Family Problems with Sister's Boyfriend and Baby

Seanymph

perhaps you can just say that as she has been there x amount of time, you thought you'd revisit it with her -
what are her longer term plans
the b/f is staying over too, they don't both live there
you would like xxx contribution towards the running costs.

Don't mention the child - but you can voice the expectation that she behaves like an adult about the rest.

It sounds as if she is used to be indulged, and now you are doing it - you won't be doing her any favours. She's a mother, treat her like an adult, talk to her and discuss it with her.

duchy

If she's only staying with you so her BF can stay over then perhaps she'd be better back with your parents as it might give them an incentive to get their own place ? Just a thought.

Caroline_a

I would have a set arrangement financially for the BF staying over, as he will add to the cost of electricity, tea, coffee, etc. Maybe say that the £X a week covers him staying one night, and for every additional night he stays it will cost an additional, say £8.

Then I would give a timescale when you need them to find their own place - 6 months should give them ample time to find somewhere and save up for a deposit.

This part of your post

but I know that babies shouldn't be left in their pram for 14 hours a day with a bottle intermittently balanced in their mouth and no stimulation or love

worried me a lot. Babies should not be left with bottles balanced in their mouths, they can choke. As others have said, health visitors, social workers who are already involved, speak to them. It's too late when you have a baby who has stopped breathing..

silvercar

Check on line what housing benefit they would be entitled to and help them search for a private rental. Suggest she gets on the council housing waiting list, with a baby in tow and a sister about to evict, you may find she gets housed quickly.

sassyblue

amyloofoo wrote: »

Whenever I try to talk to her or her boyfriend about the baby's care, they just roll their eyes at me, say they've been to college to find out how to look after a baby and they don't have to listen to me because I don't have any kids. I may not have children, but I know that babies shouldn't be left in their pram for 14 hours a day with a bottle intermittently balanced in their mouth and no stimulation or love.

Disgusting and worrying no college would teach you to leave your babies in a pram and prop it's bottle up!

Kick her out OP, your sister needs to learn respect but more importantly on the above issues alone, how to properly care for her baby.

atlantis187

Ur main concern should be for the baby
Sounds to me as though the baby is getting neglected.
Get social services involved ASAP

the_cat

I think it is admirable that you want to help and support your sister. It is however, a very fine line between that and enabling her

She has decided to take on the adult responsibilities of parenthood. You need to cut the apron strings and let her actually BE an adult. Stop letting her walk all over you! It's your home, your rules and if she doesn't like it, then tough! Stop the boyfriend staying over. Full stop. It doesn't sound like his particular brand of 'help' is doing the baby much good tbh.

And if you are not exagerating about the baby in the pram and the propped up bottle etc, you need to do a damn sight more than you are to ensure the safety and well being of your nephew. At the end of the day you have a responsibility to ensure his welfare needs are met if his parents are not showing themselves capable and you know what is happening. Letting them continue in this fashion makes you just as culpable as they are.... possibly worse. You KNOW what they are doing is wrong, they could (maybe) just be doing so through ignorance

Mupette

Perhaps going home to live with your parents wouldn't be so bad after all,

If she is not looking for work, then there is no reason that the bf needs to stay over to help with the baby,

Sorry to sound horrid, she just bought and xbox and all the trimmings?
Living with the parents might push her to start being more responsible, whats with going to college to learn to look after a baby,

amyloofoo

Hi everybody,

Thanks for your contributions. With regards to her care of the child, which remains the most important issue, I was interested to read that babies don't necessarily need to be bathed as often as I thought, however I do this that at least his hands, feet and face need to be cleaned more often as they are sticky, and I thought that because he has bad nappy rash he needed to be bathed a little more often to stop bacteria? Maybe I'm being oversensitive about it. I feel that I need to clarify that she has absolutely NOT been balancing the bottle in his mouth since she's been here as they tried it on the first day and I told them that if I ever spotted them doing it again then I would be forced to mention it to the health visitor. I'm concerned that they may still be doing this when they're round their friend's houses. With regards to them going out, I really don't mind them seeing their friends and would like to believe that it's because they're giving me and OH privacy. What I'm concerned about is that the baby should be back home before 10 or 11p.m. and they and their friends are smokers, so when the little man comes back home reeking of smoke (and his breathing is terrible) I'm convinced they're lying to me and are smoking around him. Please don't get me wrong, if I thought that there was serious or imminent danger to the child I would contact social services, sister or not as my little nephew needs to come first now. As it is, they're just doing things that in my opinion aren't right and may cause problems in the long term, but I'm treading the line of trying not to interfere with their care of the child, but ensure that he stays healthy and happy.

I sat her down and had a talk this morning (after her and boyf had had another blistering row in my hallway) and told her that I expect her to be respectful and responsible when she's staying here. As always, she makes all the right noises, but doesn't change her behaviour at all. Once again, there are dirty dishes left out for me to find and clean and her boyfriend is playing the xbox and demanding cigarettes from her. I told her boyfriend straight out today that he needs to get a job and I would be embarrassed to be taking money from my baby's mother for cigarettes and games when she's claiming she doesn't even have the money to pay for the correct colic bottles for their son. He's just laughed and gone into my spare room, put his headphones on and has gone back to playing xbox. I think it might be time to tell him to go. The original arrangement was since I knew he couldn't pay his way (any money he has just comes from my sister anyway) then he would apply for at least 1 job for every night he stayed over. In the past 5 days he's applied for 1 job, and that's one I found for him and (I've since found out) my sister filled out the application form on his behalf. He's just so lazy and doesn't take anything I say seriously.

On the plus side, my sister has got an interview for an apprenticeship on Friday :j (another one I found for them but let's not be pedantic lol) and they're looking at a flat tonight and a house tomorrow. Just to clarify, they are on the council housing list and have told them they are at risk of being made homeless, but the council have said they can't even meet with them to discuss priority housing until the 10th of next month and their only other option is a hostel (which I'm not really hard-hearted enough to make them go to, and they know it). Whilst she's by no means perfect, and isn't fully contributing in the way she said she would, my sister is at least making an effort and has been applying for the jobs I've showed her. It's really her boyfriend and the issues with the care of her son which are the major issues. She seems powerless to stand up to her boyfriend (probably just a consequence of being 18 and in love) and will buy him anything he asks for, even if it means their son and herself don't have what they need. So far he's had a mini motorbike, an xbox, xbox live subscription, 5 games, countless cigarettes and who knows what else all out of her income support and her son's child benefit, leaving them with no savings at all for their deposit :mad:

I've tried talking to her about it, but she just gets (understandably) defensive and tries to placate me by saying things will change, however they never do. I think I may have to have a more forceful talk this afternoon. I appreciate I've brought some of these problems on myself, but it's really hard to be tough with her when I know she's struggling. I just want them all to be okay.

partialycloudy

Sounds like my brother who is very immature...but he is in his 30s! either lived on mates/families sofa's, or council properties. Never once saved a penny towards anything. I would like to say there is a magic answer but there isn't.
They will ultimately only learn from there own experience, and as long as they have you/mum/inlaws/other to help support their lives they will never grow up. You can tell them till you are blue in the face that they have to save, have to be responsible etc etc but it will go in one ear and out the other. You have to make a decision on how you will let it effect your lives.
If you not happy bailing them out and paying their way for them, then tell them. Give them a deadline to pay house keeping, if they miss it then out they go. If anything like my brother they will use emotional blackmail, so be stong!
I keep telling my mum that my brother will never learn if she is always there to catch him, but she will still bail him out.
In regards to your nephews upbringing, sadly there is little you can do. He is there child, and if you start telling them how to raise him you will be meet with anger......believe me, I have been there with my nieces.

good Luck x