on him for your well-being. You must depend on yourself.

[Deleted User]

I know this post is going to sound awful and as if I am patronising my partner.., but I have had a long hard fight for the very happy relationship I now have today.

My OH would go into major depressions (inflicting it on the rest of the family including the children) because of some terrible experiences he had as a child. Because of these experiences he didn't know how to trust, talk things over, and still has problems relating to our children (although this has massively improved). He has my sympathies for the problems he experienced as a child.., but he has never sought help regardless of promises to do so, and it does become rather frustrating trying to stop his reactions affecting the children (and obviously I was very concerned about the effects on the children).

Over time, he has learned to trust me, and I have learned to be very straight with him. Sympathetic.., but straight, making it clear that things had to improve. We did split up for a while. But we got back together again, and this last year, things have improved dramatically. Things don't get to a fever pitch any more.., we really do talk things over. He's not so defensive, and knows that while I won't accept old patterns of behaviour, I do love him and will support him. But I won't 'enable' behaviour that is difficult, particularly behaviour that affects the children.

We got to this stage by me keeping calm and calling him out if he was being too severe with the children for example. I have some understanding of the psychology of this, why its happening but I always have let him know its do-able.., its not impossible. I tell him that I know what a fabulous man he is and I want the kids to see that too. And I didn't give up. I didn't make myself to be a never ending record either lol. And at first, when we wanted a fun day out (a particular trouble spot), on occasions I'd take the children out and we'd just go mad lol. One of my children is a teen, and sometimes I'd have to explain that his stepfather couldn't help behaving like this, but he was trying to change it. We are all happier now.., although obviously its not perfect. In fact, he has just started taking the kids to Karate.., which is something I have been wanting him to do for years (find something the he uniquely can do with the children and they can all enjoy.., something that brings pleasure to the family that only he can do).

It also takes some self awareness and questioning. I think in my situation I realised it takes two.., I had issues too and I had to sort them out to enable me to sort the family out. Part of it is u have to decide what u will accept and what u won't. And what u'll do about what u won't accept. But give your husband some hope and support (completely different to enabling).., let him know things can be better and its in his best interests to engage more.., he'll have fun too. I know its an awful approach to take but sometimes I'd make it clear that he could only come on days out if he promised not to get too stern with the children.., it was supposed to be a fun day out and the kids are both well behaved so undue strictness wasn't appropriate. But I'd also comment on what fun we'd had when things went well. The more comfortable he got with that, the more often it happened. Gradually, over time, he reacts differently to the children, love has become a part of our life. Disengaging from family life was made unworthwhile for him.., I made it clear that being part of family life didn't take too much effort and was worth it.., for him and the family. To a degree (and I cringe as I say it) there was a degree of self destructiveness about what he used to do.., and possibly a degree of 'prove you love me by making me feel better'. This just enabled his behaviour so although it was upsetting to do, I stopped being so supporting of negative behaviour and made it clear it wasn't acceptable.

I know your situation is not the same but I do hope I've given u food for thought. Try writing down what u'd like to change.., if he's behaving in a way that's not helpful can u get around it.., go out on your own with the children? But make it clear why and that he has a choice.