how long is reasonable?

FatVonD

cocopops21 wrote: »

This is so illegal on so many levels. There are honest people (like me for example) trying to stay with our genuine husbands and wives and doing everything properly while you stay in a fake marriage to move his visa process along (even if it may have been genuine to begin with). You're supposed to inform the UKBA when your marriage breaks down and they curtail the visa of the non UK spouse. People like you make it harder for genuine couples like me and my dh. Oh and the contribution thing doesn't fly. Most British people contribute through working no matter what you may believe.

I don't give a stuff what you think

masonsmum

I met my now partner 4 months after I separated from my ex husband, however our marriage had been over for years before that and we had just plodded along for the sake of our son.

I know very early on in my new relationship that my new partner was "the one" and I have never been happier so I filed for divorce but my ex made issues and refused to sign, will not pay for our son threatens joint access rights when I go to the CSA, basically just tries his hardest to make our lives miserable.

But my OH and I are strong, we laugh it off, we discuss it and finally my divorce is signed and I am just waiting on my decree coming through, I think if you know the relationship you are in is meant to be, why not get divorced and move on, nothing to hold onto.

cocopops21

FatVonD wrote: »

I don't give a stuff what you think

I'm sure you'd care if you got reported and got done for fraud with the UKBA and the person you've 'helped' out gets deported and your life is thrown upside down while you ponder it all in jail.

FatVonD

cocopops21 wrote: »

I'm sure you'd care if you got reported and got done for fraud with the UKBA and the person you've 'helped' out gets deported and your life is thrown upside down while you ponder it all in jail.

Never gonna happen, he had every right to live here on account of our son anyway, not getting divorced just made things less complicated. I could have said that in my post this morning but didn't because I don't actually care whether anyone else approves or not or feel the need to justify my actions.

Any old how, good luck with your case anyway.

cocopops21

FatVonD wrote: »

Never gonna happen, he had every right to live here on account of our son anyway, not getting divorced just made things less complicated. I could have said that in my post this morning but didn't because I don't actually care whether anyone else approves or not or feel the need to justify my actions.

Any old how, good luck with your case anyway.

There is no such law that allows people to stay in the UK just because they have children with someone (unless he was on the access to child visa but that's not for married people). I'm not asking you to justify what you did. I know it was illegal and the UKBA would agree.

I've got nothing to worry about as I'm doing everything the correct way and my only intention is to not be separated from my husband. If it was more financially viable to move else where, I'd have no problem doing that. It's the person not the place.

No offence but your ignorant post towards immigration law just makes me really p*ssed off. Just because you think he has the right to stay because of having a child with you, doesn't mean that's the case.

FatVonD

cocopops21 wrote: »

No offence but your ignorant post towards immigration law just makes me really p*ssed off.

Ah well, not much I can do about that and, like I said, I'm not interested in getting into an argument or justifying myself but good luck with your case anyway.

BJV

I don't think that you have to be married to be committed to each other. My husband and I only got married because we wanted out children to have duel nationalities. We have been together for over 20 years but only married for 10. He is French and wanted his children to be French, I am British and so etc. Duel nationalities was the perfect solution.

I do think though that even if he does not want to get re-married he should still get a divorce as soon as possible even if it is to bring his ex back down to earth. After all it does not matter that she does not believe in divorce or not the bottom line is that there is no relationship there.

But the married thing for me personally would not be a big thing it does not mean that he is any less committed to you.

System

I think you know if 'he/she' is the one. If the love and the commitment is there what is a peice of paper and a ceremony?

I grew up being told that you 'must' be married before you had children or you would be frowned on. It was important to me to get married before i had my kids because of this. Pretty old fashioned values really but i'm a lot more liberal minded now.

I must admit, it is nice being a 'Mrs' to the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.:)

mollieddee

Someone I know was in a relationship for 9 years and her OH was no further forward in divorcing the ex after all that time. It was excuse after excuse with him. Every so often it would come to a head with her (the person I knew) throwing a hissy fit and would end up crying and upsetting herself. As far as im concerned if it gets as bad as that then it may be time to call it quits. The thing is he, apparently, had put quite a bit of money towards her mortgage and thought that that was commitment enough. He does have a house with ex but they are no further forward in selling it to make a clean break and get the ball rolling so to speak. Personally, I doubt it will ever happen

sharrison778

If he is committed to you, why isn't he pushing to get that divorce? He doesnt view it as a big deal. I disagree. When I ask why he is so apathetic, he denies that he is, but actions speak louder than words.

Have you given him examples of being apathetic e.g. "it took you 4 weeks to answer that solicitor's letter, you could have done it the day after you received it" etc?

You: "you're apathetic"
Him: "no, I'm not"
isn't going to get you very far.

My previous answer probably wasnt worded well. I dont ask him why he is apathetic, I ask him to tell me why he doesnt push the process along. TBH I've never received a good answer.


Why is he 'super keen' to avoid going to court? Money. Legal costs. Things turning acrimonious with the ex and him having less access to the kids.

Have they been through Mediation?
From what you've said (other than his wife not believing in divorce) things seem to be OK between them.
Why would it turn acrimoneous?
Why would she reduce access?

His wife has some mental health issues, primarily depression. There was a period a few months ago where she would ring, screaming and crying, about a dozen times a day. She's also switch off her mobile phone so he couldnt contact the kids. To her credit, she recognised that she was slipping into a past pattern and sought treatment. She's now on medication and its helped a lot but I think the fear is that she'll go back to her past ways.

What is it that he feels guilty about? I think he feels guilty that his kids will have divorced parents.

Really?
So he thinks his kids will be happier that he is still married to their Mum but living in a different city with another woman but would be distressed if they get divorced?

I never said it was logical. :mad:


Does he financially support his children? Yes, always.
:T
Is his wife happy with the level of financial support he gives?
Will his and his wife's financial circumstances change significantly if they divorce?

She is.

Arguably her financial situation will improve, post divorce. His settlement offer to her would give her the house (worth over $1 mil but with a small mortgage) plus the car worth $50k and child support of over $5k a month.

Purely speculating here, but I think she likes the security of knowing that he's there, financially - if that makes sense. Post divorce she would be very well off financially but also on her own.



Does he see them regularly? I know you said you live in a different city to his wife (and presumably his kids). He doesnt have regular times to be looking after them, the nature of his work (and living in another city) doesnt allow it. But he does seem them quite often and happily, to date, his wife has never tried to deny him access.

Does he have any reason to think things will change if/when they are divorced? (Mortgage, house etc)

Not that I am aware of.

Does this guy have any idea that you feel so strongly? We've spoken about it a lot. I've never actually said to him 'if you dont get a divorce then I will leave you' but he knows how deeply it bothers me.

Then he doesn't care about you as deeply as you care about him.

Part of the problem is probably that I dont want to nag him about it. I raise the issue and then give him time to show me he is serious. Most times there will be some progress for a week or two then his work gets busy and it starts to slide and then the whole cycle repeats again. I'm just getting heartily sick of the cycle and the super slow nature of progress.

I tend to agree with Errata about his priorities - you come quite a way down the list.
Only you can know if this man is worth it and only you can know when you've had enough of waiting.