Family Problems with Sister's Boyfriend and Baby

Welshwoofs

You say that you don't want to make waves op, but in all honesty it sounds as though your sister and her boyfriend think that you have 'doormat' stamped on your forehead.

If it were me there would be a talk that went like this:

"Guess what kiddo, if you're old enough to have a baby you're old enough to be responsible for it and that includes NOT expecting to bum off everyone else around you. So, it goes like this: 1. Your boyfriend is NOT staying over. 2. You will give me £x a week to your keep 3. You will tidy up after yourself and do what's needed for your child. Fail to do any of those things and you will be leaving"

barbiedoll

Going back to the baby's welfare.....yes, he does need a wash every day, hands, face, neck,"creases", and bottom. If he has a bad nappy rash, it could be a fungal infection (very common, even in very clean babies!) and he will need a prescription cream from the GP to clear it. Does your sister take him to the baby clinic for weight checks and so on? You're right to be concerned about sticky hands, it's ok for toddlers to be grubby and sticky at times, their immume system is more robust, but young babies can get very ill from bacterial infections, he should be cleaned up after every feed.

Can you sit down with your sis and maybe go through a babycare book together? You could point out some of the basic stuff and suggest that she sees the GP or health visitor about the nappy rash, especially if it makes him cry at changing time. She can use baby wipes to clean him if it's too much effort to use water and cloths etc (I know what teenagers are like!)

And for goodness sake, chuck the parasitic boyfriend out. He's sponging from all of you, if she wants to see him, let him find a place for them to sleep together. I know he will want to see the baby but you should only allow him there when you or your OH are home. And don't let him stay, he'll only end up getting her pregnant again. :mad:

claire16c

Sounds like you need to show your sister some tough love.

I think you need to kick the boyfriend out. I cant imagine letting someone with that attitude live in my house. Dont enable anymore of his behaviour. If hes old enough to have a child, hes old enough to provide for it himself. You dont need to feel sorry for him.

Darlyd

Kick them out and keep the baby?

OK serious though you been given some good advice, your sister needs you by the sounds of it, because sadly they are young and think it's the norm to carry on doing what they did before baby was born.

You seriously need a good talking to her.

Caroline_a

OP, what is your husband's take on this? I cannot see how this whole situation can do anything but harm your household in the long term. Start by booting out the boyfriend, take your sister in hand, but do it as a couple with your husband as a couple,

green1970

The lack of respect shown to you by the bf today should mean that he's out of the house permanently - not acceptable in any way. First step has to be to get him out of your house, he eats into the baby's time and is a drain on everybody - absolute perfect example of a parasite. Get him out immediately. Then you can work on a plan of care with your sister, see if she'll enrol at a parenting programme at your local Children's Centre, they're fantastic and great ways of not only being able to feel confident as a parent but to find great happiness and reward in it too. She'll also have more access to support re housing and jobs there as everything's under one roof, she'll get used to sorting things out for herself as she'll be expected to do it all herself but with bags of support and advice. Good luck, it must be heartbreaking to see this day in day out and feel your loyalties torn.

mealone

amyloofoo wrote: »

Hi everybody,

Thanks for your contributions. With regards to her care of the child, which remains the most important issue, I was interested to read that babies don't necessarily need to be bathed as often as I thought, however I do this that at least his hands, feet and face need to be cleaned more often as they are sticky, and I thought that because he has bad nappy rash he needed to be bathed a little more often to stop bacteria? Maybe I'm being oversensitive about it. I feel that I need to clarify that she has absolutely NOT been balancing the bottle in his mouth since she's been here as they tried it on the first day and I told them that if I ever spotted them doing it again then I would be forced to mention it to the health visitor. I'm concerned that they may still be doing this when they're round their friend's houses. With regards to them going out, I really don't mind them seeing their friends and would like to believe that it's because they're giving me and OH privacy. What I'm concerned about is that the baby should be back home before 10 or 11p.m. and they and their friends are smokers, so when the little man comes back home reeking of smoke (and his breathing is terrible) I'm convinced they're lying to me and are smoking around him. Please don't get me wrong, if I thought that there was serious or imminent danger to the child I would contact social services, sister or not as my little nephew needs to come first now. As it is, they're just doing things that in my opinion aren't right and may cause problems in the long term, but I'm treading the line of trying not to interfere with their care of the child, but ensure that he stays healthy and happy.

I sat her down and had a talk this morning (after her and boyf had had another blistering row in my hallway) and told her that I expect her to be respectful and responsible when she's staying here. As always, she makes all the right noises, but doesn't change her behaviour at all. Once again, there are dirty dishes left out for me to find and clean and her boyfriend is playing the xbox and demanding cigarettes from her. I told her boyfriend straight out today that he needs to get a job and I would be embarrassed to be taking money from my baby's mother for cigarettes and games when she's claiming she doesn't even have the money to pay for the correct colic bottles for their son. He's just laughed and gone into my spare room, put his headphones on and has gone back to playing xbox. I think it might be time to tell him to go. The original arrangement was since I knew he couldn't pay his way (any money he has just comes from my sister anyway) then he would apply for at least 1 job for every night he stayed over. In the past 5 days he's applied for 1 job, and that's one I found for him and (I've since found out) my sister filled out the application form on his behalf. He's just so lazy and doesn't take anything I say seriously.

On the plus side, my sister has got an interview for an apprenticeship on Friday :j (another one I found for them but let's not be pedantic lol) and they're looking at a flat tonight and a house tomorrow. Just to clarify, they are on the council housing list and have told them they are at risk of being made homeless, but the council have said they can't even meet with them to discuss priority housing until the 10th of next month and their only other option is a hostel (which I'm not really hard-hearted enough to make them go to, and they know it). Whilst she's by no means perfect, and isn't fully contributing in the way she said she would, my sister is at least making an effort and has been applying for the jobs I've showed her. It's really her boyfriend and the issues with the care of her son which are the major issues. She seems powerless to stand up to her boyfriend (probably just a consequence of being 18 and in love) and will buy him anything he asks for, even if it means their son and herself don't have what they need. So far he's had a mini motorbike, an xbox, xbox live subscription, 5 games, countless cigarettes and who knows what else all out of her income support and her son's child benefit, leaving them with no savings at all for their deposit :mad:

I've tried talking to her about it, but she just gets (understandably) defensive and tries to placate me by saying things will change, however they never do. I think I may have to have a more forceful talk this afternoon. I appreciate I've brought some of these problems on myself, but it's really hard to be tough with her when I know she's struggling. I just want them all to be okay.

So she is fraudulently claiming as a single parent while living with her boyfriend then (bib)?

Your not helping her in anyway, she should go home to mum and dads where them refusing to let he BF live with them might give her the time to see what a useless cretin she has picked.

And no way would I allow either of them or anyone else to disrespect me in my own home.

MandM90

BitterandTwisted, if I had the extra cash, I'd employ you as my life coach.

BitterAndTwisted

MandM90: I offer my services free and can be easily contacted by personal message.

It's always easier to see solutions to other people's problems than it is your own. The hard part is most definitely implementing those solutions. That takes bravery

Taadaa

I used to bath DS every day when he was that age. He enjoyed it. Then again I was back at work by that point so wanted to interact with him as well. I feel awful for that poor baby. They may be oblivious from being carted about but they need routine, especially at bedtime, and it doesn't sound like he has one.

As for that scroat laughing at you...I would have ripped those headphones off his head, ask him 'who's laughing now?' and chucked him out. With a verbal note to go and find someone else's electricity to use. And possibly thrown the x box after him for good measure.