Meeting my biological father: opinions wanted.

Chris_3003

Hi all,

Bit of background first, the marriage of my mum and biological father (here-on referred to as 'X') broke down just over 26 years ago, when I was 18 months and my older sister was 3/4 years only. Mum won custody of us. When I was four, mum remarried (I accepted him quickly to become my 'dad'), a year or so later my little sister arrived. As my dad wanted us to become a family he sought to adopt me and my sister, we then took on his surname and lived as a normal family to this very day. Apparently 'X' didn't even bother turning up to the adoption hearing, plus i've never received cards or anything from that side of the family.

I've always been aware of my history, I've been told the reason for the marriage breakdown was due to 'X' getting into debt by gambling, and that the final straw was him emptying mine and my sisters piggybanks to fund this habit.

Over the recent years, out of curiousity I tried finding out more, from birth and christening certificates, I'd found names of grandparents and aunts. I found a previous address on 192.com. My family aren't comfortable talking about him, understandably it's almost impossible with my mum, several years ago, it came up in conversation with my Grandad that 'X' had changed his name due to a domestic dispute of some kind, but no idea to what.

Then two weeks ago I spot a death announcment in the local paper, it was my Nan that I never knew, placed by my two aunts and 'X'. I checked the online version of the announcement, and 'X' had posted a message under his new name. (Internet searching of this name provided no address).

I decided in an instant I was going to attend the funeral, I've got questions that need to be answered. My family are unaware of this, this would hurt them, but i'm sure in time they'd understand why i'm doing it.

I plan to stay in the background, not give away who I am, and most of all not cause a scene. What do I do if anyone asks me who I am and how I knew the deceased? I just want to blend in and go unnoticed, but how? I want to observe, maybe approach later on if I feel comfortable, this maybe my only chance to find out more.

Am I doing the right thing, so unsure?

whitewing

You may well bear a striking resemblance to your biological dad.

You may find they instinctively know who you are or can't deal with the emotion of the occasion and the enormity of you. I am not saying don't go, in fact I actually think you should, but don't have any expectations of anything and don't over analyse everything afterwards. Just pay your respects to your nan because it's likely she will have thought about you through the years.

The funeral may be a bonding moment, but the bonding itself may have to wait a few months or weeks.

McKneff

And please remember, there are always two sides to every story.

Hope everything works out for you.

VfM4meplse

What a modern dilemma

Chris_3003 wrote: »

I decided in an instant I was going to attend the funeral, I've got questions that need to be answered. My family are unaware of this, this would hurt them, but i'm sure in time they'd understand why i'm doing it.

I plan to stay in the background, not give away who I am, and most of all not cause a scene. What do I do if anyone asks me who I am and how I knew the deceased? I just want to blend in and go unnoticed, but how? I want to observe, maybe approach later on if I feel comfortable, this maybe my only chance to find out more.

Am I doing the right thing, so unsure?

You're doing this because you are curious. Be completely honest with yourself about your intention and remember there is a tiime and place for everything. What do you actually want from X? How are you going to react when you see members of your biological family? When the realisation hits that you'll never know your biological grandmother? What will be your next steps from there?

I wouldn't be bothered about being asked any qs by other mourners - funeral services are not social occasions. Nor is it the place for a sideshow. You may need to demonstrate a great deal of self-control, and have a plan that doesn't add to anyone's suffering. If you can't do that, give the funeral a miss.

scottishchick27

I'd say not to go but if you want to contact your father do so at another time. whatever he has done in the past the man has just lost his mother and you turning up out of the blue at her funeral will be the last thing he needs. As another poster has said you may look a lot like your dad and everyone may know who you are. Let your grandmother have her final farewell without any scenes.

cte1111

It kind of reads like a storyline from a soap opera. This tends to make me feel that it isn't a great idea. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to meet your biological father and other relatives, but doing as at a funeral isn't good timing.

meritaten

People do not normally ask what others are doing at a funeral.
But, if there IS a strong family resemblance you may be approached and asked your name - be prepared for that.
However, you may well go un-noticed, the family are grieving and may not be aware of other people.
It is your relatives' funeral and I think you have a right to attend. just be discreet and be prepared with your answers.
I can understand your curiosity hun and I would probably go if I was in your shoes.
Good luck and do let us know how it goes.
and for gawds sake do NOT tell MUM! she doesnt need to know at this time!

GobbledyGook

If you really want to just go along, but not be noticed then I'd wait in the car until everyone else was in the church/wherever and just slip into the back at the last minute. At the end I'd slip out as the doors were being opened.

I can totally understand you thinking that you'd want to go. I went to my estranged paternal grandmother's funeral and done what I suggested above. No-one spotted me, no-one spoke to me and there was no chance for awkward questions or uncomfortable moments. I didn't go on to the cemetery as that would have been more difficult to avoid speaking to/coming face-to-face with someone.

barbiedoll

I don't want to rain on your parade but please don't expect anything to come from this. As you said yourself, you have had no contact from anyone from your father's side of the family since you were a small child. Including your grandmother who quite possibly hasn't given you a moment's thought during all these years. (Although I could be wrong, obviously.)

Are you hoping to have some sort of relationship with your biological father now? Be prepared for rejection and/or complete indifference, although he may be overjoyed to have you back in his life, I wouldn't bet on it.

I know I sound completely downbeat about this and I really do hope that you find the answers that you've been looking for.
I don't envy you having to tell your mum though!

ognum

I can understand why you want to attend, you have lost part of your biological family and you have now lost someone you never new, your grandmother.

Attending a funeral is part of the mourning process and that is what you are doing, grieving for the loss of relationships you never had, it is totally natural to be curious, it is no different than watching a reality TV show!

You are taking the opportunity to see your lost family en mass, and without them being aware of you you want the opportunity to decide if they are people you want to get to know or not.

I would go, don't hide, don't creep in, if anyone asks who you are, which is very unlikely just be truthful. You have a need to be at the funeral of your grandmother. Just do it.

miamoo

I haven't read all the replies, but just had to post as this is very similar to what happened to me.
Mum and dad split when I was 4. Mum re-married and never saw/heard from my dad (was told me suffered a breakdown and became violent).
Mum made it very clear getting in touch with him wasn't an option.
For some reason when I was 35 I got an urge to find him (looked on 192, and found his address and phone number)
I posted on a mystery shopping group, I was really good friends with some of the members, asking if I should make contact, and most thought I should.
One of the group members actually offered to ring him on my behalf to break the ice, and see how he felt about getting in touch.
To cut a very long story short, my mum went mad when she found out but eventually calmed down and is happy for me, my dad is lovely and we are very close now. It was the best decision, and I wish I hadnt waited all those years.