Friend marrying naff bloke

Blue_Monkey

Not really looking for advice, just a bit of a vent I suppose.

One of my oldest bestest friends gets married today and I know it sounds dreadful but I can't bear the bloke she's marrying and am genuinely shocked that she's going through with it. She's sparky, feisty, wild and beautiful. He's just not who I imagined she'd ever end up with - and whilst other friends have partners who might not be my cuppa, I can generally see what the attraction is - not with this guy though.... The whole thing is a mystery to all our pals, not just me.... I know it's none of my business and would never dream of showing anything but happiness for them but I can't also help feeling disappointed for (with?!?) her.

I am happy that she's happy, just a bit gobsmacked that this guy makes her happy I suppose. I feel horrible saying this but can't help but feel it's just not right...

Pah - what does it matter what I think anyway... Her life, her love.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Birdy12

Yep. A couple of times.

One of my friends married one of her oldest boy friends, ie, they were never boyfriend and girlfriend previously. Funny thing is, when he speaks he sounds (and sometimes acts) so camp, I often wonder whether he's gay. But they dote on each other and that's the main thing.

Another friend moved to Australia years ago, embarked on a relationship with one of her cousins, ditched him and then took up with someone else. Her mum got a phone call one day to say that she'd got married - that day.

Thing is, my pal was an absolute stunner and this guy was...well, less so. Not that looks mean anything but it was ironic that, 2 years later, they announced they were getting divorced, just months after she got her Australian citizenship :cool:. Nobody ever outright said it but I suspect he was an unknowing participant in helping her get what she wanted.

I'll never know for sure anyway as, most unfortunately, she died 2 years ago at the age of 39.

gingin_2

Yes.

My best friend married a drip, I 'm not sure she was ever really happy with him but she wanted the whole marriage and children thing and got it with him. I'm not sure she's happy. She has to work full time with three kids under 5, even though he turned down the chance for good career progression that would have meant she didn't have to( she wanted him to take it) because he's "happy as he is".

I sensed it straight off but have always been supportive and would never dream of mentioning it to her, no one else said anything at the start apart from my husband from the first time we met him but as time has gone on other people have said the same thing. I know it's a very taboo thing to admit and it feels weird writing it down - very disloyal, but it's hard not to feel that she could have done much better.

geri1965_2

What is the problem with him exactly? What do you mean by 'naff'? Is he not good looking enough, wears untrendy clothes or what? If it's something that shallow, then I think you should butt out, frankly. Maybe he is kind, or has a good sense of humour, and makes her feel good about herself.

Even if you think he is bad for her, she is highly unlikely to take any notice of what you say and you will just cause ill feeling. If it's a mistake, she will find out for herself soon enough.

[Deleted User]

Isn't it always easier to see the mistakes others are making rather than our own?

"If we make our bed, we lie on it" - Maybe sounds unkind, but as OP says - "none of our business".

Many years ago, I 'tangled' with someone who I was warned against by my parents & others. Yes, I realised afterwards that they were correct ...

skylight

My best friend warned me of my now ex-OH. And I warned her of her's!

Weird, but we could both see (as its always easier when your looking in) that the other partners were not right, but believed ours was fine!

Importantly, it didn't impact on our friendship. If your best friend cannot tell you the truth without you shooting the messenger, then who can? And we have since made a pact (over several takeaways and large bottles of wine) that in future we will listen to each other instead. Older and wiser and all that.

Not that telling is right for everyone.

gibson123

Not a lot you can do about it and you may not be right, my gorgeous friend married a man who is frankly quite ugly, even she could not understand why she found him incredibly sexy - it has so worked out for them both, they are so happy together.
If she loves and fancies him then I wouldn't worry at all. if you think she is settling then that may suit too. Just be a supportive friend and try to be nice.

beautiful_ravens

What you can see on the outside of a relationship isnt always whats going on on the inside. My ex was an attractive, polite man; tall, fit, friendly, well to do - no one could understand the problems I had with him, his oppressive negative controlling a****le ways just went over everyone elses head because of how he looked and seemed to them.
I can tell my new bloke is a surprise to everyone, even me, nothing like my normal 'type' to look at and a bit antisocial, messy looking, outspoken, odd, lol but I completely adore him, and he treats me like a goddess and we have a great private relationship which again, no one else is going to understand or see.

That said I never saw the appeal of my best mates bloke, although they have lasted years through all sorts of trauma and seem to be going strong!

midnightraven3

yup

she a goth, pierced, tattooed, and he was a "proper english gent"
poles apart in everything
everyone had an opinion on their union, on both sides, even complete strangers
they didnt listen to anyone

2 decades later, he still makes my heart skip a beat when he walks into a room
i'm still goth and he still wears his suits!:D

POPPYOSCAR

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Not really looking for advice, just a bit of a vent I suppose.

One of my oldest bestest friends gets married today and I know it sounds dreadful but I can't bear the bloke she's marrying and am genuinely shocked that she's going through with it. She's sparky, feisty, wild and beautiful. He's just not who I imagined she'd ever end up with - and whilst other friends have partners who might not be my cuppa, I can generally see what the attraction is - not with this guy though.... The whole thing is a mystery to all our pals, not just me.... I know it's none of my business and would never dream of showing anything but happiness for them but I can't also help feeling disappointed for (with?!?) her.

I am happy that she's happy, just a bit gobsmacked that this guy makes her happy I suppose. I feel horrible saying this but can't help but feel it's just not right...

Pah - what does it matter what I think anyway... Her life, her love.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

You said it!!

marisco_2

With one of my friends I was genuinely shocked at who she chose to be her life partner. He was the complete opposite to her and myself and many others in our friendship circle felt he brought her down.

However it appears all of our fears and misgivings about them were misplaced. They celebrate their 11th wedding anniversary this year, are as happy as pigs in !!!!!!, are great parents to two happy gorgeous little kids and seem to really enjoy their life together.

Some other friends of mine who married around the same time and seemed like the perfect match, have either gone on to divorce or have stuck together unhappily for the sake of the kids.

Just goes to show you never can tell. If your friend is happy then be happy for her and hope that it all works out for them.