how long is reasonable?

sharrison778

Just interested in hearing people's views on when someone is seperated (but still married) and starts a relationship with someone new - if you were the new partner, how long would you wait for your boyfriend/girlfriend to sort out a divorce with their ex?

(putting aside that obviously it would be ideal if they were divorced before starting a new relationship. and assuming there was no cheating involved).

thorsoak

Personally, I would never, ever start a relationship with anyone who was not completely free of a previous relationship - so that question would not arise.

If a divorce still had to be "sorted out" then the people concerned are still tied, each to t'other and neither is free.

HappyMJ

sharrison778 wrote: »

Just interested in hearing people's views on when someone is seperated (but still married) and starts a relationship with someone new - if you were the new partner, how long would you wait for your boyfriend/girlfriend to sort out a divorce with their ex?

(putting aside that obviously it would be ideal if they were divorced before starting a new relationship. and assuming there was no cheating involved).

It takes over 2 years to sort out a divorce if both parties are not in full agreement over the details so you could be in for a long wait.

Emmzi

I've been with "person getting a divorce." Never again. Totally free, or leave me alone!

sharrison778

Legally tied yes. Not always emotionally.

I'm asking because my partner is still married, obviously. We live together, in a different city to his wife and on a day to day basis, she has no impact on our lives. Most of his friends, colleagues etc know me, not her. Before anyone suggests it, there's absolutely no way that he has an ongoing relationship with the ex. She knows about our relationship. If he got divorced tomorrow, I'm not sure it would make any noticeable difference to our lives.

But it still really bugs me that he's legally married and the pace of the divorce has not been quick.

Hence the question....

Emmzi

it is very simple. If they both want to be divorced, one of them fills in an files forms, and the other signs them.

If that simple thing is not happening then one or the other still wants to be married on some level. And that's not a relationship I want to be involved in.

Pollycat

What is the hold-up in the divorce?

Is it some legal reason or is he or she just a bit dilatory about it all?

sharrison778

Pollycat wrote: »

What is the hold-up in the divorce?

Is it some legal reason or is he or she just a bit dilatory about it all?

Different reasons on different sides.

His wife doesnt 'believe' in divorce so whilst she cant stop the process, she can and does drag it out. Having not had much to do with her, I cant really say much more about her reasoning. She refuses to go see a lawyer or look over any paperwork that gets sent to her - and my boyfriend is super keen to avoid things going to Court, which ends up meaning nothing actually happens at all.

As for my boyfriend, its probably a mix of laziness, a lack of understanding and guilt re his kids. When I talk to him about it, his response is that we live together, we have a life together, there are so many things that show we are a couple and that he views his future with me, so the divorce shouldnt be a big deal.

Whereas my view is that he valued marriage enough to go into it, he understands the social and emotional significance of it and therefore as a sign of respect to both his wife and to me, he should make the effort to get out of it.

JustinCredibleGillespie

I had to wait 2 years to divorce my ex. We had to be living separately for 2 years for the judge to even look at it (Although this may only apply in NI).

I went to my solicitor in May 2011 and I was divorced in June before the courts closed for the summer, I rec'd my decree absolute in September.

It's the best feeling in the world when its completely over and there's no more ties whatsoever, I was free to move on with my new partner.

JCG

xx

POPPYOSCAR

sharrison778 wrote: »

Different reasons on different sides.

His wife doesnt 'believe' in divorce so whilst she cant stop the process, she can and does drag it out. Having not had much to do with her, I cant really say much more about her reasoning. She refuses to go see a lawyer or look over any paperwork that gets sent to her - and my boyfriend is super keen to avoid things going to Court, which ends up meaning nothing actually happens at all.

As for my boyfriend, its probably a mix of laziness, a lack of understanding and guilt re his kids. When I talk to him about it, his response is that we live together, we have a life together, there are so many things that show we are a couple and that he views his future with me, so the divorce shouldnt be a big deal.

Whereas my view is that he valued marriage enough to go into it, he understands the social and emotional significance of it and therefore as a sign of respect to both his wife and to me, he should make the effort to get out of it.

I would not be happy to be in a relationship where my partner was legally tied to someone else.

However, if he refuses point blank to get a divorce what can you do other than threaten to end your relationship?

VfM4meplse

sharrison778 wrote: »

As for my boyfriend, its probably a mix of laziness, a lack of understanding and guilt re his kids. When I talk to him about it, his response is that we live together, we have a life together, there are so many things that show we are a couple and that he views his future with me, so the divorce shouldnt be a big deal.

You need to recognise something else - you are making it easy for him and he is taking you for granted.

The crude expression "why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" springs to mind. By lacking the committment to pursue the divorce, he is being disrespectful to you.

I understand that it is difficult to rock the boat when it feels that you're in a great relationship, but if you learn to value yourself and he'll have no choice but to do the same.