How do I make my husband understand.

prowla

It seems to me like there may be one person in the relationship who is a bit self-absorbed - is hubby allowed to speak in conversations, or is he supposed to just listen and say yes/no at the right points?

C_Mababejive

prowla wrote: »

It seems to me like there may be one person in the relationship who is a bit self-absorbed - is hubby allowed to speak in conversations, or is he supposed to just listen and say yes/no at the right points?

Isnt that normal...?

j.e.j.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It's not about bartering, it's about making you closer to each other. To get that loving feeling back.

That's a circular argument, I think. If they don't feel that close emotionally a couple are less inclined to get intimate, which leads to them feeling less close and so on.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It's not about bartering, it's about making you closer to each other. To get that loving feeling back.

Its completely ridiculous to think fishnet stockings ad sexy nighties are the answer to every relationship problem going.

How is semi co-erced sex even remotely 'loving'?

mintymoneysaver

You have my sympathy. I have recently separated from my husband after years of a relationship just like yours. I'm not saying that it is the right thing to do for you, it wasn't for me, for a very very long time and if somewhere along the way we could have clawed it back then I would have done because I loved him. But I got to the point where there just wasnt any point. I hope you don't get to that, I hope you can work it out. Love that's one sided can be very hard work...xx PM me if you want to.

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

Its completely ridiculous to think fishnet stockings ad sexy nighties are the answer to every relationship problem going.

How is semi co-erced sex even remotely 'loving'?

How on earth do you get semi coerced sex from what I wrote? I wasn't saying she should do anything she didn't want to, in fact I even wrote that.

I was giving a blokes POV, if you don't like it, hard flipping cheese.

conradmum

I'm with Lotus-Eater. Many men (maybe people?) simply need to be having regular sex in order to feel loved. Sex without having to ask for it, sex without feeling like their partner is doing them a favour, just happy, loving sex because their partner loves them.

It could be the answer here and the OP would be wise not to dismiss it or talk about it as 'bartering'. People shouldn't be having sex with their partners as some kind of trade-off. If you don't have a healthy sexual relationship it can lead to many other apparently unconnected problems.

As a side note, I once read a story of how a woman was so unhappy in her marriage she decided to end it. But as 'revenge' she thought she'd spend the final six months being extra kind and loving to her husband so that he'd realise just what he'd lost. The funny thing was, after six months their relationship had improved so much that they went on to have a very happy marriage.

Sometimes negativity escalates within a relationship, with each person bearing more and more grudges and feeling all their expectations are unmet, so that they behave worse and worse to their partner until finally everything breaks down and they part. They might both be very nice and well-meaning people but get into a cycle of increasing disappointment in each other, perhaps starting from something quite small.

I think for many people the key to a happy marriage is to forgive and forget a little more, and be a little more kind and attentive with your partner than you would with anyone else, rather than having higher expectations and needs than you would normally (as is understandably often the case).

seven-day-weekend

(As a very large generalisation):

Men need sex in order to feel loved. Women need to feel loved in order to have sex.

So, when a relationship is in a bad place, they don't have sex because she doesn't feel loved, and then because they are not having sex, HE doesn't feel loved.

I agree that people can get bound up with child rearing and forget their partner. I don't know whether that has happened here. But they do need to be able to do things together without the children, things they used to enjoy or new things, and then maybe they will begin to remember why they fell in love in the first palce.

I know that children take up a lot of time, but the couple existed before the children and the couple will still be there once the children are long gone. Don't neglect the couple.

POPPYOSCAR

Torndao01 wrote: »

A few answers to some questions ( don't know how to multi quote)

When I think about it this has been going on for longer that a year, but you don't notice to much when you are busy with younger kids. Now the kids are more independant it's more noticable.

I have tried to talk about us having a break, but as far as he is concerned its not up for discussion at all.

I would like counciling but its too expensive where we live in the USA.

He can't say our lives are dull we live in Las Vegas and have a good social life, but its other people that make our social life, if it wasn't for them we would do nothing together. I have tried, but hes not interested.

I am really convinced he doesn't love me, but he insists that he does and doesn't want to split up. Sometimes it would be easier if he did.

I don't really want to talk about my sex life on here, but I can tell you its a sad day when you have to barter sex with our husband just so that he will be nice to you.

I agree with you here.

Good sex does not guarantee a happy relationship, the basics have to be there first and then it will follow.

If I thought I had to spice up my sex life in order to keep my OH's interest I would think I was in wrong relationship in the first place.

conradmum

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

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I agree with you here.

Good sex does not guarantee a happy relationship, the basics have to be there first and then it will follow.

If I thought I had to spice up my sex life in order to keep my OH's interest I would think I was in wrong relationship in the first place.

I don't know about spicing up the sex life, but if it's non-existent that could well be making the husband grumpy and irritable, which in turn makes the wife feel even less like having sex. It's a common downward spiral. For some people, one of the basics is sex.