Meeting my biological father: opinions wanted.

tifnstav

What if you go to the funeral and there is hardly anyone there? If its just your two aunts and X, your cover is bound to be blown.

As others have said, you might look strikingly like another family member and for me this would be the wrong time to do anything.

Can't you make contact with one of your aunts after the funeral instead?

escortg3

Perhaps an option would be to give a bereavement card to the funeral directors dealing with your nans funeral. Inside the card offer your condolences and perhaps a phone number and a little note.

The funeral director will pass the card onto the client arranging the funeral.

Emmzi

Seriously I am shocked at people saying you should go to the funeral.

What if your father is bereft? Do you really want his first memory of you to be your barging in to an occassion which is really nothing to do with you?

I would actually go to the Savation Army. They have experience in reuniting families.

They can act as intermediaries. They give great advice.

http://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/uki/familytracing

ms_london

wow, your experience is almost identical to mine. I "found" my dad via the internet about 8 years ago, and were in contact over the phone, but to this day we have never met - it has been arranged, but then I have just chickened out. It is a difficult situation and I do have a lot of anger towards him!

It sounds like you are curious to meet yours, although perhaps a funeral isn't the best time or place - perhaps you could set a card to him if you have his address saying that you saw the death announcement, that you were thinking of him and he could contact you?

I hope you get on ok xx

meritaten

It isnt just about your dad is it hun? its the funeral of a grandparent, a blood relative you never got the chance to know and never will.
its also a chance to see the family and observe them...........without the pressure of a 'formal' meeting.
so go - keep in the background and if asked your name it will probably be for the undertaker to inform the family who attended (that is what is sometimes done here). Up to you if you give your real name or make one up.
I think its unfair of people to say its all about you - I read your post as a feeling of missing out on that side of the 'family', so I can understand you wanting to pay your respects as well as scope out what kind of people they are.
but, you do what you feel is right at the time hun. our biggest regrets in life arent what we have done - but what we DIDNT do.

Chris_3003

Seeing my real father for the first time in 26 years at his mother's funeral is far from ideal. It probably couldn't be a worse situation.

But I'd dread to think how much time over the years I've spend thinking about him, what he looks like, what i've inherited and such. A chance to find out more has appeared, it's far from ideal, but I've got to find a way of making it work, for my own piece of mind, yet in the most unobtrusive way possible.

I appreciate the comments made highlighting both sides of the coin, thanks.

Ms_Chocaholic

I too would urge caution and maybe consider not going to the funeral. When my partner's grandmother died there were very very few people at the funeral (about 8 all told) and you would stick out like a sore thumb.

Personally I think it would be preferable to write a condolence card to your father and ask the funeral directors to pass this on.

Ms_Chocaholic

Just cross posted; rather than going to the funeral could you discreetly wait outside the entrance to the church to get a glimpse of your father (depends where it is of course), ours is next to a butchers so could conceivably do it.

Chris_3003

I'm familiar with the crematorium, there is a largish car park that will give me opportunity to assess numbers of people, etc. The memorial in the newspaper was "from X, MrsA, MrsB and their families", so I'm expecting to see some people there. I'd guess my father and two aunts will be in the funeral car which is a 15 minute drive from from funeral parlour to the crematorium, so spotting him shouldn't be a problem.

duchy

Having just come from a cremation this afternoon -there were other parties there -stragglers from the previous funeral -and some early for the next -so it is probably possible to observe without needing to introduce yourself. Perhaps go and observe -and then get the Salvation army to act as an intermediary later on ?