Hoarding...not just on TV

The_Dragon

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Ugh.


Side effects are vile. But I now have, thanks to the walk in centre, some anti emetics.

The Fella came to visit and the first thing he did was complain that his feet hurt from walking a quarter of a mile, then mutter that I hadn't done much in the house overnight when he realised I hadn't touched the dishwasher or tumble drier.


:cool:

Did anyone work out how simple a prospect it is to declutter bodies under patios?

if you don't need to use the bath for a while and have biological washing powder ..................:eek:

Byatt

I could happily declutter my ex if it wasn't for my DD :eek::cool:. Can anyone help me stop cluttering up my mind and emotions with thoughts of him. Basically, he has told my DD that he sold my wedding and engagement rings to get funds to set up home again (his choice to run off with 17 year old!). He had/has a job, earns £30000 + and is in social housing. He left with quite a few things from home although no furniture. Plenty of everything else though. He also go the car. I was not working, my DD is learning disabled and our only income was her benefits. It was touch and go many a time but I kept a roof over our heads, he paid nothing towards the mortgage, but still got half the equity, I was told if I defaulted on the mortgage I would have to pay HIM for the missed amounts.

Anyway, I am still livid that he lies to our DD (she is adult now, but easily persuaded)...I am stewing over this revelation about the rings. Total carp and full of lies (I know he gave one ring to his sister, I've seen it on holiday pics).

I feel impotent. I want to rip his head off. He has no idea how I feel or what my life is now like, which is a huge consolation but doesn't take away from the fact that I am struggling financially whilst he lives the life of riley and pretends to DD he is broke. Plus what a b!tch I am because poor him had nothing. Why do I give a damn?

And on a different note, next door's BF is cutting up pallets for the fire. It is a Sunday and although I'm not religious it irritates the carp out of me, mainly because he takes for EVER! One pallet has taken at least two hours, as he cuts each bit of wood to the exact same length, then stands and brushes the wood dust off his clothes (which are his best), near my washing.I want to go out there, grab the wood cutter thing (it's electric) and cut up the remaining 6 or so pallets in less than half an hour. I can't stand it. My BP is rising.

whitewing

byatt,

You need some simple, practical tasks to ease the irritation. DD amd I have just been making currant buns. The whir of the mixer blocks out all irritating thoughts, and clearing as you go along is surprisingly soothing. The only flaw in the process will be when I forget to take them out of the oven.

We will be having a late afternoon roast today as DH is working. DD is helping prepare it. Dehoarded some bread crusts into the stuffing. Made a bread and butter pudding the other day and cut the crusts off like the recipe said, but don't think I will bother to cut them off another time

Got some stuff ready for recycling tomorrow. Don't know where it all comes from.

Have also repotted some house plants. I use plant food so ours are thriving but it now means I am having to repot relatives' plants as mine grown from their cuttings are better than the originals, lol.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Byatt wrote: »

I could happily declutter my ex if it wasn't for my DD :eek::cool:. Can anyone help me stop cluttering up my mind and emotions with thoughts of him.

He's living with a near child. Whatever else happens, whatever else he ever says, he is in an intimate relationship with a teenaged girl, not even biologically old enough to give birth safely because she hasn't finished growing yet.

That girl will reach adulthood one day soon, realise just what a waste of space he is (and how creepy a middle aged man with someone not old enough to take her A levels is to normal people) and he'll be out on his ear to be replaced by someone younger, better looking and not interested in the Barely Legal market.


You managed without him. You supported your child, whereas he was so helpless and needy, he needed to sponge off you to buy his girl [STRIKE]toys[/STRIKE] presents.


People look at him and once they realise that's his girlfriend and not his daughter, they think Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.


Nobody looks at you and wonders if their child is safe around you. Nobody sees you as being like the various DJs and personalities being discussed in the press now.

They do him.





So who cares how much he lies? The vast majority of people who know him are going to feel slightly nauseous every time they hear his name. They don't need to know anything else - they already know he's slime.

blossomhill_2

Byatt wrote: »

I could happily declutter my ex if it wasn't for my DD :eek::cool:

You need to hear some other voices, any voices, otherwise it all becomes like a screensaver that switches on to fill the vacuum

If you can't be with people who will chat and give you other things to think about, (even of you are overhearing their chat and not really interacting) esp when you get to bed, then perhaps talking books or talk radio would work for you if you aren't already using them (they don't for me, I can't get into them)

Would you be able to use headphones to both block out neighbour and add in some positive noise, or is DD around needing your attention?

Byatt

Thanks Jo-Jo, that helps. I hate it when I get all these ruminations, but somehow knew people here would help. This sentence (You managed without him. You supported your child, whereas he was so helpless and needy, he needed to sponge off you to buy his girl toys presents).
also resonates, I knew it at some level, but seeing it written down, well it makes me realise how true it is.

WW, I cleaned the microwave. Good job done and I feel better.

edit, BH, funnily enough I've put the radio on, (he's gone in now though!), I can't used ear thingies as they hurt my ears. DD not around as such, and I guess where I hear about ex is from DD, otherwise I would not know anything now, even though I do stop her telling me everything. I spent yesterday with DD hence the thoughts again I suspect. He's part of her life and so slips into her conversations too easily.

blossomhill_2

Byatt wrote: »

DD not around as such, and I guess where I hear about ex is from DD, otherwise I would not know anything now, even though I do stop her telling me everything. I spent yesterday with DD hence the thoughts again I suspect. He's part of her life and so slips into her conversations too easily.

I can relate to that, as my DD loved her "other" grandparents and I wanted her to be relaxed about mentioning them, but they still had the power to niggle me by remote control. DD has come to realise in her own time just how manipulative they and OH were, without me having to let my feelings be known. That's past tense, as they still would be, except they've completely lost their power now she has made her own mind up, and we just feel sorry for them all

Byatt

BH, love that phrase, "niggle by remote control", so true, I know a lot of what he says is said because he knows it's likely she will pass it onto me, and he wants me to respond. He's tried all sorts of ways but I haven't responded yet! And don't intend to. Just very hard to be that way sometimes though. My DD at one level is aware of his manipulations and still hasn't got over the hurt and pain, but at the same time she wants a dad, and sadly, he's all she's got and she's afraid of losing him again. She can't see she's never had him, it's all about him and what affects him. But then it took me almost 30 years, so I can't condemn her.

lostinrates

Byatt, I declutterer a relative almost completely. It's a very hard thing to do. Even if they are narcissistic or damaged or damaging, because they will be refered to again, and again, and they are the kind of clutter that rebuilds.....perhaps less regularly than say....fortnightly recycling, but like the number of times you have to take big items to the tip.

I often feel I have done perhaps the wrong thing ...not for me necessarily, but for other people, but the idea of doing anything else is full of despair. I help from a distance when required, ut am very careful not to get drawn into communication. It ends badly every time.

Similarly, while I have not dericharded myu in laws I see them as dh's clutter and not mine. I will not be cat flapped with them. Last year there was a chance we would have one live with us till they were on their feet, and dh and I agreed terms, for both them and for us, primarily me. E.g. We felt an agreed number of hours of the sort of hard work dh does and I cannot would be fair board, and a dontribution to the standard sort of housework (which in fairness my recollection was that I would be out tidied with ease, which is fine, because as we know, tidying is hard, cleaning is Easy with a clean sweep, (no pun intended)).

For various reasons, while I remind dh to speak to his siblings and parent regularly, they are important to him and relationships like that are important if they are not negative, I myself avoid contact. In truth I can often truthfully be too I'll to attend, and when I am not then dh points out I am I'll so often he encourages me to see friends etc when I am well, and that the important person for them to see is him, right? . I buy baby gifts with pleasure, and find my opinion of them is greatly enhanced with such distance. I hope they feel the same!

I know my fil is peeved by the distance, and that other siblings in laws partners have benefited from a better attitude now that he/they have seen that not everyone just goes along with passive aggressive behaviour or overstepped boundaries. I am thrilled my sibling in. Laws partners have a better relationship with the family, (I am aware previous ones did not, and really do think I was a watershed moment forthose that came into the family after me). But I have never ONCE, shouted, issued ultimatums or so forth. I just do not partake. Fil often whimges about it to do, who is far less.....hmmm, less offended my passive aggression than I am, and sidesteps the issue. I personally would just say 'drop it, ain't gonna happen, but ain't going to become between you and me dad, unless you make it.'. One of the few joys of infertility is not feeling the oblinpgation to a child to get to have strong bonds with extended family, or with a family to have strong bonds with my child!

Byatt

Awwee, BH don't delete. :A

I never had it perfect, I can't decide which is worse for me. It's not to say I wasn't crushed and defeated when it all fell apart, so can relate to the Tom Hanks quote.

LIR, that's it exactly. I did try and declutter my inlaws and to some extent it worked. Ex would visit without me, so everyone was happy. I'm not sure what would make a difference to me now, so that the ex cluttering stopped completely. Well, except his demise. I have plans to dance on his grave :eek:, but I'm guessing it will be me that goes first. If my DD did not have special needs I think she would see through him, but who knows. The darts he fires hit their mark every so often and when I'm finding life particularly difficult, because of poor health or lack of work, then they hurt even more than they should.

Anyway, I cleaned the microwave using a new tip I got off Pinterest. The jug I used cracked, water and vinegar every where inside, the turntable now keeps turning, water and vinegar has dripped down the back into the fridge...somedays, I shouldn't even get up!:cool: