In Laws issue.

faerie~spangles

londonsurrey wrote: »

Thank you for that. I missed that bit. I agree that it sounds like a good compromise. I wonder why or what reasons the wife gave for turning that option down.

May I suggest, because she wanted to spend time with her husband and baby.

She is sick to the back teeth of having to please...

It is up to her to decide when she needs/wants some 'me/us time' and ask if the GP's would like to look after baby.

She waited five years for this baby. Perhaps she is not ready or willing to share at the moment. Nor should she be expected to.

hawk30

londonsurrey wrote: »

Thank you for that. I missed that bit. I agree that it sounds like a good compromise. I wonder why or what reasons the wife gave for turning that option down.

She may think that if she gives an inch they'll take a mile, especially if this issue hasn't been properly aired and discussed. As others have said, she probably feels under siege and is doing whatever she can to try and regain control.

meer53

I'm all for grandparents seeing their grandchildren regularly, BUT, if my MIL had moved into the same street as me, i would have been devastated. Especially as the OP's wife had expressed her doubts before they moved. She must feel completely ignored. Thats how i would feel anyway. It sounds to me as though the OP has let this happen, either because it suited him, or because he didn't know how to tell his parents that it wasn't what his wife wanted.

I think the OP should sort this out, he should speak to his wife and try to agree a compromise. Having them there will be a great help eventually, but at the moment, he needs to consider his wife's feelings, whether he thinks they're right or not.

If she isn't depressed already, then this situation could bring it on ! It's not fair on her to expect her to go along with whats happened when she didn't really want it to begin with.

Tyler_Du

Hi
This is Tyler's wife, firstly I would like to thank you all for the replies and thank you for helping my husband see where I am coming from. I have mentioned to him on numerous occasions my concerns and not getting anywhere that's why I put it down to maybe being a woman thing. I would also like to say that I have never and wouldn't ever stop my daughter from seeing her grandparents.

The things that irk me the most is that they are far too close for comfort as has been said that they have to go past our house every time they the leave the close. I'm quite a private person and don't like people popping in on the off chance, also the tapping at the window really really annoys me. Once I was poorly and feeding my daughter when hubbies dad popped up at the window without warning. Since they have moved here we have seen them nearly every weekend bar 3 (1 when we were ill with the vomiting bug and 2 when they were on holiday) Is it too much to ask to spend a weekend with my husband and daughter? This is the time I get to catch up on jobs around the house etc. As Tyler mentioned he wanted his folks to take our daughter for a walk I said no because firstly his dad would just let her cry as its good for her ( that's what he says) She is a very happy baby and never cries unless shes tired and secondly, every time she sees them esp granny she cries.

I do feel as if my privacy has been invaded and I just want to enjoy my baby without the hassle of having the in laws turning up. I feel as if I'm being judged all the time and even small things have now started to really annoy me about them. I have always got on well with them but this is really making me hate them.

We haven't really had a chance to talk things through today as mother in law was around tonight but we have briefly discussed it and will be setting up some boundaries, Tyler will be talking to his parents this weekend about it.

I just want to thank you all again as I felt I was going mad and making things up in my head but you have all voiced my inner most thoughts and those that I have voiced with my husband, Once again thank you!

londonsurrey

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

I just want to thank you all again as I felt I was going mad and making things up in my head but you have all voiced my inner most thoughts and those that I have voiced with my husband, Once again thank you!

You're very welcome. A lot of us were young wives once, and sometimes with no one to help us stand up for ourselves. May you have a bright and happy future together.


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daska

I'm very glad to hear that you're talking about it and he's finally supporting you, I sincerely hope you manage to find some compromises that you are all happy with. Best of luck and enjoy every moment of your time with your baby. ((()))

Taadaa

fluffnutter wrote: »

Your wife has become sensitised to a perceived lack of privacy to the point that even reasonable requests now annoy her. This is why she dismissed the idea that your parents take the baby out for a few hours. If she felt more relaxed about the whole situation, and more respected, she'd be more accommodating.

It's not too much to want your parents to be involved in your child's life; grandparents are so important and everything that can be done to encourage this special relationship should be. However, you can't do this at the expense of your wife's feelings. I really think the root of this is unresolved issues from around the time of the move. I don't think your wife was really convinced that her privacy would be respected, and every minor detail now adds fuel to her argument - to the point where she's going to appear unreasonable.

She needs to be respected and listened to. She needs to feel that her concerns weren't dismissed at the time and that her husband is on her side. Were they dismissed? Are you on her side?

This is so spot on. I know because I am that unreasonable person when it comes to my in laws. I know I am being unreasonable, but if my husband had done what I think he should have done and told them that it is not okay to call three times an evening to ask us what we are having for dinner, what our financial situation is like, and wanting to know our every single bloody movement, I wouldn't balk at the mere mention of them coming over to visit. They aren't even that bad now, but the damage is done. It's too late to make it right as far as I am concerned. I see them 2-3 times a year now, and I even resent that. When my FIL died I didn't shed a single tear. I know, it's awful, I know it is, but shutting them out as much as possible is the only way I have been able to cope with their (what I perceive to be) instrusive behaviour given the lack of support from DH.

I am expecting their first GC and she has hinted a few times about coming over as I have been off unwell (she isn't working at the moment). This is a precursor to her wanting to come over when I am on mat leave imho. It's. Not. Going. To. Happen. Not unless DH is there, and certainly not once a week. You can judge me as much as you want, as I have said I know I am being unreasonable, but I couldn't give a !!!! what anyone thinks so long as she isn't in my face.

You really need to sort this out now (sorry haven't read all the posts so you may have replied again) before your wife ends up in a situation like mine.

barbiedoll

Hello Mrs D and welcome to the forum! :wave:

Thanks for giving us your point of view, I think a lot of us had guessed how you were feeling and many of us could sympathise with you.

I'm glad that you and Mr D are talking about the situation. It will get sorted as long as everyone is prepared to listen to each other. You are perfectly within your rights to demand privacy and for everyone to respect your boundaries so don't think that you have to make excuses. It's not a "woman" thing, it's a "respect" thing!

Don't worry too much about the baby crying every time she sees her grandmother. Lots of babies cry when a face that is not mum or dad, appears hovering over them. My son used to cry when his dad removed his glasses! You will probably also have to get used to the grandparents not doing things "your way", generations of mothers have silently (and not so silently) cursed their mothers and/or MIL's for giving endless sweets to the kids before bedtime, buying them horrid clothes and expecting them to be worn all the time, and especially for disrupting feeding and bedtime routines under the guise of "it's a treat" etc etc. All part of being a parent, I'm afraid!

I hope you manage to find a solution, as others have said, the in-laws will probably prove to be invaluable later on, but you should enjoy your baby while you can, they are little for such a short time. Your in-laws have had their kids, your daughter is yours and you spend as much time with her as you wish. They probably won't be so keen when she is a screechy 18-month-old, with disgusting nappies and a dribbling habit! :rotfl:

SingleSue

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Can I just say, the OP does come across as a bit patronising, but it may be his tone of type.

Its just - why isnt she thrilled to have people she was reluctant to have move near her be on her case - tapping at the window, walking back and forth in front of the house checking if the curtains are open, hassling hubby to encourage her to spend more time with people she doesnt seem to want to spend time with and never has.

OP - suggest you move. Get a bit of distance. wifey must feel like shes under surveillance. And less than a year in to being a mum, she may still be at the car crash stage of housekeeping. What other support does your wife have? And do your parents approve?

Personally, think the relationship between your wife and your mum is already stuffed, but good luck.

I found my now ex mother in law unbearable when I had the boys, she always made me feel like I was doing it wrong, that I was not a good wife etc...we had a very rocky relationship and I purposely arranged to work on the night she would come round to visit to avoid her.

Now though, we get on fine, strange really bearing in mind me and her son are now divorced. She certainly came into her own when we split and he moved 400 miles away, coming at a moments notice if one of the boys have to go to hospital and care is needed for the others and relieving me of bedside duty at the hospital so I can go home for a few hours to chill and have a bath/catch 40 winks.

She also has them for tea once a week, giving me a much needed break from the caring duties for a couple of hours to catch my breath and chill.

So, although the relationship may look stuffed, it may not be in the future.

*Me, my parents and my ex mother in law all live within 10 minutes of each other.

faerie~spangles

Originally Posted by Tyler Durden UK
I just want to thank you all again as I felt I was going mad and making things up in my head but you have all voiced my inner most thoughts and those that I have voiced with my husband, Once again thank you!

You're welcome.

Men just don't get it :eek:

I actually banned (instructed the nurses and my husband) my lovely mother in law from visiting me in hospital after I had my son 32 yr's ago. We lived in the same village where she had lived all of her life.

The baby I had given birth to was mine not hers and I had to establish that. She backed off and apart from an odd annoyance we had a great relationship.

Cue the upcoming chat, I don't envy you both that one.

The in-laws: We sold up, gave up our lives and moved to be near you!

You: You certainly didn't have to move right on top of me!

Mr Tyler make it clear to your dad that peering and banging on the window is UNACCEPTABLE!