Hoarding...not just on TV

blossomhill_2

VJsmum wrote: »

My worst one was when we were out for dinner with people that OH vaguely knew and i didn't know at all. (edited for space)

Ever thought of becoming a paralympic commentator? :rotfl:

To save space on the thread I have gone back on some old posts and removed my signature - decluttering all around me!

wannabe_sybil

Blossomhill - little bear is definitely not getting 'hanging on' vibes from me. Honestly, the first time he saw them in his life (quite literally, they had been in a cupboard upstairs since before he was born) was yesterday when he saw them packed to go. I have no hesitation at all about getting rid, I will be glad to see the back of them.

I think I will try and have a long talk with him about it tomorrow - he will be tired when he comes in from out of school club. He was really distressed by the thought of them going - nearly in tears. Normally for things he objects to I use a combination of bribery (a lot), explanations or just plain - this is how it is! However I don't want to trigger hoarding because things were arbitrarily removed from his home (in his view), and I want to try and work out where he is coming from to find out what sort of reasoning he needs.

If there is a genetic component to hoarding then there is a lot on both sides of the family, not just mine. It may be that there is a genetic component to anxiety issues, many manifest as OCD or hoarding, and honestly you would not believe stuff about both mine and OH's family. If little bear does have some sort of predisposition I want to be able to start early in giving him the tools to deal with it and have more comfort in himself.

(if this doesn't make sense then I apologise, I am running a temperature again)

In a fortnight's time we are clearing little bear's room while he is at his auntie's house. When we finish there will be about half the contents, we are getting rid of furniture as well as books, soft toys, clothes etc. I need to work out now if that will cause real problems for him, and how to approach stuff. There are limits to how much we can involve him and still get stuff done. One problem is that he will not get rid of anything.

No dericharding, but lots of plans. hugs to all

alice-mary

Hi All,
I mentioned to my fellow darts players last night that I am de-cluttering and that although I am proud of my achievements so far:), I still have loads to do. I told them that I have made the decision to get rid of hundreds of books, lots of hard-back James Patterson, Patricia Cornwell etc, as well as lots of paper backs of all kinds.
One of the team is a nurse who said that her hospital has a charity shop but there is also a facility which has books available for patients to read... I was thrilled to hear this as she also said that she was happy to collect them from my house today and to take them into the hospital for me! :j I then mentioned a picnic set that has been used once in 10 years that I might take into the staffroom at work but the same friend asked if she could have it, to give to a friend who has just taken on a caravan and needs to find the stuff to use in it!?
Of course I said yes, SO...... today I have de-richarded over 100 books and a 31 piece picnic set (should have been 32 bits but one of the beakers had cracked so that was binned... I guess that still means 32:D) and am very pleased with my progress. Still loads to do but am slowly getting there.

Hugs to all that need them and well done to everyone who is still battling to de-richard anything, no matter how small.

Alice
xxx

Byatt

Sybil, your Little Bear sounds like I was ...not sure how you will greet that knowledge, but I became very attached to things, I think I have mentioned in past posts on here. I can't exactly remember how I felt about things that I hadn't been aware of before. But I was (am?) a very sensitive soul, very imaginative, bonding with things as well as people. I won't go into my reasons as to why, I suspect I know why in some ways, but I also believe it was my personality. I'm very introspective too. Tuned into feelings.

I think however, the suggestions to engage him in the sending of the items to a cause he can relate to will be very helpful. I know I would have enjoyed that process.

To be frank, if I came home even at ag 5 to my room having been decluttered it would have devastated me. My own instincts for Little Bear, say he needs to be involved. I do realise it's difficult and some compromise may have to be made, but having a DD who is autistic and for whom change is hugely traumatic, I am aware how difficult it will be for you as well.

His personality may well be an anxious one, I know mine was, and things were a comfort, something I felt I had some control over. I think it's the "control" part that resonated with me.

He does sound such a sweetheart, and I love your name for him of Little Bear.

Hugs. xxx

Picklepot

Dear All
I have been following this thread for the past few weeks got to page 58 of 107. Perfectionist in me thought i had better read all but changed my mind and decided to jump in.:rotfl:
Thank you Jo Jo for the original post and for all you lovely people for your honest and suppportive posts.I have never been on a forum before so dont actually know if ive done it right . Look forward to getting to know you all.
Picklepot

wannabe_sybil

Picklepot - welcome here, people are lovely! Just keep jumping in! The MSE forum is wide ranging - some parts are more pink and fluffy than others, but there are some lovely people. I hope you find this as helpful as everyone else seems to - it is great for me!

Byatt - thank you for sharing, it is really helpful. I just want to try and work out what to do for the best. On the one hand, his room is fully stuffed, we can hardly get to the window, and it isn't helped by him being the only young child in the immediate family - everyone buys him stuff! On the other hand, I think of him as a person in his own right, and he needs to make his own decisions. I don't feel that I have an automatic right to throw things out that actually are his. I'm quite tempted though, and all sorts of random plastic tat has ended up in unnoticed in the bin.

Little bear is a darling (biased mum here!) and anyone who met him would say he was confident, happy, etc. His school report said he would play with all though he had good close friends, that he was confident with adults and children, alone and in groups, and he doesn't seem to have grasped the concept of 'nervous' or 'stage fright'. So enough of the boasting, he doesn't show being anxious about much. Except he gets distressed about things going.

I think that the imagination is a big thing here. We all show imagination on this thread - we can imagine lots of uses for things, we can imagine that someone out there could need x or y, we can imagine the consequences of not recycling, of not having charity shops etc. I think all the hoarders on here have shown an imaginative side. Little bear's imagination is very vivid and very active. He also has a lot of love in him. (very biased mum here).

Thank you, Byatt, I will try getting him more involved. I will include lots of cuddles with it. I'll share as things go.

Byatt

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Thanks for your comments, ladies.

A birthday! And a Special One! Have a wonderful time!


As regards the return of the documents, I'd be inclined to return them in a cardboard box and a note saying 'No chequebook found. Suggest trying in ...... or asking .......'. And then just leave it at that - no need to reward someone's meanness with telling them exactly how they have hurt you, as they won't really care, anyhow.

After all, surely trying to write all about how much it's hurt is making it hurt all over again as you're thinking about it more? Return the stuff and it's all gone. No need to continue worrying about it afterwards.

Concentrate on yourself and what you need to do for yourself.




The consultant looked at the state of my hands and she's agreed the MTX is the best course of action. It's basically low dose chemo to depress the immune system enough to reduce inflammation (and prevent further joint damage). It can have some side effects which aren't pleasant, but not for everyone. So, I have to wait for the hospital pharmacy to get in touch to arrange training how to self inject and suchlike, I already have a great wodge of blood test forms (as I have to have bloods done every fortnight without fail as it can affect the liver, amongst other things) and I have to completely rethink pain relief, as I can't have any of the usual suspects there.

However, I also had a big shot of steroid whilst I was there, so my hands are already less swollen and I should start feeling better by the morning. So it's not too bad now. It was worse earlier when the lady at the till in M&S took one look at them and packed my bag of easy preparation dinners for me



Anyhow, I have [strike]a whole packet of[/strike] some reduced crumpets to declutter [strike]this evening[/strike] over the next day or so....


What a lovely, sunny last evening of summertime...

Thanks Jo-Jo, your suggestion came in useful, as I have now received a nasty phone call from sister's neighbour. I didn't answer it, but she left a message. So I texted as I had not put a note in parcel (which won't have got there yet, but I only had message yesterday and posted instantly, parcel post)...

I kept it civil although I am shaking. But also told her not to contact me again under any circumstances...ugh!

Picklepot, what a fab name...do you like pickles? Anyway, welcome, and no need to read through the whole thread! :A

I am glad I could help a bit Sybil. Imagination can be wonderful or a curse! I now when my DD went missing in Toys r us, only for a short time in hindsight, but she was only a toddler, I had in the space of 3 mins hurtled through the scenario and ending up on tv making an appeal all in my head! :eek: She was found I'm glad to sya lurking amongst the aisles!

For me, being involved and knowing, is better than than not knowing.

Maybe you could use drawings as a way for him to express his feelings, feelings he may not even be aware of...just think how hard it is for us with all the tools we have to help us, it's still hard getting through the layers.

My DD's support have used quite a useful tool recently. The real world and the dream world, not sure if I've got the headings correct, but certainly "the real world" is right, because my DD has dreams like we all do, but practicalities and facing up to what she can and can't do have to be looked at. DD finds it really useful...

maybe drawings would work but with titles appropriate to Little Bear and his age. How does he see his room for instance, what would he like it to look like. I am sure you can come up with better ideas than me.

Lazy_Liz

Thanks to all who empathised about "blood relatives" amazing how unthinking some poeple can be, often they don't mean to be unkind, they just are.

Sybil, Little Bear sounds a little like my eldest nephew when he was Little Bear's age but his problem was going on journeys, he had to know where they were going, when they would get there how long it would take etc. etc and he got really nervous and when he got older wanted to check the TV text for traffic reports. His mum let him do this but only up to a point, ie once is enough. Certainly make sure Little Bear understands what you are going to do when you de-clutter his room and perhaps make sure he does not see the stuff you have removed? Probably seeing the things going is a big worry to him, they belong in his house. If they are gone without seeing them perhaps he won't worry so much. However the new environment of his room might be a bit of a shock, perhaps have a big reveal with a ribbon to cut or lining paper over the doorway to rip down to make it exciting. What ever you do good luck and remeber its probably just a stage.

Have a good weekend to everyone, happy de cluttering or just have a nice break.

SpikyHedgehog

alec_eiffel wrote: »

Well if it works for that shop, great, my experience is that it doesn't really save any time though. I worked as a manager and volunteer for the best part of 9 years and we were always trained to go through everything, unless it was obviously filthy and smelled too much.

Regardless of what happens at the other end though I think there's a lot of stress brought on by finding the right place to dispose of things, whereas the main thing is to get the stuff out of the house and when making a decision about any item is tough then done is better than perfect. Perfectionism is what can lead us to grind to a halt and worrying about the end destination of an old towel isn't healthy imo.

I totally agree that the important thing is to get rid of stuff. Its hard though - I've got 3 unused glade candles sitting on top of my shelving unit waiting for the scouts fun day tomorrow - I got them last year as winter prep, but having 2 hamsters & 3 asthmatic humans in the house mean they're not a good idea! But I couldn't bring myself put them in the CS bag, or a set of books I got for my nephew & discovered he already had... They will be gone tomorow though!

valk_scot wrote: »

Back from town and the Oxfam shop, where I took some of OH's barely worn M&S polo shirts. (He's got a bit too big for them.) I wanted a M&S voucher for the last of the school uniform but of course I then found myself wandering around looking at things as per normal. Then I went to the PDSA shop next door and it was just as I was heading for the BHF down the street that I asked myself what I was doing? That I had said publicly that I wasn't going to do this any more? So I did a body swerve into B&M instead and got my karmic reward in the shape of some of the currently favoured cat food at about a third the price from Tesco. Quick trip to the veg shop and I was gone...there's far too many charity shops in our High Street for a sad addict like me.

We have got so many charity shops. I've just taken DS2 on our summer holiday trip on the open top bus, & you get to see CSs that you don't normally see... Resist! I said :-) & managed to resist them.

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

Blossomhill - little bear is definitely not getting 'hanging on' vibes from me. Honestly, the first time he saw them in his life (quite literally, they had been in a cupboard upstairs since before he was born) was yesterday when he saw them packed to go. I have no hesitation at all about getting rid, I will be glad to see the back of them.

I think I will try and have a long talk with him about it tomorrow - he will be tired when he comes in from out of school club. He was really distressed by the thought of them going - nearly in tears. Normally for things he objects to I use a combination of bribery (a lot), explanations or just plain - this is how it is! However I don't want to trigger hoarding because things were arbitrarily removed from his home (in his view), and I want to try and work out where he is coming from to find out what sort of reasoning he needs.

If there is a genetic component to hoarding then there is a lot on both sides of the family, not just mine. It may be that there is a genetic component to anxiety issues, many manifest as OCD or hoarding, and honestly you would not believe stuff about both mine and OH's family. If little bear does have some sort of predisposition I want to be able to start early in giving him the tools to deal with it and have more comfort in himself.

(if this doesn't make sense then I apologise, I am running a temperature again)

In a fortnight's time we are clearing little bear's room while he is at his auntie's house. When we finish there will be about half the contents, we are getting rid of furniture as well as books, soft toys, clothes etc. I need to work out now if that will cause real problems for him, and how to approach stuff. There are limits to how much we can involve him and still get stuff done. One problem is that he will not get rid of anything.

No dericharding, but lots of plans. hugs to all

I had to get into DS1's bedroom when he was 5 while he had a weekend with nanny & grandad. I didn't get rid of anything though (apart from dust, bits of broken pencils leads, etc). I think I'd talk to little bear about the plans. Could you get him to help draw plans of how his room could realistically look? If you have to do his room without him, I wouldn't get rid of the stuff from it, but put it in another room so he can be involved in the clearance.

wannabe_sybil

Byatt - I am so sorry you are having such a tough time with your sister. It isn't fair, you have done more than can be expected of you. Hold your head up and know that you have done all the right things. Lots of hugs

From a biased mum's point of view you sound a little like little bear, although he is very confident in most social things. Far more confident than I could imagine. He, too, is very loving and giving, and cares about people. I am sure he would give you a hug of his rat if he could (and only me and his girlfriend have had that privilege so far!). Seriously, you sound lovely, and your sister is crazy not to cherish you.

Also, I am shamelessly taking everyone's ideas.

As for little bear, it's hard to know where to stop with the imagination. One of the things in little bear's room that is definitely staying is a six foot, card board stand up cut out of a Dalek. I wasn't so keen on OH introducing little bear to Dr Who early on, and there were one or two times he got nervous about the huge Dalek. So, thanks to imagination, this huge, threatening, frightening monster is now nicknamed Mrs Dalek, who gets holes in her knitting after drinking too much sherry and she sings rude songs about Cybermen. For a few years we convinced him we had a dragon living under our front step. It was only a little one and kept flying off and burning stuff down the street (where they had illicit bonfires). I kept asking the neighbour for coal for the dragon and the neighbour thought it was wonderful. Little bear is used to using stories to enjoy the world, so this is a good approach.

With the blankets, I am getting rid. He didn't know they existed until yesterday, but I will talk him through it. His own stuff is different. I don't want him to feel that he has to hold on to everything just in case it suddenly vanishes. I feel (big thing there - it is emotions that are driving this) that I need to give him the tools to get rid of things. I'll try the story telling and drawing ideas. I will be discussing our plans eg getting rid of an unused desk and getting a new bookcase, and asking for his input. Hopefully we can get through this, so that little bear isn't like me, hanging on to things long past reason in case I never get anything like that again.

However I am the adult, and so I need to have a certain amount of final say, so that the bedroom is possible. At the moment, it is so crammed that it is impossible. I have been trying to set him a good example, so fingers crossed this will stand me in good stead.

Lazy Liz - I love the idea of the big reveal, we are so going to have to do that!

Hugs to all.