School Party invite - how do I deal with this?

fsdss

a few months ago my ds was invited to a birthday party (whole class). and a few days before, i found out via the birthday child's mum that X was to be excluded from the invites during a playground conversation. on questioning the mum why, she exclaimed that X had head lice and basically that she comes from a poor family and was always roughly dressed.

i was so angry at the time i told the mum that this was bullying to an extreme and that my ds would not be attending on these grounds. surprisingly three other parents nearby followed suit and told mum that they were not attending either.

sparkles.

Some of the replies to this thread have made me so angry, not the posters but the tales they have relayed.

My son has tried to exclude children from things because he doesn't like them or described incidents where children have been left out. He has a slight excuse what with him having been eight or younger, but I have always made him think about how he would feel in that position or, when it comes to invitations or such like, if he wants to invite some then he invites them all (assuming an event like a Bday party) or no one at all. He goes to a holiday club where they are allowed to take PSPs, Gameboys etc. and him and another boy stopped sharing with another because he 'annoyed' (turned out he didn't bring in games they liked) them - it was simple really - he was told that unless when I asked the carers told me that he shared his PSP with said annoying boy he wouldn't be allowed to take it in for the rest of the week, which would have probably excluded him from the others based on the same rules :rolleyes: . Funnily enough he shared and had a new friend by the end of the day.

Sometimes children are too young to know better than to exclude people who don't fit the norm, as parents it's our duty to teach them better.....

sticher

Aw how sad for you and your LO. It reminds me of the time my son, then aged 4 was handed an invitation after being told for days he was going to his friends party. When I looked at the invite it had someone elses name on it. I handed it to the mother concerned and explained, and she just took it and never said a word.

I felt so sorry for my son but as has been said, the children get over it much quicker than the adults. Children so young rarely talk of the parties, so I would just not mention it again to your son now. Unfortunately, this type of thing is quite common throughout school life, and it doesn't matter what age they are it still cuts you to the quick. You just have to get on with it as there are some thoughtless people around.

Saying your son can go if someone else cancels is adding insult to injury if you ask me and I wouldn't accept either.

chergar

AAAwwww Rio my heart really goes out to your son. (As an aside very MSE drawing a picture by the way )

I agree with above poster saying your son can go if someone pulls out is worse cause then its like he is second best - not just an oversight.

TBH although I would feel like some sort of "get-even" I think it would be best to rise above it and if your son does have a party in the future then still invite this boy (or if you can afford it the whole class) as it shows you are bigger than that stupid mother.

I hope you and your son have a lovely day at the garden centre.

Snaggles

I've just typed a post but then it disappeared so if it reappears, sorry for repeating myself lol.

I just wanted to say how much this thread has helped me, and how much I admire the way you have handled the situation.

I've just taken my son to school and had to watch while another lad gave out party invitations to people all around my son, and then came right up to his face and said (quite aggressively) 'I haven't got one for YOU'. My DS is only 6 and I'm quite shocked at the cruelty of this other little lad. I keep seeing my sons hurt little face in my head, and bursting into tears, I just want to protect him from horrible things like this.

Anyway, this thread has given me some good advice about how to handle the situation, so thanks to everyone.

fsdss

Snaggles wrote: »

I've just taken my son to school and had to watch while another lad gave out party invitations to people all around my son, and then came right up to his face and said (quite aggressively) 'I haven't got one for YOU'. My DS is only 6 and I'm quite shocked at the cruelty of this other little lad. I keep seeing my sons hurt little face in my head, and bursting into tears, I just want to protect him from horrible things like this.

Anyway, this thread has given me some good advice about how to handle the situation, so thanks to everyone.

that is cruel and makes me angry - look on the positives on how your family values others and take into consideration feelings of others. your son will mature into a well grounded individual who treats everyone fairly without prejudice's, and much worthier of another child (with parental influence).
he will learn to rise above it and blossom (if that makes sense)

needmoney

Snaggles wrote: »

I've just typed a post but then it disappeared so if it reappears, sorry for repeating myself lol.

I just wanted to say how much this thread has helped me, and how much I admire the way you have handled the situation.

I've just taken my son to school and had to watch while another lad gave out party invitations to people all around my son, and then came right up to his face and said (quite aggressively) 'I haven't got one for YOU'. My DS is only 6 and I'm quite shocked at the cruelty of this other little lad. I keep seeing my sons hurt little face in my head, and bursting into tears, I just want to protect him from horrible things like this.

Anyway, this thread has given me some good advice about how to handle the situation, so thanks to everyone.

Aww it's heartbreaking isn't it, children can be incredibly cruel but then so can us adults we just become more subtle/sly about it.
I'm a sucker for kids even though you could strangle them sometimes bouncing tears always get me:o:D

Shame we can't always protect them , but that's life we can only try to make it easier for them.

super41

rio wrote: »

Mum was suitably embarrassed, and said that the mix up had occured because she had worked out all the children she was going to invite and then realised she had left the birthday boy off her list, by which time all the invites had gone out.

It sounds unlikely but I did this for my DD's party, forgot to include her and had a child too many. Oh boy I really stressed over it and could not think how I would get round it. Felt like cancelling the whole thing, prayed for someone to get a tummy bug and not come etc! I thought in the end I would ask my good friend if she would mind not bringing her toddler who was counted in the numbers. Thankfully rang the venue and they said an extra child was no problem and were really helpful. So I got out of my dilemma.

What I'm trying to say is that the Mum's mistake was understandable but her way out of it probably wasn't that good.

Thin the original OP has delat with it well. Try not to feel too upset for yourself or your son, he will cope if you don't dwell on it. They forget very easily at that age. Also in my experience kids do not talk about parties the day after at this age - they're history by then and its the next day to get on with, so hopefully the son will not be upset.

To the people who say the whole class should be invited, what do you do if your child has 56 classmates in their year that they spend time with at school? Life is tough and you can't always make things 'right' for your kids. They will have knocks at school, they will fall in and out of friends very quickly and back again.

emmaroids

that is bang out of order,

what sort of cruel person invites a four year old to a party and then says they cant go?

gawd thats really p**sed me off and i dont even know you

*lost for words*

Nenen

super41 wrote: »

It sounds unlikely but I did this for my DD's party, forgot to include her and had a child too many. Oh boy I really stressed over it and could not think how I would get round it. Felt like cancelling the whole thing, prayed for someone to get a tummy bug and not come etc! I thought in the end I would ask my good friend if she would mind not bringing her toddler who was counted in the numbers. Thankfully rang the venue and they said an extra child was no problem and were really helpful. So I got out of my dilemma.

You're right,,, we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect... however, it is the way we deal with the consequences of our mistakes that is important. I think the big difference between you and the woman the OP told us about is that you could obviously see what a difficult situation is was and took practical steps to sort things out (i.e. ring venue, think about alternatives). The least the woman could have done if she really couldn't find any other way round it would have been to offer to take her son and the OP's LO for a special treat (possibly to the same place) on another day... the children are young enough to have been told he is having two parties!

super41 wrote: »

To the people who say the whole class should be invited, what do you do if your child has 56 classmates in their year that they spend time with at school? Life is tough and you can't always make things 'right' for your kids. They will have knocks at school, they will fall in and out of friends very quickly and back again.

I don't think anyone has said the whole class should always be invited (certainly the first time I posted to this thread I stated that "Of course if ... the birthday 'do' is a special treat for one or two 'best friends' or a small tea party for half a dozen children that's absolutely fine").

Children have friends round to play and 'sleepovers' etc all the time and others have to learn that they are not always invited. Many parents (and children) want to have smallish parties for all sorts of very valid reasons and it is their right to choose and absolutely fine to do so.

However, there is a great deal of difference IMHO between being one of 10-20+ children out of a class of 30+ children who did not get invited to a fairly small party of 6-12 and being the only person in the entire class not to be invited to a huge party. Personally I find that unnecessarily hurtful to the point of cruelty. I also think (as a teacher) it is not fair to emphasise the point (and accompanying feelings of rejection) by giving out invitations to the chosen few in school in front of everyone who is not being invited.... in my book that's not only unkind it is bad manners.

I can't imagine any adult would feel comfotable to be among a largish group of other adults and issue invitations to most of those present while ignoring only one or two (or worse still telling them they are definitely not invited as posted by Snaggles above). The polite thing to do is to give the invitations to those you wish to invite out of sight of the ones you do not wish to invite. One doesn't need to be deceitful or ridiculously coy about it, just not 'rub people's noses in it'.

Perhaps I am being a little selfish here but I really don't see why I (as class teacher) should be the one to have to see the hurt and disappointment etc and then (more importantly) take lesson time to deal with all the issues surrounding this just so that the parents of the child having a party don't have to make the time/effort to go to the parents of the children they want to invite for themselves. I also suspect that some of them would prefer me to do this for them so that they do not have to have the embarassment of facing parents of children they are not inviting!

I know that children can sometimes be cruel and unkind... it's very common for children trying to establish 'pecking order' to use party invites (among other things) as 'bargaining chips' and make comments like 'I'm not inviting you to my birthday party if you won't play my game' (usually in March when said birthday is in December :rotfl: ). However, it is up to us as adults to teach children the kind and polite way to deal with sensitive issues so that they can find a way to do the things they want/need to do without causing unnecessary hurt to others. I really believe that teaching empathy is a crucial life skill.