Family Problems with Sister's Boyfriend and Baby

amyloofoo

Hi,

I recently allowed my little sister to move in with me after her boyfriend's family kicked her and her baby out. She could have gone home to live with mum and dad (they would have been delighted to have her and the little man back) but they are very religious and would never have allowed her boyfriend to stay overnight in their house. Obviously she wants him to help out overnight, so I said she could stay here and he could stay with them for a few nights a week in order to help out. She's 18 (was 17 when she got pregnant) and has been struggling so I want to support her as much as possible.

I got married last year, and although my husband wasn't overjoyed about the prospect of having a teenager and baby in our small flat, he agreed that you suck it up for family and we sat her down and said she could stay as long as she was applying for jobs, looking for her own place and contributed to her keep (we are currently having financial problems and with the benefits she gets :eek: she's actually in a better position financially than us).

I'm sure you guys know where this is going... Since she's moved in things have been getting steadily worse. The boyfriend has stayed literally EVERY night, she has contributed £10 in electric and 2 litres of milk towards her keep and the worst thing is that I don't think she's looking after my little nephew right. I know he hasn't had a bath in at least the last four days and as I'm typing this, I'm fuming because her, the baby and boyf are all still out, haven't let me know where they are and seemingly have no consideration for the poor 3 month old they're dragging around the houses to god knows where.

I guess I'm looking for tips on how to approach her without it turning into a fight, because I really do want what's best for her and the little man. It's hard to talk to her without her flying off the handle, and I also don't want her to feel that I'm resentful because she knows my husband and I are waiting to TTC until we're in a better financial state but are still broody as hell. Whenever I try to talk to her or her boyfriend about the baby's care, they just roll their eyes at me, say they've been to college to find out how to look after a baby and they don't have to listen to me because I don't have any kids. I may not have children, but I know that babies shouldn't be left in their pram for 14 hours a day with a bottle intermittently balanced in their mouth and no stimulation or love. I do work with babies as part of my job, so I resent being made to feel that I have nothing to contribute simply because I've never given birth.

At the moment my husband is trying to stay strong for me and is not letting the situation get to him; but I know the financial situation is going to start irritating him before too long. She's always complaining she's got no money and doesn't really help out, but they've just spent £150+ on an xbox and accessories, they both smoke and they're always eating out. It's just really immature and I know that when they do find a place they want to move to, they're going to be looking to family members (probably us) to help out with the deposit as they haven't saved anything towards it.

I don't want to paint her as a bad person, she's just really immature; but I want to be able to talk to her and help her out without her thinking I'm interfering.

Emmzi

does she have a social worker or a health visitor? I'd start there. Sounds like parenting classes would help. And, um, while you are propping her up financially she has no incentive to fix that. Maybe the joy of temporary council accomodation in a less lovely B&B will help her appreciate things more?

mountainofdebt

well this has all the hallmarks of ruining whatever relationship you have with your sister (and by implication your nephew and her boyfriend)

Have you ever sat her down and asked her to contribute a specific amount to household expenses ? If not then do it! Yes you would have thought that she would be voluntering the money but if she's that immature then you have to spell it out for her.

Whether or not you save that for her to use as a deposit is up to you lol!

Ich_2

Possibly explains why the boyfriend's family chucked her out!
Yes insist on a realistic contribution from them, restate the ground rules for when the BF can stay

Mrs.W_2

Oh, gosh! I feel for all of you in this situation. It does sound as if your sister is finding it hard to make the adjustment from being barely out of childhood to being a mother herself.

Emmzi makes a great point about her HV or Social Worker. You are quite right, the child's wellbeing is of the highest priority.

Even though your sister and the boyfriend attended a college course on childcare, it sounds as if they treated it as an extension of school; something they had to do, then walked away from to do as they wished. I can only hope that whatever makes them wake up to being better parents is not a bad experience. At least not so for the baby.

Secondly, your sister and the boyfriend really are taking you and your H for a ride. Sit the both of them down, telling them the next hour or so is about planning for their future. Start by saying your offer of accommodation was only ever temporary, and that you'll need to see real efforts to plan for the future if you're to help them any further.

Sort through a SOA with them. Let them see how they can help and better themselves by keeping to a budget and saving. The only one you really need to convince is your sister. The boyfriend sounds as if he's also clinging to childhood, but he's not a fulltime parent.

Wishing you all the best when the dust settles and you're TTC!

EDA: It might be an idea to suggest she plans her week. Going out of an evening only once or twice a week - to save money, of course;). Attending some mother and baby/toddler groups will help her make friends with other mums and (hopefully) add people to her friendbase who can help and support her as a mum.

Also, ask that the boyfriend sleeps over only on a set number of nights per week. And if they want to change those plans they need your permission in advance.

Do your parents have much contact with their younger daughter and grandson?
I was thinking as a part of your sister looking to her future, they could be asked to offer some childcare. Starting with, say, one afternoon a week, so she can have a little time to be something other than Mum for a while.

The Grandparents might provide childcare for her when she attends job interviews. And you could offer to help her adapt her job searching to allow her to be a working mum. I know this is tantamout to babysitting her while she's under your roof, but she sounds as if her situation is on the cusp of sink or swim. Fingers crossed for you all!

Mojisola

amyloofoo wrote: »

we sat her down and said she could stay as long as she was applying for jobs, looking for her own place and contributed to her keep (we are currently having financial problems and with the benefits she gets :eek: she's actually in a better position financially than us).

So how much did you ask her to contribute? What was the arrangement for paying it?

It's your house so why is the BF staying every night if you're not happy with it?

NBirdy

A very minor detail in the overall scheme of things but my kids were/are only bathed twice a week as their excema flairs up horribly if it's any more frequent (easier now they're older and can have a quick shower!), and it never did them any harm, I certainly didn't see it as lack of care.

The other issues you describe, particularly the financial contribution side of things, I would absolutely have issue with mind you! I sympathise entirely as it's going to be tricky to sort out without a huge row Wishing you luck!

shortdog

amyloofoo wrote: »

the worst thing is that I don't think she's looking after my little nephew right. I know he hasn't had a bath in at least the last four days and as I'm typing this, I'm fuming because her, the baby and boyf are all still out, haven't let me know where they are and seemingly have no consideration for the poor 3 month old they're dragging around the houses to god knows where.

I have no advice for the financila side of things, other than what has alrerady been said, but wanted to mention that babies (especially that small) don't actually get all that dirty, and are generally not recommended to be bathed over often as it doesn't do their sensitive skin any good - both of mine were about every 5 or 6 days at that age, and my 6-year-old son is still only once a week, or his eczema flares up.
Also, at three months old, babies are really really portable, and can be happily dragged from pillar to post, as long as they are warm, fed and loved, they'll come to no harm. It gets a lot harder to take them out as they get a bit older, so, as long as they are being fairly sensible (ie no pubs, smoky atmospheres etc) he'll be fine.

juliep123

I've no other advice on the money side of things,just agree with the others.
Don't be too concerned about him having a bath every day but i would worry about him sitting in a buggy with a bottle for long periods of time.I'd get her to chat to her health visitor - lack of interest in baby could be a sign of post natal depression which can be treated.Remember though she's just a baby herself really!
Best of luck to you all
Jules

Mrs.W_2

shortdog wrote: »

... babies (especially that small) don't actually get all that dirty, and are generally not recommended to be bathed over often as it doesn't do their sensitive skin any good...

Good point. With my first child, I was horrified when my mother suggested I bathe her only once a week as she had a little eczema. But it proved to be the best thing to do for my daughter. 'Clean ups' with a warm wash cloth were all she needed between baths.

shortdog wrote: »

Also, at three months old, babies are really really portable, and can be happily dragged from pillar to post, as long as they are warm, fed and loved, they'll come to no harm. It gets a lot harder to take them out as they get a bit older, so, as long as they are being fairly sensible (ie no pubs, smoky atmospheres etc) he'll be fine.

That's very true; babies are very adaptable if their carer keeps a good eye out for their needs.

In this case, Mum needs to look to the future because her son's needs - physical, emotional and financial - will only increase from here on out.

BitterAndTwisted

In the interests of preserving world peace I would keep my thoughts about how they are caring for their own child to myself. That, on top of the boyfriend staying night after night and the lack of a fair contribution to the household is going to appear that you don't want her there at all. Which you probably don't but that's by-the-by.

Have you considered that they're going out in the evening because they don't want to be under you feet, so you can have some peace, quiet and privacy with your OH? Only you know whether this is a possibility or not.

I suspect that you may not have been clear enough about the boyfriend staying and the money, and that's why they're not doing what you expected of them. I think it's time to be very, very clear indeed: not just you but do it with your OH present and backing you up. I remember when I was 18: unspeakably naive, selfish and thoughtless but I didn't have a tiny baby in tow, that God.