Meeting my biological father: opinions wanted.

Ms_Chocaholic

Glad it went well Chris - good excuse and sticking with the SA lady provided excellent cover. Lets hope she's not on MSE and sees your story

Not sure if you saw my other post this morning re you may be able to get your dad's address from your grandmother's death certificate; just a thought if you didn't want to send the letter through the funeral directors

whitewing

I think it went very well, all things considered.

What were your impressions of your dad? Did he fit your mental picture of him? I'm just being nosy, so feel free not to answer if it is too personal.

marisco_2

I get the feeling from this post that today was incredibly difficult for you. I hope you are okay OP and that you will get the outcome you are hoping for, when your father recieves your letter.

meritaten

nicely done chris. and I hope you got a sense of WHO your grandmother was from the funeral. apparently well thought of and loved by the sounds of it.

barbiedoll

Chris....I'm glad it went ok for you and that you emerged seemingly unscathed from it.

You have a way to go forward now and a means of contacting your dad's side of the family.

As someone who was also abandoned by my father's side of the family after a divorce, I didn't have much sympathy with the posters who said about not upsetting your dad and his sisters during the funeral. And I don't think that just because your grandmother had loads of people at her funeral, means that she was a particularly good person, although obviously I don't know the full story, any more than you do, I guess.

I hope you find what you are looking for. It's hard to understand the actions of others sometimes and I've personally found it very hard to forgive my dad's behaviour, I've never contacted him, nor do I want to. But I do understand why you seek answers and I can see why you want to see your dad after all this time. Just remember, his faults as a father and husband are no reflection on you.

And do be prepared for his (your) family members to be wary of you, as you are suddenly contacting them after a funeral, they may think that you have your eye on any inheritance etc. You know what people can be like after a death in the family.

And try to speak to your mum and (step) dad if you can. I know it's hard and they may be hurt but you are an adult and you are entitled to know your origins. The longer you leave it, the harder it will hit them, so maybe warning them now will give them more time to get their head around the idea. You may even find that they are more supportive than you think. Good luck.

Chris_3003

Ms Chocaholic - Thanks for that idea, I'l give that a go.

whitewing - Writing this here will keep my memory fresh. My photo of him was from 1983, he has aged considerably, bald on top, short grey hair round the sides, glasses, taller than i imagined, and bigger framed than the photo suggested. Walks with the support of stick on his left side, shoed compassion by comforting ones of his sisters on the way into the service. No visible signs of tears/crying. smartly dressed, shoes polished. No family member gave a reading.

It's been a tough few days, I'm going to spend a bit of time thinking things through before I rewrite my letter. Thanks everyone.

DVardysShadow

Chris_3003 wrote: »

.... I just now have to rejig my letter to my father, which will be delivered to him via the funeral parlour. I also know where my two aunts will be every sunday morning, after receiving an invite to join them "anytime" from my new salvation army friend. I do also believe I overheard from the crowd that my father now lives in northampton, so will follow up on this.

Perhaps the SA is a more natural route for this now, rather than the letter via the funeral parlour?

meritaten

I would think very carefully before passing a letter on via the undertakers chris.
It may not even be opened - I can remember my mum taking months to look at the condolence cards and I dont think she has EVER read the list of who attended Dads funeral.
You have a far better point of contact with the Aunts you know. you know exactly where to find them and can speak to them in person.
But, I do think it would be better to wait a while before approaching them. of course that is up to you!
Whatever you decide then you really should let your mum know that you are making enquiries into Dads whereabouts.
The reason I said not to tell her about attending your grandmothers funeral was because if you had seen Dad and decided not to contact him - it would have caused upset for nothing. Now I think, she needs to know.
Good luck