Family Problems with Sister's Boyfriend and Baby

Acc72

Ok, here we go .......

OP - are you familiar with the term "enabler" ?

No offence as I am sure that you mean well, but you are actually facilitating the situation.

To be blunt, you are the sister (not her mother, the BF mother or the babies mother).

If you want to help your sister out, then you need to state clearly what you expect - eg. "You can live her with the baby for a rent of £x per week. The bf can stay over twice per week. You need to cook and clean and look after yourself and your baby".

That is it.

You should not go down the road of "how many jobs have you applied for", "why did you buy an x-box", "how often do you bathe your baby" etc. etc. (I am of course assuming that the baby is well looked after).

By continuing to treat your sister (and her bf) as a child, she will continue to act in that role as a child.

Taadaa

I think the OP has been proactive. At the end of the day she wants what is best for her sister and the baby, and she has encouraged her sister to take action for herself to ensure that she is independant and can build a new life. It's not as though she has realised she hasn't saved any money for white goods or whatever, so is going to buy them for her, so the behaviour continues because her sister hasn't learned any lessons.

I don't think asking questions that have been suggested above is enabling her to continue her behaviour. She needed a bit of guidance and straight talking. She got it and it has had the right outcome. Just my humble opinion.

RAS

Caroline_a wrote: »

If she is claiming benefits for her and the baby, boyf will not be able to stay, else it becomes cohabiting...

Not quite true.

If they are seen to be co-habiting, then her single claim is fraudulent, even if they would get more as a couple.

Contrary to what a lot of people believe, it is not OK to spend a maximum of 3 nights a week with her. However a single stop-over of 10 days would not invalidate her claim.

She could be seen to be co-habiting if he spends all day there, eats there routinely, they shop together and share their income.

Caroline_a

RAS wrote: »

Not quite true.

If they are seen to be co-habiting, then her single claim is fraudulent, even if they would get more as a couple.

Contrary to what a lot of people believe, it is not OK to spend a maximum of 3 nights a week with her. However a single stop-over of 10 days would not invalidate her claim.

She could be seen to be co-habiting if he spends all day there, eats there routinely, they shop together and share their income.

Yes, I'm probably a little rusty in my knowledge of the benefit system, but thinking this one through, and following on from what Acc72 has said, if that happens then it is not the OP's responsibility. These two young people have been 'responsible' enough to have a baby, and now they have to grow up (a lot imho) and act like adults to ensure that the baby is brought up in the best possible way.

I once asked one of my daughters when she was around 18 why she thought that she had completed her eduction and had got herself a good job, whereas an old schoolfriend of hers had 2 babies to 2 different men by the time she was 18. She thought about it and told me that she felt that if she'd have got pregnant then, although i would have supported her, I wouldnt have cared for the baby for her, and she'd have had to fund and look after it herself. She didnt want to lose her freedom. Her friend however had a mum who babysat both children, helped her financially, and basically almost became a mum to all 3 of them, enabling the friend to stay a teenager with few responsibilities.

I think the term 'enabler' has been mentioned. OP, don't become one of these.

rozmister

Acc72 wrote: »

Ok, here we go .......

OP - are you familiar with the term "enabler" ?

No offence as I am sure that you mean well, but you are actually facilitating the situation.

To be blunt, you are the sister (not her mother, the BF mother or the babies mother).

If you want to help your sister out, then you need to state clearly what you expect - eg. "You can live her with the baby for a rent of £x per week. The bf can stay over twice per week. You need to cook and clean and look after yourself and your baby".

That is it.

You should not go down the road of "how many jobs have you applied for", "why did you buy an x-box", "how often do you bathe your baby" etc. etc. (I am of course assuming that the baby is well looked after).

By continuing to treat your sister (and her bf) as a child, she will continue to act in that role as a child.

I know you mean well with this comment but I think you have to sometimes remember 'mothers' aren't always the best people to help. I am extremely close to my big sister (13 years older than me) and I know if it was necessary she'd do this kind of thing for me. I don't get on well with my Mum and I don't think with the relationship I have with her I'd be able to accept support from her. We don't know the relationship in OP's family so we shouldn't judge based on stereotypical ideas of family relationships.

OP I'm pleased it seems to be working out for your sister. See if you have any charity furniture shops/warehouses near you. We have them near me and they're cheaper than a furniture shop and some of the stuff is brand new it's just older models stores donate when they upgrade what they have on the shop floor!

RAS

meant to post this libnk http://www.frn.org.uk/

List the furniture recycling resources near you. Most require a letter of recommendation.

kj*daisy

She can have the tenancy only in her name and him still live there, probably best considering their relationship as if it's in both names he can end it on his own whether or not she agrees, and she may not be given a new tenancy on her own if he did if they owed rent or anything.

But if he is living there they should declare he does or it's fraud.

daska

kj*daisy wrote: »

She can have the tenancy only in her name and him still live there, probably best considering their relationship as if it's in both names he can end it on his own whether or not she agrees, and she may not be given a new tenancy on her own if he did if they owed rent or anything.

But if he is living there they should declare he does or it's fraud.

If she takes it on in single name without declaring that he's moving in and there's a clause in it that no one else lives there without permission she could find herself homeless that way as well.

I would advise against her making any assumptions. Not all LL's or agencies are prepared to have additional adults living in a rented property unless they are on the tenancy agreement.

But then if I were her I'd not let him move in :rotfl:

Uniscots97

darlyd wrote: »

Kick them out and keep the baby?


You seriously need a good talking to her.

Unfortunately if the OP did that I don't think the sister (baby's mum) and the boyfriend would care it would mean they could do what they liked. I have 2 friends in similar positions, one its the step-daughter that kept dumping the baby (she had at 16) on their doorstep (literally) if she wanted a night out until she called social work. She only gets to she the child now for 2-3 hours a week and is happy with that as she can gets pictures to post on facebook etc and pretend to be the world's best Mum yet the reality is she never wanted the child. The second friend has her nephew dumped on her most weekends as the sister (the boy's Mum) says 'well you're single what else would you be doing'? Now my friend is really worried as her sister has just announced she's pregnant again!!!!! :eek:

I think the OP needs to get social work involved as they (the girl and her bf) clearly do not know how to look after a baby and are showing no interest in the child or getting themselves sorted.

Humphrey10

amyloofoo wrote: »

my other sister is standing as guarantor (which I am very concerned about, but I made sure she read the t&cs thoroughly before signing so at least she knows what she's getting into).

What she's getting into is being liable for the rent, if your sister can't or won't pay. Can other sister afford to pay the rent if this happens?