Meeting my biological father: opinions wanted.

Spirit_2

At funerals condolonce cards are often given to the undertakers/ushers to pass on to the bereaved.

Could you write a card, expressing your sorrow at at never having known your nan and include your contact details.

Even if your father does not take you up on this, an aunt might.

Good luck with your plan, and do not be taken aback if you find yourself emotional at the event.

Emmzi

so when you said "opinions please" and "am I doing the right thing", what you appear to have meant was "I am doing this anyway."

I find it's better to be honest at the start of the thread so people don't get irritated with you ignoring their views, having asked for them.

In which case, good luck. I truly hope for everyone concerned it does not turn into a drama. I hope you find whatever you are looking for.

cte1111

Even if it is a big funeral, then someone that no-one knows is likely to stand out. I've been to the funerals of 3 relatives in the last few years, all attended by 50+ people, however we have known between us who everyone was. After my Dad's funeral for example, I was asking my Mum who a bloke I didn't recognise was, she knew it was the son of a family friend who hadn't been able to attend themself (I'd not see him since he was about 10 so explains why I didn't recognise the well built 6 foot man).

The point I'm trying to make is that you will be noticed. TBH I don't think attending the funeral of someone you have no memories of is more important than giving that person's children the proper respect of being able to grieve without drama.

I understand that you want to see your biological father, but it doesn't give you the right to potentially ruin someone's funeral. She's not your Nan, she's the Mother of someone you don't know.

Chris_3003

Apologies if I have misled anyone, I thought it was clear from my first post that I was attending, without question. I'd given this a lot of thought, but wanted to hear the opinions of others to see if there was anything I hadn't considered. The result being I've spend the last 3 hours attempting to write an incredibly short note passing on my condolences, along with my mobile number at the bottom. This leaves me with the option that if I wish to make contact I can, by either handing to someone at the funeral, or dropping into the funeral parlour on the way home.

mountainofdebt

Chris_3003 wrote: »

Apologies if I have misled anyone, I thought it was clear from my first post that I was attending, without question. I'd given this a lot of thought, but wanted to hear the opinions of others to see if there was anything I hadn't considered. .

well have you thought about how your mum and step dad feel?

I'm not suggesting for one minute that you seek their permission but personally I think it would only a matter of politeness if you give them advance warning of you opening a potential can of worms.

bouncydog1

Have you also thought about how your dad might feel, particularly if he has other children who may not know anything about you?

Just because you assume he may have told them about you, he may just not ever have found the right time. You turning up at their gran's funeral could well cause a lot of preventable upset and could well prevent any further relationship with your father.

What went on between him and your mum happened many years ago and people's memories do become more vague over time as to exactly what happened.

Up to you - but please show a little compassion to the family who may not need this upset at this time.

Suggest it would be more appropriate to contact him via a third party which would give him time to prepare his family (even if they do know about you). I do know what I am talking about by the way - a friends long lost child did exactly what you are planning to do.

whitewing

Chris,

I hope whatever you decide to do today gives you some kind of peace and ultimately future happiness and an understanding of your identity.

It is such a shame that you have had to grow up without knowing your biological dad, and that you are having to think so hard about situations that have arisen through no fault of yours.

The very best of luck for today, whether you pay your respects in person or in thought.

And if it feels altogether overwhelming, don't forget you can talk to, or email or even visit the Samaritans :http://www.samaritans.org/our_services.aspx

Ms_Chocaholic

Just one more thought and hope I catch you before you leave. It appears your intention to attend the funeral is partly due to you perceiving that it may be the last opportunity for you to see your father as his whereabouts are unknown. Have you thought of popping down to the Registry Office to get a copy of your grandmother's death certificate; he may well have registered the death and his details will be on there. If he hasn't, another close relative will have and their details will be on there.

Chris_3003

Well it's over and it's done with.

I arrived 15 minutes early, quite a few people waiting outside, mixed ages, but a group of salvation army ladies stood out, I sat in my car for 10 minutes. Then a car parked alongside me, with another salvation army lady. I got out of my car the same time as her and struck up a conversation. I told a white lie that I was attending on behalf of my mother who couldn't make it today, but we used to be a former neighbour (got road name from 192.com), and that I vaguely remembered the deceased from when I was younger, but didn't know anyone else. She very kindly said "stick with me". We walked down to the door together talking, and I briefly spoke to the larger group of salvation army (of which my Grandmother was a part). Then the funeral car pulled up and out he got with his two sisters. I was just a face in the small crowd of 20-30 people, not seen or recognised by anyone. I sat with this lady near the back and sat through the ceremony. It just didn't feel right to make contact after the ceremony I made my excuses and left out of the back whilst everyone was moving out of the front exit into the garden area.

So job achieved, I can now put a face to a name, and although I didn't make contact, I'm not disappointed by this fact, I'm just happy a difficult situation went without issue.

I just now have to rejig my letter to my father, which will be delivered to him via the funeral parlour. I also know where my two aunts will be every sunday morning, after receiving an invite to join them "anytime" from my new salvation army friend. I do also believe I overheard from the crowd that my father now lives in northampton, so will follow up on this.

[Deleted User]

Expect nothing positive, then whatever (hopefully) positive outcome there is will be a bonus. I wish you well ...