Hoarding...not just on TV

calicocat

I didn't want to read this and just go.

Firstly being hit for your troubles is unacceptable , and she is clearly unwell , which you can not fix and most certainly should no longer try to do alone if at all.

I have a friend like this ,she has got verbally nasty and defensive when confronted about it (which she initiates as discusses it ). She constantly blames other people for it ,yes some of the mess has been created by teenage kids etc , but they are gone now ,and have been for a while other than popping back between jobs. The hoarding is down to her which she can not or will not usually admit. I have tried to help , but ultimately she didn't want this really as she saw this as an intrusion (even when she had asked for the help). It is a mental/emotional problem and one I think that can only be fixed when that person is ready and not when others decide is the time to do something. Some people may never want help though I guess.

So ,you are nt alone by any means. My friends kids have all left and can't stand being back for any length of time and I think this has contributed to her husband thinking of leaving her for good ,which in a way is understandable as the majority of us don't want to live like that.

I hope things get sorted out for you and her , but I wouldn't go back again on your own for sure.

And hugs for you and the cat , I think you said on the llama thread that one was at the vets tonight on a drip ? Hope things go well for puss.

gocurlygirl

Jojo- hugs to you.

nicki_2

Jojo huge hugs to you.

flippin36

Jojo I've been worrying about you!

Sometimes you have to just switch off and let someone else deal with it. DON'T GO BACK EVER. Have a day off (soon) where you just do things that make you happy. Look after you, be kind to yourself, treat yourself, give yourself a some recognition for what you have done and what you have survived. Give yourself permission to be absolutely fantastic. When you have come from an abusive childhood it is very hard to feel you deserve good things but you do. Have you ever been for counselling? Your childhood experiences and the rejection and abuse you got from your mum must weigh very heavy. Perhaps off loading those memories and thoughts will help. Don't ever feel guilty for walking away from this - I wonder whether you should have walked away sooner? You and your daughter are the only thing that matters now. Take care.

RuthG

This threead was mentioned on another so I came across to take a look. I dont post much any more, but I couldnt just walk away from this one.

Jo-Jo, I agree with the others. Your mother is ill and needs professional help. You simply MUST NOT go back there, at least alone; she will destroy you one way or another - either emotionally, or physically. She appears to be manipulative and gets what she wants - well, professionals wont allow that. By all means report her to Social Services, but I also agree with one poster who suggested you call the police. They wont bother to prosecute, but if you insist they visit her, they will see for themselves the mess and they will be able to get her help too. Also talk to her GP.

On another note, this thread has helped me more than you can imagine. I too hoard things and in recent years it has begun to get out of control - we have a 4 bedroomed house and we cant have anyone to stay because the spare rooms (two of them) are so full of stuff you cant use the beds. We also cant use the dining room and the room I am now in (study) has pathways so we can get round it. I love books and collect them by the score. I told myself it was okay, it was simply that there werent enough bookshelves, so books are piled all over the place. Through this thread, I have realised it isnt okay at all and I have started to do something about it. I dont want to leave all this sorting out to do for my children - they should not have to bear the burden of cleaning up after me when I'm gone. I started with a room that was already clean and relatively tidy (the kitchen - dont want food poisoning so keep it clean anyway). It had begun to get a little untidy, but now it is sparkling again.

Thank you for saving me from myself. Now go and save yourself from your mother's manipulation and bullying.

theoldcynic

What a lovely post RuthG.

I do not consider myself to have an issue with hoarding, but I do have a penchant for collecting books!
Like you I did start to overfill my shelves with them, however with an expanding family to consider I had to do something about it.

Although it was hard at the time to let go of some of them (they really are the only thing I like to collect - very few ornaments around the house etc) it was really helpful.

I got most enjoyment from sorting them into sellable piles and donating them to various charities as well as the local hospital who also raise funds from them selling them on second hand. It is nice to know that they may well be being read and enjoyed by someone else and raising funds for a worthy cause at the same time and it may well be that that person will donate it back too, furthering the funds raised. Rather than just gathering dust on my shelf.

I don't actually miss them now and have largely forgotten which ones I had donated! x

1sttimer_2

Jo-Jo, I do feel for you. I live with a hoarder who just cannot bear to throw anything out. Fortunately I can sometimes get rid of stash without him realising it, but it still does take over some of our home. We have lovely cellars and garage under the house (we live on a steep hill) but you cannot get in it because of all the stuff in there. If I need to do any gardening, I need to fight my way to the cellar to get out the stuff and fight my way back in again! The main rooms are not too bad, but they still have stuff in that is totally unnecessary.

I have a friend who's bil was an unknown hoarder. Friends's wife used to take her brother to the supermarket each week (she was never allowed into the house, although he'd never married and the house was their parents) and he bought whatever he needed of his shopping list. This was happening for years. Then, unfortunately, he died suddenly and when they went into the house, they found it piled to the ceiling with stuff. He'd got a small pathway from the door to one seat in the lounge, one to the bathroom and bedroom, and one to the kitchen. All the food he'd been buying was just pushed in the cupboards/laying around the kitchen never being used. Friend had to clear out the house and had to have 5 skips full of rubbish. Amongst the stuff were computers and expensive hi-fi's he bought and never used. It was very sad that he chose to live that way.

I've also an elderly neighbour that has never touched his house since his mum died (30+ years ago) and recently he fell and police had to break down the window/door to get to him. Another neighbour and I went in to help and we were absolutely astounded with how he lived! But at the end of the day it is his choice to live that way, and your mums too. It is an illness, and like any other mental illness, they cannot see themselves as ill, nor that it's a different way of living to anyone else. To these people, it's normal!

I do hope you get some help for your mum and like all the others, I would not go back there by yourself, even though she's your mum. It could be a lot worse next time as she might use the knives and not a garden fork! It's just too dangerous.

Take care.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Well, the cat didn't make it. He's now buried in a sunny spot in the garden.


The thought of never seeing Oggie again hurts. The thought of never seeing my mother again, well, fair enough. Says it all, really, that I am more attached to a cat than a person I'm supposed to care about.


She knew the cat was in cat ITU. She knows that I think a lot of animals; I grew up on the floor in the dirt with them, after all. Had more contact with animals than humans at least until I was five. Certainly children, at any rate.

No call. Nothing.

I'm obviously of no further use to her now. And she can put all her precious scissors and cling film and pots and pans and crud where she likes because some mug made space for it. In one room, any rate.

My sister might get somewhere with her, but I'm not risking it again. I've even got whiplash from the wallop.

Meh. I'm planning how to plant up the corner where the cat is. Not worrying about her future.





I hope everyone who hoards realises their need for help before its too late, I hope that everyone who is involved with one gets support.


And I am going to go shopping tomorrow and yet again, will find myself taking hours because I have to stand in front of each display and ask myself 'do I really need this? Do I need one or two? Am I only looking at it because it's a bargain? Would it look at home in her house? What do I need to chuck away to make space for this?'


Please, keep posting, I really do want this to become a support thread more than a single person going on about her experiences.

But I need a bit of time out. Just for a little while as I adjust to Oggs bring gone.

aliasojo

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

But I need a bit of time out. Just for a little while as I adjust to Oggs bring gone.

I'm so sorry Jo.

BitterAndTwisted

I've had a few puss-cats in my long life and lost all of them eventually, bar the present incumbent who is ruling me with a velvet glove enclosing a fist of solid iron. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've shed a fair few tears over their sad loss, sometimes more than I've shed for a family member. It feels like such a terrible loss because they are so dependent on you, yes even cats, and that's not true for a lot of family when you're a grown up with no children of your own. Some people believe their animals go to the Rainbow Bridge, and if that gives them comfort then I think that's just fine.

I'm sorry to say it Jojo but your mother sounds truly and deeply vile, so you should be able to walk away from her forever and not need to look back once. I do hope that you can do that. It sounds like that's all she deserves.

Onwards and upwards to a wonderful happy future! And that's what it sounds like you do truly deserve.

Hugs,

B&T