how long is reasonable?

Pollycat

Some previously asked questions:

Pollycat wrote: »

If he is committed to you, why isn't he pushing to get that divorce? For me, laziness wouldn't be a good enough reason.

What doesn't he understand?

Why is he 'super keen' to avoid going to court?

What is it that he feels guilty about?
Does he financially support his children?
Does he see them regularly? I know you said you live in a different city to his wife (and presumably his kids).

I would say that if you have talked to him about this and he's still not pushing to get divorced, he either doesn't understand exactly how important it is to you or he doesn't care that it's so important to you.

sharrison778 wrote: »

I dont like the idea of ultimatums but I'm at the point of wondering how much longer I give him.

I don't like ultimatums either but does this guy have any idea that you feel so strongly?

sharrison778

catch_me_if_you_can wrote: »

I can empathise with you, OP. I'm in the same situation, waiting for him to get his divorce sorted. It's bloody difficult, I hate him being legally attached to someone else but he is incredibly lazy.
He finally told his ex last month that their house must be sold but then has done !!!!!! all to sell it. She can't afford to buy him out, either. The garden needs tidying up before it can go on the market and of course we've had almost non-stop rain since he told her that, so that is delaying things further :mad:

I keep having the thought that he just really doesn't want to get divorced at all which is very hurtful. I can't see that it would help to give an ultimatum "get divorced by this date or we're finished" as in my mind he should want to do it without being forced to... But am very close to it.

my house is in my name only so I'm not worried about that - its the emotional hurt that is going to kill the relationship I think.:(

Thank god someone else gets it. I want him to do it because its the right and respectful thing to do.


My boyfriend has never been good at managing his personal life. Professionally he's a genius but when it comes to personal matters, he buries his head in the sand and hopes when he re-emerges it will all miraculously be sorted.

Dont get me wrong, I love him dearly, I'm just aware of his faults!

I think in his mind his former relationship is so over that divorce is almost just a formality. Maybe your partner is the same?

The problem is if you dont want to use an ultimatum, then what else is there?

sharrison778

If he is committed to you, why isn't he pushing to get that divorce? He doesnt view it as a big deal. I disagree. When I ask why he is so apathetic, he denies that he is, but actions speak louder than words.

Why is he 'super keen' to avoid going to court? Money. Legal costs. Things turning acrimonious with the ex and him having less access to the kids.

What is it that he feels guilty about? I think he feels guilty that his kids will have divorced parents.

Does he financially support his children? Yes, always.

Does he see them regularly? I know you said you live in a different city to his wife (and presumably his kids). He doesnt have regular times to be looking after them, the nature of his work (and living in another city) doesnt allow it. But he does seem them quite often and happily, to date, his wife has never tried to deny him access.

Does this guy have any idea that you feel so strongly? We've spoken about it a lot. I've never actually said to him 'if you dont get a divorce then I will leave you' but he knows how deeply it bothers me.

Part of the problem is probably that I dont want to nag him about it. I raise the issue and then give him time to show me he is serious. Most times there will be some progress for a week or two then his work gets busy and it starts to slide and then the whole cycle repeats again. I'm just getting heartily sick of the cycle and the super slow nature of progress.

Pollycat

sharrison778 wrote: »

Thank god someone else gets it.

That's because catch me if you can is in exactly the same position as you are and so can empathise.

The rest of us have just commented on what they did/would do about seeing someone who is still married but separated or asked questions about why your partner is letting things drag out.

Errata

He sees his children, but never actually looks after them. He knows you want him to divorce, because you've discussed it frequently and made your feelings clear, but does nothing about it.
Don't these two things tell you a lot about how he prioritises the needs of the other people in his life whom he professes to care deeply about?

sharrison778

Errata wrote: »

He sees his children, but never actually looks after them.

Thats a bit harsh Errata.

We're not wealthy enough to rent a house or apartment in both the city we live and the city the kids live in, so its a little hard for him to 'look after' them from a hotel room.

sharrison778

Pollycat wrote: »

That's because catch me if you can is in exactly the same position as you are and so can empathise.

The rest of us have just commented on what they did/would do about seeing someone who is still married but separated or asked questions about why your partner is letting things drag out.

Actually my full comment was 'Thank god someone else gets it. I want him to do it because its the right and respectful thing to do. '

I was agreeing with catch me if you can's comment 'as in my mind he should want to do it without being forced to...'

Pollycat

sharrison778 wrote: »

If he is committed to you, why isn't he pushing to get that divorce? He doesnt view it as a big deal. I disagree. When I ask why he is so apathetic, he denies that he is, but actions speak louder than words.

Have you given him examples of being apathetic e.g. "it took you 4 weeks to answer that solicitor's letter, you could have done it the day after you received it" etc?

You: "you're apathetic"
Him: "no, I'm not"
isn't going to get you very far.

Why is he 'super keen' to avoid going to court? Money. Legal costs. Things turning acrimonious with the ex and him having less access to the kids.

Have they been through Mediation?
From what you've said (other than his wife not believing in divorce) things seem to be OK between them.
Why would it turn acrimoneous?
Why would she reduce access?

What is it that he feels guilty about? I think he feels guilty that his kids will have divorced parents.

Really?
So he thinks his kids will be happier that he is still married to their Mum but living in a different city with another woman but would be distressed if they get divorced?

Does he financially support his children? Yes, always.
:T
Is his wife happy with the level of financial support he gives?
Will his and his wife's financial circumstances change significantly if they divorce?

Does he see them regularly? I know you said you live in a different city to his wife (and presumably his kids). He doesnt have regular times to be looking after them, the nature of his work (and living in another city) doesnt allow it. But he does seem them quite often and happily, to date, his wife has never tried to deny him access.

Does he have any reason to think things will change if/when they are divorced? (Mortgage, house etc)


Does this guy have any idea that you feel so strongly? We've spoken about it a lot. I've never actually said to him 'if you dont get a divorce then I will leave you' but he knows how deeply it bothers me.

Then he doesn't care about you as deeply as you care about him.

Part of the problem is probably that I dont want to nag him about it. I raise the issue and then give him time to show me he is serious. Most times there will be some progress for a week or two then his work gets busy and it starts to slide and then the whole cycle repeats again. I'm just getting heartily sick of the cycle and the super slow nature of progress.

I tend to agree with Errata about his priorities - you come quite a way down the list.
Only you can know if this man is worth it and only you can know when you've had enough of waiting.

My comments in red.

cocopops21

FatVonD wrote: »

I was married to my ex husband for about 5 years after we split up, not because there was any attachment but so he could apply for a British passport (before anybody jumps on me he's worked and paid tax and NI from the day he arrived in the UK, far more than many who were born here.) Once he'd done that it dragged on for about another year until I met my now husband and wanted to get remarried. Even then it would have probably dragged on a bit longer had I not recently moved next door to a solicitor that specialised in family law who did it all for me.

This is so illegal on so many levels. There are honest people (like me for example) trying to stay with our genuine husbands and wives and doing everything properly while you stay in a fake marriage to move his visa process along (even if it may have been genuine to begin with). You're supposed to inform the UKBA when your marriage breaks down and they curtail the visa of the non UK spouse. People like you make it harder for genuine couples like me and my dh. Oh and the contribution thing doesn't fly. Most British people contribute through working no matter what you may believe.

benb76

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You only get one life, if I split up from my wife, no way would I wait till I was completely divorced to go out with women, that seems silly and if a relationship came from that, then it does.

Why should I put my life on hold just because my wife is dragging her heels over a divorce. Seems a bit daft.

Abso-flipping-lutely! When my ex wife left me there was no way I was going to put my love life on hold just because of a legal technicality! If I had then it would have been like she was continuing to run my life and ruin my enjoyment of life until the decree absolute came through. I started dating and having casual relationships about 3 months after the split, it was however a nice coincidence that the absolute came through after about a year at the same time that I'd started a new long term relationship.

Personally, I think kids are a much greater tie than then fact that a couple are still technically married.