Friend marrying naff bloke

Dontknowanymore

So what is exactly wrong with him?
TBH I have thought it about friends boyfriends before and I am sure people have thought it about my exes!

Have found myself a right diamond bloke now though, we went to school together and quite frankly I thought he was an ugly saddo back then! He said he was intimidated by me! :rotfl: Havent seen him for 12 years and have been back in contact since March, now we are official lots of our old school pals are rather baffled, but we are like 2 peas in a pod, have the same sense of humour, want the same things in life and just generally make eachother extremely happy.

So even if anyone does think why are we together, I don't care, I have found someone who is genuinely nice, non abusive and loves me unconditionally, I feel totally 100% secure in our relationship which is a whole new experience for me! my kids think he's fab too

BugglyB

Oh come on fluffnutter! Surely in you group of friends the conversation doesn't go

'have you met her new fella yet'
'oh yeah whats he like!'
'oh, I won't be passing judgement on him'

I do fully agree with you though that friend probably already knows what OP thinks, and she owes it to friend to respect her choice and try and get on with this guy.

moneypuddle

I feel like my OH is on the receiving end of this sometimes, particularly from a girl at work who doesn't like him and looks down on him, even though she's met him maybe three times and is a judgemental cow anyway. She knows nothing about him but somehow thinks her opinion on him counts. I know she think he's not good enough for me, but that is based on no knowledge whatsoever. Her partner does NOTHING for me but I've never said that to her. She'll pass snidey comments about mine - but to be honest I think it says more about her than it does about my partner.

He's a wonderful partner, is going to be a great father (from October!) and is everything to me. One colleague's thoughts really couldn't touch that.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks all - I appreciate the replies...

Let me clarify - I do not intend to say anything to my friend about how I feel. I've thought about it, but what good would it do? As people have pointed out - she's an adult, can make her own decisions and ultimately it's none of my business. As I said in my original post - just coming on here to vent really.

The whole thing makes me feel really two-faced - I am pleasant to him and I get on with him when we see him.

So what is "naff" about him? Well... He's ok-ish when sober, but get a few drinks in him and he's vile: He grabs/touches all us other girls too much in a far too familiar way, he says inappropriate things to everyone, he schmoozes with people then slags them off, he makes my friend cry when he gets paranoid about her ex and they have huge rows. He tried to stir between her ex and the ex's new girlfiend saying to my friend "She's giving you evils" - which was utter cods.

He wants to get bang on it when everyone else is just out for a couple on a Sunday arvo. He's what my mum would call "a bad influence".

I don't doubt they love each other very much - I just think she's completely brainwashed by him and he doesn't bring out the best in her - ie a few months ago when they were skint saving for the wedding, they went out for a meal and then a couple of hours afterwards called the restaurant and said (lied) they'd both suffered from food poisoning with the sole intention of getting their money back and vouchers for another meal... Then proceeded to brag to everyone about it.

And it isn't just me that says this - a few people have said they just don't get it. It's hard to put a finger on exactly what isn't right, but you know when something just feels wrong.

Brighton_belle

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

a few months ago when they were skint saving for the wedding, they went out for a meal and then a couple of hours afterwards called the restaurant and said (lied) they'd both suffered from food poisoning with the sole intention of getting their money back and vouchers for another meal... Then proceeded to brag to everyone about it.

That sort of immoral behaviour would seriously damage any reationship I had with a friend let alone the boyfriend.

foreign_correspondent

skylight wrote: »

My best friend warned me of my now ex-OH. And I warned her of her's!

Weird, but we could both see (as its always easier when your looking in) that the other partners were not right, but believed ours was fine!

Importantly, it didn't impact on our friendship. If your best friend cannot tell you the truth without you shooting the messenger, then who can? And we have since made a pact (over several takeaways and large bottles of wine) that in future we will listen to each other instead. Older and wiser and all that.

Not that telling is right for everyone.

ah, I warned my best male friend when he was getting married first time round - she was a lovely girl, but they weren't well suited...

I knew I needed to say something, but resolved that I would say it, once, then after that, I had said my bit, and I never brought it up again. They didnt have a happy marriage, sadly, and later divorced.

He is now with someone who suits him far better, and I'm single after an unhappy relationship, so now he, and several other close friends have all been told to vet anyone I'm seeing, and give honest feedback! :cool: Whether I will listen or not, I'm not entirely sure myself, but I do want them to feel they can tell me!

However, this needs to be done well before the wedding day! So, you have left it too late to do anything other then wish them well OP, and accept that you may not have chosen your friend's bloke, (I don't like the sound of him from your last post either!) but ultimately, you don't have to live with him, and it takes all sorts!

Tygermoth

Another here where her best mate was making a mistake.

We were the bestest of mates we had gone through our college/training/halls/placements for five years. We had holidayed, lived together and stayed at each others parents, the works.

I had been abroad for a few months after completing our course before starting the next round of training and came home to find she had got engaged I was made up for her.

I traveled down from my placement to where she was doing hers, excited to meet the happy couple. When I arrived at the flat he was over familiar and disturbingly touchy feely. For no reason I could put my finger on he put my teeth on edge and had more smarm than a car salesman (sorry any decent car salesman out there)

All our course mates popped in to say hi/welcome back and one of them took me aside to tell me he was blatantly cheating with a very close friend of both of us (one of the girls on our course). Oh and I mean blatantly, she lived across the hall and he stayed there the night I visited to give us some 'girlie alone time'.

After all the girls and he had gone for the night I very tactfully asked some questions about this ‘friendship’ my mate admitted that she knew. I was gobsmacked. She had decided as she was no looker as she was plump and homely (there was nothing wrong with her, she was smart, funny and had the biggest heart in the world) this was her only chance to get married settle down and have children.

She felt she knew the odds when she went in, as such it would be fine.

I couldn’t believe it; she looked amazed when I burst in to tears for her. I tried to tell her she was worth more than that. I argued she was young (25) and there was so much life to lead and someone out there who would unreservedly love her. We talked all night but she was absolutely and intractably resolute that she was going to marry this man.

To this day I regret the decision I made to drive home in the morning to gain a bit of distance, I just could not deal with the huge emotional train wreck I could see coming.

I left messages, wrote and called but she never contacted me after that night. She trans off the course and moved shortly after.

They always choose the bloke, even when they KNOW they are a total tool.

P.s I still think of her often and wonder, in hindsight, if it was an emotionaly abusive relationship.

conradmum

Person_one wrote: »

I think this is way too harsh.

Most of us care about, even love our friends, we want to see them happy.

I think its perfectly natural to be worried or a bit sad when you see your friend taking a path that you are concerned will lead to unhappiness for them. It doesn't mean you think you get to decide for them, but personally, I value my friends' advice and opinions. They know me better than anyone except my mum and they want me happy.

I really wish my friends or family had taken me to one side and talked to me about how my ex behaved. The only person who commented was someone I hardly knew, but who'd had a relationship with a similar type of person. Looking back, the signs were clear but I was extremely naive and trusting and had quite low self-esteem I think.

After I'd left him I was talking about the relationship with a lifelong friend and her partner, and I said if I ever suspected that a friend was being treated badly by their partner I'd come right out and tell them. Not long after that they started avoiding me. Yes, he was abusing her, quite badly, and didn't want me around to give her some perspective on the situation.

So I agree with you. I'd far rather have my friend's honest opinions on my partner than not. If you are good enough friends it needn't affect the friendship even if you disagree, as long as people are adult enough to be civil to one another.

Pupnik

There have been a couple of friends' partners that raised an eyebrow but only two which I felt were really wrong. One was a good girlfriend of mine who had been in a longtime relationship with a very controlling man, they fought and broke up several times including one time where he moved out into his bachelor pad for about 8 months and we all thought it was over. Imagine my surprise when I found out they then eloped together! I couldn't even bring myself to say 'congratulations'.

Another is a good male friend who was a late bloomer and got his first proper girlfriend last year. She comes across as a nice girl at first, but he has since admitted to me that he is really unhappy because she is very emotionally unstable, doesn't trust him with other women so won't let him stay friends with his female friends (including me) and threatens him with all kinds of emotional abuse, eg 'I will kill myself if we ever break up.' I told him what I thought but he didn't take my advice and I won't bring it up again, not that we are allowed to speak to each other anymore so it is unlikely I would get the chance to anyway.

System

My best mate saw it with my ex. But he never said anything cos he saw how happy i (thought i)was. I think my new bfhas his approval just for being nothing like my ex :rotfl:

My mum also has a knack for knowing when things aren't going to work out, but she never tells me, well not till after