Hoarding...not just on TV

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Calico, sorry to say this, but you need to walk away from this situation. If your friend is abusing alcohol, you are in danger of being dragged into her cycle of poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.

Being supportive/protecting her isn't helping her. Trying to help isn't helping her. It isn't helping you, either.


All I can say is, no matter how much of a ratbag you feel about it, it's not your responsibility and you, for your own safety (in all senses) need to step away.

calicocat

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Calico, sorry to say this, but you need to walk away from this situation. If your friend is abusing alcohol, you are in danger of being dragged into her cycle of poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.

Being supportive/protecting her isn't helping her. Trying to help isn't helping her. It isn't helping you, either.


All I can say is, no matter how much of a ratbag you feel about it, it's not your responsibility and you, for your own safety (in all senses) need to step away.

Yes, when she gets really bad and doing the whole drinking thing i have in the past stepped away as know i need to , due to finding myself on a river bank looking for her before and having police etc looking for her. Not a good scenario i know as i actuallly work within this field in a way......but it's always harder to see the wood for the trees when you are directly involved though isnt it.
Thanks for posting back so promptly , i knew thew answer really , guess it helps to see it in black and white so to speak , and have someone not involved and not knowing either party say it.

Thanks.

thriftwizard

Calicocat, you're going to have to wait until she hits rock bottom & really, really wants to get better. It's not easy but there is no other way; helping her whilst she's still drinking isn't actually going to help at all in the long run. Tell her you'll be there for her when she's ready to stop hiding & face reality, but not while she's drinking, at all, then stay away.

GQ, sorry, but I've decided you really ought to marry my younger brother - he's quite house-trained, very OS, just about solvent & very capable, and it'd be a houseful of sparkling words & entertaining ideas & an allotment (or two) & kitchen full of inexpensive deliciousness!

Byatt, {{{huge hugs}}} - I too lost a beloved canine companion in a similar way, and in a way it was my own fault; my parents thought he'd "turned" on me. He did bite me, but it was a warning nip that went too deep; I think he had an abscess or something similar, and I inadvertently hit it when I was tussling with him as I had since I was tiny. He nipped my arm & just held on until I let go; it did draw blood but it wasn't bad & I don't remember feeling at all frightened. I didn't realise until fairly recently that they'd had him put down afterwards, and I felt so awful. I was 9 then and I'm 53 now and it still hurts.

Brightonbelle & cyclingyorkie - with you in spirit - mine doesn't study any more but hoards football books & programmes - and the subject is just plain not up for discussion! Any mess or chaos, of any kind, is automatically MY problem, nothing to do with him whatsoever...

GreyQueen

Morning all.

Calicocat I have been in times past torn up inside about a friend's alcoholism. Without too many real life identifiers, this particular lady was teetering on the brink of losing everything because of her drinking and her many friends were very troubled. Sober, she's lovely but she can be a very mean drunk. She hasn't done the meanie on me but I have heard from many sources that she has turned on other friends. I don't know why she hasn't turned on me in her cups, unless it is some sense that it would be The End for our friendship if she did. We don't discuss it.

I sought some advice from an older and more experienced person who, although you'd never credit it now, is a recovering alcoholic. He told me that I must leave this alone, that no one can help her until she is ready to help herself. He said that he only sought help and dried out when he realised that he kept losing things; his marriage, the respect of his adult children, his home, his job, his health..........:(

It's a horrible horrible situation to be in and for ages I went around with the places and times of the local AA meetings on a scrap of paper in my wallet, ready to give to the pal when she wanted help............ultimately, she is hanging on in there still as a functional alcoholic, but there isn't a resolution in sight, unfortunately.

sjprmc01

No progress at all today except putting all the plastic bottles in the recycling. Feeling overwhelmed by it all now

Going back to work tomorrow after two 'holiday' weekends (I only work weekends). And feeling like stuff is just going to pile up further even though OH is generally tidier than e with stuff like dishes and cleaning the floors/bathroom etc

calicocat

Hi GQ......and thanks.

I know this really , I think it is harder to watch when it is someone close.........and ultimately I think she will loose things , probably starting with her job , and fairly soon if she's not carefull.:( . It is an impossible situation and I have had to ignore her for periods in the past and seriouusly disengage. With this paticular person I think loosing thinngs will make her more needy etc and spiral things further down hill and make her more dependant on others , however not something I can do anything about as everyone says.as of today I am backing off for a couple of weeks (or more depending how long this bout lasts etc).

Right anyhow I have stuff myself to deal with /think about / , and I have family coming to stay next saturday for a few days.

SO , I have decided that I am going to have to tidy things before then anyway when off work so may as well do a bit of de-richarding and cat-flapping at the same time so will post on the progress I have. May have to do the kitchen really as that could be classed as a bit OTT clutter-wise. I am a big 'foodie' and love cooking.......but think I may have a tendancy to 'collect' herbs and spices,seeds,pods.......you name it. Not one inch of room in the cupboards......I have what I call a 'pasta mountain'.......and not even eating pasta at the moment. So I get where Katiep is on the food thing. Yes....I am going to attack this before next weekend. Hell that's just reminded me I have a Herman Cake on the go and will have to do the last 'feed' and then dish it out to people.....that I haven't organised at all.........I may end up cay-flapping Herman !
:rotfl: :rotfl: bet that would be a first !! ......with instructions of course.

Keep going all ,the progress is putting my efforts to shame.

wannabe_sybil

Just watched the follow up programme about Richard that I had recorded - so sad. Richard just seems so intelligent and quick minded in so many ways - the words he uses are not basic vocabulary but those of an educated and intelligent, thoughtful man. Yet he has been so trapped!

Nothing much happening here. Sending hugs to all.

:o:o will be trying to make some sense in the kitchen - we need a lock smith to mend the kitchen door and I am so ashamed of the state he saw it in.

Byatt

thriftwizard wrote: »

Calicocat, you're going to have to wait until she hits rock bottom & really, really wants to get better. It's not easy but there is no other way; helping her whilst she's still drinking isn't actually going to help at all in the long run. Tell her you'll be there for her when she's ready to stop hiding & face reality, but not while she's drinking, at all, then stay away.

GQ, sorry, but I've decided you really ought to marry my younger brother - he's quite house-trained, very OS, just about solvent & very capable, and it'd be a houseful of sparkling words & entertaining ideas & an allotment (or two) & kitchen full of inexpensive deliciousness!

Byatt, {{{huge hugs}}} - I too lost a beloved canine companion in a similar way, and in a way it was my own fault; my parents thought he'd "turned" on me. He did bite me, but it was a warning nip that went too deep; I think he had an abscess or something similar, and I inadvertently hit it when I was tussling with him as I had since I was tiny. He nipped my arm & just held on until I let go; it did draw blood but it wasn't bad & I don't remember feeling at all frightened. I didn't realise until fairly recently that they'd had him put down afterwards, and I felt so awful. I was 9 then and I'm 53 now and it still hurts.

Brightonbelle & cyclingyorkie - with you in spirit - mine doesn't study any more but hoards football books & programmes - and the subject is just plain not up for discussion! Any mess or chaos, of any kind, is automatically MY problem, nothing to do with him whatsoever...

I'm sorry about your pooch too, and agree the hurt is still there although I am now trying to resolve that. Hugs back. It wasn't your fault though, just something that happened and I expect your parents thought you had to be protected above all else. :A

sjprmc01 wrote: »

No progress at all today except putting all the plastic bottles in the recycling. Feeling overwhelmed by it all now

Going back to work tomorrow after two 'holiday' weekends (I only work weekends). And feeling like stuff is just going to pile up further even though OH is generally tidier than e with stuff like dishes and cleaning the floors/bathroom etc

Sj, honestly, if anyone saw my place they would think there is no progress either. I saw a friend on Wednesday, I think, and we had to go to the farm shop for coffee across the road because I could not invite her to mine. In fact she's never been here, and most of my friends only saw it when I first moved in, when I could justify the mess! Five minutes or, all the plastic bottles, is progress...:A and it does overwhelm and seem insurmountable, but it's better to look back and think, well I did something, then nothing at all. Little things like taking a mug into the kitchen when I go through, instead of waiting for 2-3 to pile up...throwing away something instead of wondering what you could do with it...baby steps.

calicocat wrote: »

Hi GQ......and thanks.

I know this really , I think it is harder to watch when it is someone close.........and ultimately I think she will loose things , probably starting with her job , and fairly soon if she's not carefull.:( . It is an impossible situation and I have had to ignore her for periods in the past and seriouusly disengage. With this paticular person I think loosing thinngs will make her more needy etc and spiral things further down hill and make her more dependant on others , however not something I can do anything about as everyone says.as of today I am backing off for a couple of weeks (or more depending how long this bout lasts etc).

Right anyhow I have stuff myself to deal with /think about / , and I have family coming to stay next saturday for a few days.

SO , I have decided that I am going to have to tidy things before then anyway when off work so may as well do a bit of de-richarding and cat-flapping at the same time so will post on the progress I have. May have to do the kitchen really as that could be classed as a bit OTT clutter-wise. I am a big 'foodie' and love cooking.......but think I may have a tendancy to 'collect' herbs and spices,seeds,pods.......you name it. Not one inch of room in the cupboards......I have what I call a 'pasta mountain'.......and not even eating pasta at the moment. So I get where Katiep is on the food thing. Yes....I am going to attack this before next weekend. Hell that's just reminded me I have a Herman Cake on the go and will have to do the last 'feed' and then dish it out to people.....that I haven't organised at all.........I may end up cay-flapping Herman !
:rotfl: :rotfl: bet that would be a first !! ......with instructions of course.

Keep going all ,the progress is putting my efforts to shame.

Calico, you sound like you are a very good friend, but as others have said, until she wants to be helped there's nothing you can do. I don't use drink as a medication, but when I'm down I do keep to myself and no-one can reach or help me, even though friends have tried. They have learned that I will come around eventually and are always there afterwards even though I have not been a good friend. I think that's "all" you can do. Often it is harder to step back than it is to try and fix things.

The cat flapping of Herman made me :rotfl::rotfl:

Another lightbulb moment for me, which happened late last night. I was struggling to get past a trolley thing I had rescued from the recycling centre for £3 a few weeks ago, with the plan that I would paint it and restore it to loveliness and it would be my pride and joy. I have looked at it lovingly, although it lay on its side with all the component bits (trays, wheels) lying around it...then last night I looked it with new eyes and thought, what a piece of carp it is! (utility built after the war I suspect). Why I thought it was so gorgeous I have no idea, but its a bit like the King has no clothes fairy tale...plus, I realised I have no where to put it, not a space, not a nook or cranny, the whole thing was ridiculous. So now it's loaded back into the car to take to another recycling place where it may be "rescued" by someone else. :T And I can move from living space to kitchen without going sideways. :T

edit I watched the programme last night about Richard, there seemed to be some positive outcomes at the end...I did feel for him though and could empathise with the panic he felt when something was beeing binned.

wannabe_sybil

Just as a by the by - last AF order contained three tins of tomato puree. I was hoping to get back into making home made pizza/bruschetta and three small tins would be nice. They are not three small tins, they are three vast, huge tins and need using up.

So I will be rummaging to find ideas and I can see a lot of tomato type recipes on the horizons, also considering freezing etc, but I am less than impressed. Must be tough with myself - will throw if not used! Also need to properly store the tray of baked beans I bought from Makro. It is very worth it, the beans are one of the few things that actually are cheaper (OH is fussy about beans).

Actually glad that I have some bulk buys, however, as the kitchen door has ishoos. The lock is currently jammed shut, but it is getting a bit variable, so I am keeping it barricaded. Humungous boxes of Fairy washing powder are very useful apart from the laundry.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Good evening, my lovely people!

I have been quite productive today. I looked at the odd bits of wood stacked up against the wall by the water butt, along with a bit of a shelf and thought hmmmmm.....

45 minutes later, I had a custom built, twin chambered mini compost heap cage that sits against the shed wall (the shelf protects the shed wall from the moisture) and protrudes back to meet the back wall, slots in next to the pillars, has provided a sitting place for a teasel and some angelica, the compost pile has been used to level the ground around the cat's final resting place, and I used up the last quarter tin of blue spray paint to weather proof the thing.


This then gave me room to plant up the lovage.

And a fern.


And I did some weeding of the [strike]lawn[/strike] grass, yarrow, clover and sunflower filled centre of the garden.

Planted out some parsley, yellow pepper, red chillies and french tarragon.

Deadheaded mallow, nasturtiums - lots of nasturtiums.

Sowed some extra french beans, broad beans, yellow globe courgette, peas and white cornflowers.

Repotted some very sad looking mint and sage in the pots vacated by the lovage and angelica.

Used up the last of the manure on the garden.

Watered everything.


Cleaned out the food recycling bin.


And collapsed in a heap after dinner.



But I have acquired another couple of square yards of garden.

And lost around a whole wheelie binfull of extraneous gibble.



Oh, and I finished the binding of the stair carpet. So no more bits of that hanging around, no more glue sticks.

and the last bit of carpet was used to add a smaller, 12 inch high pillar to the scratching post constructed of old doormat, leftover sisal carpet, half a shelf and a bannister newel post reclaimed from the house being renovated round the corner.



I'm wrecked.