how long is reasonable?

JustinCredibleGillespie

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You need to recognise something else - you are making it easy for him and he is taking you for granted.

The crude expression "why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" springs to mind. By lacking the committment to pursue the divorce, he is being disrespectful to you.

I understand that it is difficult to rock the boat when it feels that you're in a great relationship, but if you learn to value yourself and he'll have no choice but to do the same.

I have to say I totally agree with this. I got divorced at my earliest opportunity out of respect for my new partner.

Errata

Bluntly, it would be none of my damn business. If someone is happy to shack up with someone who is still married, whinging about the fact later in the relationship is nothing more than buyer's remorse.

browneyedbazzi

I had to wait quite a long time (three years) to divorce my ex and by the time it was all sorted out I'd been with my current partner for about a year and a half. I wasn't harbouring any feelings for my ex and it was very clear that we would never reconcile. In the three years I had no contact with him except when it came to filing the divorce papers (ex was a bit on the controlling side and would only agree to a divorce if it was him petitioning and he would only submit the forms if I went with him). I did it all on his terms to avoid all the hassle, expense etc of dragging it through the courts...it meant a long time of still being tied to him in one way, but I had well and truly moved on long before the paperwork was complete.

Before meeting my current partner I did go out (very briefly) with one bloke who was put off because I was still technically married but he was the only person I saw who minded at all.

Pollycat

sharrison778 wrote: »

Different reasons on different sides.

His wife doesnt 'believe' in divorce so whilst she cant stop the process, she can and does drag it out. Having not had much to do with her, I cant really say much more about her reasoning. She refuses to go see a lawyer or look over any paperwork that gets sent to her - and my boyfriend is super keen to avoid things going to Court, which ends up meaning nothing actually happens at all.

As for my boyfriend, its probably a mix of laziness, a lack of understanding and guilt re his kids. When I talk to him about it, his response is that we live together, we have a life together, there are so many things that show we are a couple and that he views his future with me, so the divorce shouldnt be a big deal.

Whereas my view is that he valued marriage enough to go into it, he understands the social and emotional significance of it and therefore as a sign of respect to both his wife and to me, he should make the effort to get out of it.

Thanks for the explanation.

There's nothing you can do about his ex-wife-to-be's procrastinations so if you want the relationship to continue, you'll have to live with that.

He, however, is different.
If he is committed to you, why isn't he pushing to get that divorce? For me, laziness wouldn't be a good enough reason.

What doesn't he understand?

Why is he 'super keen' to avoid going to court?
Is it just a financial thing?
What is it that he feels guilty about?
Does he financially support his children?
Does he see them regularly? I know you said you live in a different city to his wife (and presumably his kids).

It's obviously a big thing for you, does he really, really understand how you feel about it?
If not, you should sit him down and tell him.

Where do you stand legally if something happens to him?
Who would be seen as next-of-kin?

paddy's_mum

Pollycat wrote: »

Why is he 'super keen' to avoid going to court?


Where do you stand legally if something happens to him?
Who would be seen as next-of-kin?

Three extremely pertinent questions there, OP!

You really need to know the answers because they seem to me to be gateways to misery in the future if not dealt with sooner rather than later.

SandC

For me I would want them to be divorced if I was going to consider living with them.

But many people do remain legally married for many years due to apathy on both sides.

I would have to play it by ear if i met someone separated. I have been what I call the 'rebound' woman on a couple of occasions. That is, they are not long out of a marriage or serious relationship and convinced they are over them and happy to be seeing other people. In reality that first person (if they haven't waited a suitable time - which I would say a year ideally) often becomes the one who gets them back into the game and are all too quickly dumped in favour of someone else somewhere down the line. That is what I am wary of, although I can understand why people want to see that a marriage has been legally ended to draw a line under it.

If you are already living together then a commitment has already been made to you but to be honest it seems a bit late to be having a problem with it now when you didn't appear to before making that big step.

Seanymph

When I was seperated and going through divorce I didn't date anyone until after the decree absolute. I was married until that point, it didn't seem right. It was also a time where someone else had control of issues in my life, and it didn't seem right to involve anyone else in them.

I did however go out on a date the DAY it was awarded (well it had been a long wait!).

I hadn't realised it would bother me the other way around until I was living with someone married - he was admitted to hospital and it was a fairly fraught time. His wife, who he hadn't lived with for two years could get information about his condition, was phoned by the hospital as his 'next of kin' - and I could barely get visiting rights on the ward.

As soon as he came out I told him he either got divorced or moved out - after that relationship failed I would never again date someone who wasn't totally free.

The other benefit of course is that YOUR household then ends up paying for his damned legal fees! I practically paid for his divorce (which she dragged out) - at least if he'd done it before we lived together he'd have ended up paying it himself!

I totally understand why you are asking, In your shoes I would push VERY hard to get it finalised and out of the way.

If he is in hospital you have no say - and she does. If he dies she can organise a funeral and tell you nothing - if he has no will she inherits still as far as I know.

Living with another woman's husband is not a good situation to be in.

peachyprice

Emmzi wrote: »

it is very simple. If they both want to be divorced, one of them fills in an files forms, and the other signs them.

If that simple thing is not happening then one or the other still wants to be married on some level. And that's not a relationship I want to be involved in.

That's not necessarily true at all.

I split from my ex, he moved out but we didn't get divorced. We only got divorced when he wanted to re-marry, which was about 7 years later.

I can assure you there were absolutely no emotional ties whatsoever. We didn't get around to getting divorced purely because there was no emotion there, there was no anger, no animosity, no need for revenge, no need to drag each other through a dviorce, no nothing, so no need to rush to line lawyers pockets.

As soon as he said he needed to divorce it was all done and dusted within 6 months and he had a lovely wedding to his new wife.

Caroline_a

I think the question 'what if something happens to him' is important. Slightly different circumstances, but I heard of someone who was living with a girl, they'd been together for about 12 years, she had a baby and he dropped dead with a heart attack.

The house that he had bought in his name purely for financial reasons at the time was grabbed by his money-grabbing family, as was all his savings, and his poor partner was left with nothing.

His wife will be his next of kin until he's divorced...

Dawning

Caroline_a makes a great point.This could be a very complicated situation and you're in the weakest position here. You also need to be aware of what a court could rule about his assets when/if he ever does get divorced. He may have saved up money while he's been with you, and some of that could be seen to be joint assets with his wife, because they are still married. She could be getting into huge debt in joint names, he will be partly liable for that too....

I'm curious to know how it got to this point. I wouldn't have got into a situation where I was living with someone who was married to someone else in the first place so I'm wondering what he was telling you when you first met him.
Did he tell you he was married right from the start? And when you moved in together what did he say about getting a divorce? Was he intending to do it then and just never got round to it?

I'm with the "why buy the cow camp". He's got no real motivation to get a divorce has he? Oh and he also knows that you can't push him for marriage (if that's what you want down the line) while he's still married.