Family Problems with Sister's Boyfriend and Baby

WelshBluebird

I know not very related to the topic - but I am amazed at how so many people are willing to put up with their partners being so lazy / disrespectful / whatever. If my girlfriend acted like that, then that would be the end of the relationship! Let alone if she was like that to my family.

RAS

amyloofoo wrote: »

She's always complaining she's got no money and doesn't really help out, but they've just spent £150+ on an xbox and accessories, they both smoke and they're always eating out. It's just really immature and I know that when they do find a place they want to move to, they're going to be looking to family members (probably us) to help out with the deposit as they haven't saved anything towards it.

I don't want to paint her as a bad person, she's just really immature; but I want to be able to talk to her and help her out without her thinking I'm interfering.

amyloofoo wrote: »

Just to clarify, they are on the council housing list and have told them they are at risk of being made homeless, but the council have said they can't even meet with them to discuss priority housing until the 10th of next month and their only other option is a hostel (which I'm not really hard-hearted enough to make them go to, and they know it).

Hi

Can I explain where this is likely to end up.

Toe-rag is not working and his folks are fed up with him (and possibly her). A pregnant GF opens the door to lots of benefits and allows him to move out of home and get away from the parents. Private renting does not appeal because the LHA for shared renting is so low and he would not last in most shared houses with his interpersonal skills.

Plus he can bully GF rather more effectively that the parents so he gets his sweeties and his nookie and no responsibility.

If they get a council house, it will be a joint tenancy. At that point he becomes even more demanding and since the beneifts will be paid to him on a joint claim just fails to provide for GF and bubs, possibly violent and GF moves out. Toerag now has a nice council tenancy all to himself which he can use to invite round his mates.

And if he fails to pay the rent, guess what, GF is jointly and severally liable for the debt. She could also be affected when the property is repossessed as many councils refuse to house people if their council property has been repossessed previously.

If they move into a hostel, there is a chance this relationship will breakdown before they are awarded a tenancy and that it will enable her to get sole tenancy. Even if she is stupid enough to let him back in later, she can then ditch him if she wants.

Oh, by the way, this is what happened to a friend of mine. She spent all her savings furnishing the house, was kept very short of money because his dope was priority and fled with almost nothing. He retained the house and rented it out when he had new GFs to stay with.

BitterAndTwisted

"I know that when they do find a place they want to move to, they're going to be looking to family members (probably us) to help out with the deposit as they haven't saved anything towards it."

In which case you can pre-empt that request can't you? One: you don't actually have that as a free, giving-away-will-never-see-it-again, husband-will-divorce-me-if-I-do fund. Two: Xbox and all other not-strictly vital-to-the-baby's-life-or-yours toys can be sold to raise what's required. No pain, no gain.

If you make it too easy for parasite boyfriend to have reason to hang around you'll be making it trebly easy for him to suck even more blood out of your sister.

That was very wise advice from RAS. I hadn't considered all that.

amyloofoo

Hi guys,

Just to give you an update on the situation. Following the incident the other day, I waited til OH arrived home from his late shift, explained what had happened, called them both into the lounge and explained that I wanted boyf out first thing in the morning. I explained that he was welcome back on the odd night when DS feels like she needs help on the conditions that I was asked first, OH agreed to it (and could be there to support me should things get unpleasant again), he could demonstrate he's been applying for jobs, helps around the house given that he can't contribute financially and that my little nephew comes first, i.e. is bathed appropriately and interacted with rather than being ignored for the xbox. We agreed that if any of these rules were broken, even once, then he wouldn't be welcomed back into my house again, overnight or otherwise. Suprisingly, the conversation didn't go too badly and although they both got a little defensive, I think they were both aware they'd been in the wrong and readily agreed. I know I sound like a total wimp for waiting til OH was home btw, but I'm all of 5"3 and disabled so I didn't want even the slightest risk of things getting out of hand.

Since then, he has been over for one night and has helped round the house and applied for an apprenticeship. DS has found a privately rented house with a landlord who will accept DSS and no bond (not sure why this is the case, but it's good for her) and she has decided that the house will only be in her name, since it's only her who's got any income and their relationship is so volatile. I'm still not convinced it's the best thing for any of them, but it's reached the stage where she's going to have to make her own mistakes. She's also been for an apprenticeship interview today and says it's gone well :beer: I told her straight out that I didn't have any money to give (or lend) to her for the house, and OH had said that under no circumstances would either of us stand as guarantor for her or her boyfriend. She's talked other family members into lending her the admin fees for the estate agents and my other sister is standing as guarantor (which I am very concerned about, but I made sure she read the t&cs thoroughly before signing so at least she knows what she's getting into).

To summarise, she seems to be making a real effort to sort things out. He's pretty much as useless as ever, but I think she's beginning to recognise that more and is making contingency plans for what she'd do if he left. It's still not ideal, but it's a lot better. Thank you so much for everyone's advice and support on here, it's really meant a lot and has given me reassurance that I'm not being fair and should be a bit firmer.

Thanks :j

amyloofoo

mealone wrote: »

So she is fraudulently claiming as a single parent while living with her boyfriend then (bib)?

Your not helping her in anyway, she should go home to mum and dads where them refusing to let he BF live with them might give her the time to see what a useless cretin she has picked.

And no way would I allow either of them or anyone else to disrespect me in my own home.

I'm really concerned about this though - it hadn't occurred to me that she might not be being honest with the benefits people. I will talk to her tonight and make sure she understands the importance about making sure that she's only claiming what she's entitled to. It's actually making me feel quite ill to think that the two of them might be fiddling the system whilst living under my roof - we work hard in this house to try to survive without accepting handouts and I would be so angry if I discovered she was doing this :mad:

I've also suggested to her that in the 10 days or so until her tenancy is (hopefully) approved and she can pick up the keys, that perhaps she should return to our parents house as they are in a better financial position to support her, so she can save more for the furniture, etc that she will need when she moves in. Unfortunately she's going to need a bed, fridge, freezer, washing machine, etc and I don't think she's budgeted properly for these yet. I'm not really convinced she'll move back to theirs, despite there being good reasons, but while she's under my roof she'll get my advice whether she likes it or not lol :rotfl:

amyloofoo

barbiedoll wrote: »

Going back to the baby's welfare.....yes, he does need a wash every day, hands, face, neck,"creases", and bottom. If he has a bad nappy rash, it could be a fungal infection (very common, even in very clean babies!) and he will need a prescription cream from the GP to clear it. Does your sister take him to the baby clinic for weight checks and so on? You're right to be concerned about sticky hands, it's ok for toddlers to be grubby and sticky at times, their immume system is more robust, but young babies can get very ill from bacterial infections, he should be cleaned up after every feed.

Can you sit down with your sis and maybe go through a babycare book together? You could point out some of the basic stuff and suggest that she sees the GP or health visitor about the nappy rash, especially if it makes him cry at changing time. She can use baby wipes to clean him if it's too much effort to use water and cloths etc (I know what teenagers are like!)

And for goodness sake, chuck the parasitic boyfriend out. He's sponging from all of you, if she wants to see him, let him find a place for them to sleep together. I know he will want to see the baby but you should only allow him there when you or your OH are home. And don't let him stay, he'll only end up getting her pregnant again. :mad:

Oh, the other thing was that I took little nephew to the doctors yesterday and he has thrush so his parents have strict instructions to keep him clean and some canesten cream for his poor little sore parts However, getting thrush isn't necessarily related to how often he was being bathed, so all they can do now is treat him, keep him clean and dry and hope he doesn't get it again. He's still red and sore, but seems happier already, poor little man.

In terms of getting pregnant again, one of the very few rules I set down before she moved in that they did stick to, is that she went and got the contraceptive implant in her arm so little man won't be having any brothers or sisters for at least the next 3 years. Technically they shouldn't be having sex anyway as she didn't have an easy labour and the doctors warned her not to until she was fully healed, however when did that ever stop teenagers? As long as they stay safe, healthy (and quiet whilst I'm at home lol) then that's really they're business now we know she's not going to be having any more 'surprises' before she's ready.

supergran2007

amyloofoo wrote: »

I'm really concerned about this though - it hadn't occurred to me that she might not be being honest with the benefits people. I will talk to her tonight and make sure she understands the importance about making sure that she's only claiming what she's entitled to. It's actually making me feel quite ill to think that the two of them might be fiddling the system whilst living under my roof - we work hard in this house to try to survive without accepting handouts and I would be so angry if I discovered she was doing this :mad:

I've also suggested to her that in the 10 days or so until her tenancy is (hopefully) approved and she can pick up the keys, that perhaps she should return to our parents house as they are in a better financial position to support her, so she can save more for the furniture, etc that she will need when she moves in. Unfortunately she's going to need a bed, fridge, freezer, washing machine, etc and I don't think she's budgeted properly for these yet. I'm not really convinced she'll move back to theirs, despite there being good reasons, but while she's under my roof she'll get my advice whether she likes it or not lol :rotfl:

Hi
If you have a freecycle group in your area, this may be a great place to start re: furnishings for your sister.
Also, try googling furniture re-cycling centres in your area ( several charities e.g; National Heart Foudation, Salvation Army etc, have dedicated re-cycling centres ). You can pick up some great bargains.:)
HTH- Good luck!!

daska

You said she's on the housing register? If she gets in touch with them they may be able to identify sources of recycled furniture etc. In our local area you need a referral from one of the Housing Charities in order to access the lower prices. So she needs to get on to that asap.

Freecycle/Freegle and similar alternatives are very good. Tell her to say please and thank you and be pleasant - being nice may well get people searching out other things for her.

Will she be able to get the tenancy in her sole name? Many places insist that all adults living at a single address are checked and named on the tenancy agreement.

Gigglepig

I have been following this thread and just wanted to say to the OP, your sister is very lucky to have you! I hope everything works out well.

Caroline_a

DS has found a privately rented house with a landlord who will accept DSS and no bond (not sure why this is the case, but it's good for her) and she has decided that the house will only be in her name, since it's only her who's got any income and their relationship is so volatile.

If she is claiming benefits for her and the baby, boyf will not be able to stay, else it becomes cohabiting...