Hoarding...not just on TV

whitewing

Presumably one of your parents told you about being executor?

Can you nab one parent on their own and discuss the situation with them?

Or could you all go and stay regularly (or even better just the children) so they begin to see the space as living space rather than storage space.

valk_scot

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

I'm sorely tempted to look into how one refuses to be an executor as it will cause sibling strife if it's only me, whilst being annoyed a bit that it will end up being me that has to wade through knee-deep in Readers' Digest mags et al to find wills, paperwork etc. "If you want something done, ask a busy woman" they say. Well, this busy woman has quite enough to be going on with. How do I broach it with el parentes?

Ellie x (DFS)

You could tell them you're fine with being the executor when it comes to paperwork but that you wouldn't have the time to clear the house, you'd have to get a house clearance company to come in and do that lot. You could, you know, it's perfectly allowable to add that to the expenses of sorting out the estate. So tell them because of this it would be best to sort the house out now, pass on any valuables (jewelry, pictures etc) to whoever they intend to have them, leave a brief list with the will as to any big things like valuable furniture and then you can safely let the clearance company in. That wiil freak them out totally I expect and so then you can tell them that you suppose you could cope with the house if it was in order and all the clutter gone. They've probably just got a bit into the habit of not bothering to chuck stuff out, no everyone hoards for the sake of it you know, some people have hoardes because they're not motivated and don't really mind the junk.

Downsizing__for_sanity

Hi Whitewing, yes, my mum told me recently. Perhaps I could say ok then, where are all the docs, and ensure that she tells me where they are put. I'm assuming that as they are organised enough to have written down a will and their wishes, it might even be with a solicitor instead of in the house (one can hope..)

My girls stay there regularly, and now that they have outgrown cots, they do need somewhere more safe and spacious to sleep. The thought of one of then getting up for a drink in the night and poking their eyes out on a rusty bike or bamboo pole frankly gives me nightmares. Perhaps we will drop some hints when we go down next. It's difficult not to feel like a nag though, and it is their house not mine so I suppose they are entitled to be the way they want to be...

valk_scot

I am back in the "I want to go to the Charity Shops" dilemma. I've just found out that a friend of mine has a stall at one of the craft markets today, in a very posh part of town. I usually go and see her when she does this, have a chat, look round the other stalls (can't afford to buy in craft fairs but I like to look) and then go for a wander round the ten or so really excellent CSs there ending up with a side trip into Waitrose.

Now I don't mind the Waitrose bit, I need milk and spuds and they sell rennet which I can't get other places easily. I'm very good at resisting expensive food buys at Waitrose tbh! And I'd like to see my pal, it's a nice wee trip tbh especially as I'm free today because the kids are at camp. But I said already I was going to try to avoid charity shops, yes? Do you think I can manage this? They are really excellent charity shops, full of the kind of aspirational vintage tat I love best. (Drool...)

valk_scot

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

Hi Whitewing, yes, my mum told me recently. Perhaps I could say ok then, where are all the docs, and ensure that she tells me where they are put. I'm assuming that as they are organised enough to have written down a will and their wishes, it might even be with a solicitor instead of in the house (one can hope..)

You could always ask to see them up front? And ensure yourself that they were all in order and, if everyone was good with this, take them into safe keeping yourself. It's not unusual, my sister had all my mother's documentation for many years before mum died.

Also it might be a good idea to broach being given Power of Attorney for both of them seeing as you're having such a nitty-gritty discussion. This doesn't mean you can take over their financial affairs now of course, just that if you end up say in a situation that both of them were too infirm to make their own decisions (it's not impossible, one could develop Altzeimers and the other have a stroke say) you could step in and manage finances such as maintaining the house and paying bills etc.

Downsizing__for_sanity

Val, you've hit the nail on the head I think. My two younger siblings (well, one of them mainly) will strop and pout if they don't get the things they want and it will be a headache to keep the peace. If I am left a list of things to divide up it would be much easier! Simple solution really! Also, there are no doubt people my mum has known through work etc and church who I just wouldn't have thought to gift something to myself.

After reading this thread, I've realised that there may well be an emotional component to them as well - for instance, when my grandad died, my mum and my aunts had to clear his house. They found every stitch of my gran's clothes, (who'd died ten years before, but he was too attached to throw or give anything away. It was very sad to have to go through and remember all those memories of her, after he had also just died. Happy memories though I suppose. And my mum still has every hat she's ever bought - like from my Christening! - just in case they ever become fashionable again! But that means she has nowhere to store her nice newer once, so they get squashed (and she has to buy another... ad infinitum!)

Phew, had never thought about things from her point before, I suppose I must try to be a little more understanding. (But the rusty bikes must go!)

Enjoying the thread - my homework is to broach this subject tomorrow...

Ellie x

Downsizing__for_sanity

Cross posted with you Valk!

Thanks, more good advice re Power of Atttorney. I vividly remember when I went into hospital unexpectedly once and my husband had to keep coming in to ask for all the online banking info - I had power of attorney over him as he is often out of the country but he had no way of paying bills etc except in cash! we had never anticipated that something might happen to me!

Ellie x

whitewing

My relative had a 'lot' sold at auction and the fees came to more than the amount raised. But they said they would waive the debit value (a couple of quid). Not sure how that happens? Presumably it is a way of them just monitoring their own costs so that they can choose to decline a customer if they continually bring stuff in that is low value?

DS is back from his dad's. We'd shoved a load of stuff in his room, but didn't get round to sorting it (out of sight, out of mind) so that is sitting on the table now. I shall have to start tackling that this weekend. It's about 5 boxes, but some hard decisions.

Ellie, can you draw up a document with your mum that covers every type of thing in the house, not just the 'valuable' stuff. So I mean, if for example there are a lot of plastic ice cream containers have that as a bullet point, if there are bank statements have 'bank statements prior to xxxx year' - shredded, bank statements within 6 years - keep by executor and so on. And I really do mean list everything - rusty bikes and other random large metal pieces - take to scrapyard and donate profit to RSPCA (or whatever).

Because if you do this, they don't have to get rid now, but you will have clear guidelines, you can also start looking into it if stuff crops up that you haven't thought about, even if you aren't executor some of this may fall to you. They may also be more inclined to throw out some now if they can see it gets dumped anyway. But it will also reassure them.

Check if they have any letters written to each other from years ago. Everyone of that generation I know has, and wants them burnt without being read by anyone else. So they may burn them themselves, but it would be good for them to know if they haven't been burnt yet that you will honour that.

Jettycat

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

However, what has spurred me on to post recently is the revelation that I am to be their executor if and when anything happens to my parents. Partly, I'm flattered because I am the eldest, grown-up one with a great husband and 2 children of my own, and my siblings, as much as I love them, do not live yet in the real world of budgeting and looking after anything more than a pot plant. However, I'm a bit annoyed/overwhelmed with the possible responsibility - I have 2 small children, a husband in the military so often out of the country, and am trying to finish my medical degree. As well as having a long term (manageable) medical condition (SLE).

I'm sorely tempted to look into how one refuses to be an executor as it will cause sibling strife if it's only me, whilst being annoyed a bit that it will end up being me that has to wade through knee-deep in Readers' Digest mags et al to find wills, paperwork etc. "If you want something done, ask a busy woman" they say. Well, this busy woman has quite enough to be going on with. How do I broach it with el parentes?

I had a similar situation with my Mum (who is a TV worthy hoarder) in that she wanted to name just me (as the eldest of 4 children) as her executor. One of my siblings would definitely be "put out" by this, so I suggested she name all 4 of us for my sanity as much as anything else, however, I have her will, living will and power of attorney at my house for safe keeping - she'd probably tuck them inside a book somewhere if I left them with her :eek:

You can refuse to be an executor when they die, as long as you make the decision before any work has started. If anyone else is named as executor they can then act alone, if no-one else is named then (I think) another relative can apply to the court to act, or possibly a professional can be appointed. You can also appoint a professional to do the work for you as executor, but they won't generally do the sorting through the house to find papers! If you get your parents to give you (or a solicitor) the wills for safekeeping then you could go down this route so that there is a professional between you and the beneficiaries in terms of distributing assets. Hope this makes sense and helps (my OH works for a firm of solicitors so I sort of know how it works, and I've done probate for two grandparents and my dad and am currently helping OH with MILs )

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

Hi Whitewing, yes, my mum told me recently. Perhaps I could say ok then, where are all the docs, and ensure that she tells me where they are put. I'm assuming that as they are organised enough to have written down a will and their wishes, it might even be with a solicitor instead of in the house (one can hope..)

If she has told you recently, then I'd guess that something has prompted them to think about it (perhaps the death of a friend, or a friend talking about sorting out their own affairs). It should therefore be ok for you to discuss some of the details without upsetting them as they brought the subject up. My mum and I often have conversations about her stuff after events happen to either of us, eg, the death of her parents, and the recent death of MIL has started conversations again! I can only hope that it's actually having some effect on the house

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

Val, you've hit the nail on the head I think. My two younger siblings (well, one of them mainly) will strop and pout if they don't get the things they want and it will be a headache to keep the peace. If I am left a list of things to divide up it would be much easier! Simple solution really! Also, there are no doubt people my mum has known through work etc and church who I just wouldn't have thought to gift something to myself.

They may even have put some of this in their wills, and if not a "letter of wishes" addressed to you as executor would be nearly as binding as it being in the will and then you wouldn't be responsible for who things went to, and they could change it as their belongings changed without having to change the wills.

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

After reading this thread, I've realised that there may well be an emotional component to them as well - for instance, when my grandad died, my mum and my aunts had to clear his house. They found every stitch of my gran's clothes, (who'd died ten years before, but he was too attached to throw or give anything away. It was very sad to have to go through and remember all those memories of her, after he had also just died. Happy memories though I suppose. And my mum still has every hat she's ever bought - like from my Christening! - just in case they ever become fashionable again! But that means she has nowhere to store her nice newer once, so they get squashed (and she has to buy another... ad infinitum!)

Definitely, I'm clearing MILs things at the moment and I have found cards and letters going back ages (which I have recycled) and her late husband's medications - he died in 1993. I also found DH's school reports, a picture he made of her (at nursery I think) and a piece of writing he did about her, which I have brought home to show our little ones!

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

Enjoying the thread - my homework is to broach this subject tomorrow...

Good luck! Despite many similar extremely sane conversations with my mum she doesn't seem to be doing much about it, although when she comes to stay she does sneak a few things into our house - I found two egg cups in the kitchen after she left last week. DH and I don't like boiled eggs, and we have two for the little ones, so don't want any more, but I can't throw them out now!!

Sorry if I've waffled on and hope some of it helps.

x

Byatt

Gosh! everyone is so chatty today, it's lovely!

DFS, I think it's great you are having these conversations with your parents and also anticipating future problems. The advice here is great, so I will only mention the emotional aspect from my point of view when recently sorting through some of my sister's stuff which included a lot of old paperwork from my late mother...(1950's !)...my mother appointed my sister as executor, she is learning disabled and couldn't have coped with that role, plus all her estate was given to her. Please understand it wasn't much, and I would not have taken anything from my sister, but the feeling of finding I was not mentioned or offered a small thing from my childhood was awful. Our family has issues though so really it should not have been a surprise, but has left me very low. It was a recent find for me. Having said all that it was a home made will and only had one witness and in the scheme of things wasn't valid.

Anyway, I think you are right to consider the fall out from being the only named executor, (which I hope you won't have to consider for many years)...and a very thoughtful sister to do so. As is Jettycat.