Meeting my biological father: opinions wanted.

Emmzi

I would not go to the funeral. That runs the risk of making it about you, when it is a last farewell for people mourning someone who is probably much loved.

Let them say goodbye in peace; anything else is selfish. Find another way to make contact if you wish.

londonsurrey

I've known quite a few people who have lost parents, were adopted, etc, and there is this very strong need to just know your biological parents, even if you had the most wonderful life and absolutely love your adoptive parents. The exceptions are very rare.

If this looks like it might be your best chance, then go, or you will regret it for years after.

My advice would be to be prepared. Don't expect anything good. People have an amazing capacity to be wonderful, but equally they are capable of so much wrong and wretchedness, and you are not seeing them at a good time.

Have a couple of notes and contact cards handy, so if it is possible, leave them with the relative will accept them, and then the ball is in their court, and most importantly, you have tried, if that is what you want.

marisco_2

Personally I think it is risky to attend the funeral. X and that side of the family will be busy saying goodbye to a loved one. Emotions can run high and X may not be in the best frame of mind to want to speak with you. It may not be the optimum moment for you to come into their lives if you want to establish contact with them for the long haul.

If I were in your position OP I would write a letter to your dad, sending your condolences and expressing a desire to speak with him. In the letter give your address and a contact number and suggest that if he wishes to get to know you he may contact you when he feels ready to. Leave the letter with the person conducting the service.

Chris_3003

Thanks all for your replies. The funeral is Tuesday.

I lost my nan on my mum's side back in February, I know the pain that they will be going through. When my Nan died, I went through a photo album of hers and found a single surviving photo of 'X' (when he was 5 years older than I am now), there is no striking resemblance, similar eyes, but that's about it.

They will be grieving, I have no intention of causing a scene, or any drama of any kind. I also have no expectations of any outcome, if i'm rejected then I've lost nothing. If he wants contact, then I'l deal with that on my terms.

I've given this much though, I'd like to slip in late, sit near the back as possible, sit, watch, listen. I like the idea of coming prepared with a piece of paper with my contact details on, hadn't thought of that. That might be the best way of making contact in the least confrontational way?

If I don't do this, I will regret it.

whitewing

You may have mannerisms like your dad, or even like your mum which presumanly would be recognisible to them (but not necessarily friends of the family).

Anyway, you can't really rehearse for the event. You seem to have a sensible head on about it.

You may come crashing down after the event because of the adrenaline that will propel you there, and the fact that you can't currently share it with your mother. Is there someone you can tell, and who you can go and see after?

Also have a look at sevendayweekend's thread - she has just found her biomum (she was adopted) - and others have posted on hers.

Old_Joe

Just an aside . . .

When I've attended funerals recently there were, presumeably on behalf of the press, ladies asking my name and what my relationship was to the deseased, so you might need to be prepared for that eventuality.

VfM4meplse

Old_Joe wrote: »

Just an aside . . .

When I've attended funerals recently there were, presumeably on behalf of the press, ladies asking my name and what my relationship was to the deseased, so you might need to be prepared for that eventuality.

They're not the police, you don't have to answer their questions.

DVardysShadow

Chris_3003 wrote: »

.... They will be grieving, I have no intention of causing a scene, or any drama of any kind. I also have no expectations of any outcome, if i'm rejected then I've lost nothing. If he wants contact, then I'l deal with that on my terms.

I've given this much though, I'd like to slip in late, sit near the back as possible, sit, watch, listen. I like the idea of coming prepared with a piece of paper with my contact details on, hadn't thought of that. That might be the best way of making contact in the least confrontational way?

If I don't do this, I will regret it.

If you go, go for your nan you never knew and for no other reason. Don't go to make contact, go out of your way to avoid it.

If you are minded to make contact there are a million better places and ways.

ammonite

If you do go, I wouldn't try and speak to anyone. That would have been my worst nightmare at my G'dads funeral if someone had added that huge burden to us at a time when we were hugely under pressure.

However, slipping in and slipping out the back would be fine. I doubt anyone would ask who you were. Perhaps you could write a letter to the family and pass it to the undertakers who would then pass it to the family afterwards? That way you get to tell them how you feel without making a scene or adding pressure during the funeral. At least they would read the letter afterwards.

janey183

I was adopted at 4 years old. Cutting a long story short, I just turned up at my birth mothers door, giving her no option but to speak to me, in other words I bombarded her. Would not recommend it. A few years later I found my birth father and called him out of the blue, again he had no choice but to speak with me.
I would NEVER have turned up at a funeral, however I understand your desire to see/speak with him.
Dont make it about you, can you imagine all the emotions? I think passing a letter and maybe a photo to the undertaker would be an excellent idea.
btw, I hated my birth mother on the spot, my birth father was ok but I dont have any contact with either of them now. I know what they look like, I know thier side of the story. I dont need them in my life.