Living for the Present...after all who doesn't love a gift!

Alice_in_Poorland

Just dropping in to say hi and hope you've had a peaceful day.xx

happy_but_skint

Sent you a message on facebook x

bast

(((hugs))) horrible time you are going through, take care of yourself x

Skint_but_Optimistic

Thinking of you, have had a split and its never easy. If you need someone to speak to who has come out the other side, feel free. xx

BlueCrayon

I've been reading through bits of your diary over the last week and made it to the end today and didn't want to read and run.

I'm really sorry about what has happened. It seems that you have been together for a very long time and have been though a lot. If you still love him could a temporary split/counselling help? Maybe give it a try first if he is accommodating? I wouldn't rush into anything when you're both feeling raw.

You're not over the hill, I'm 2 years older than you, been single again for 6 months and have no children. I now worry that I will never have the opportunity to have a child. You have your children and plenty of time to find the one if it does not work out with your husband. The emerging wrinkles and frumpyness are likely to be fictions of your imagination and invisible to all else.

I'd look into getting rid of the Wales place anyway you can except to the (ex)H. If it has been a millstone for you who will deal with it when he's on tour, if it becomes expensive and he pays it could mean other debts not paid and no child support. I'd speak to a specialist debt advisor and get some advice on the best way to proceed for all of you. Can you also get confidential advice from army welfare as to how is best to proceed for you and your family? You don't necessarily need to tell them you have split up just say it may happen and you want to prepare by knowing what support you have available. Facts and not gleaned information, which may be wrong, is the best way to proceed.

Don't feel guilty for anything at the moment, just focus on what is the best way forward for you and your family. Everyone else can bloody well wait.

Big love and hugs.

BlueCrayon xx

grannyx2

Hello my lovely, just popping in to drop off some more Granny hugs x Hope today hasn't been too rough x

PinotGrigio41

Hello dearest DFW,

I have just been catching up and was all set to chat about Twiglets and your Mad Laptop Lady and then your sad news hit me.:(

I wont burble for once, as the others have said everything there is to say really. I think you are behaving very rationally and thinking things through which is great to hear. From where I am sitting, moving after the Tour has finished sounds a good option, and as you say you have Panto Tickets already !! These long seperations really do / can take their toll, but you know that. We have spoken about this before but its very hard to keep adjusting to being single parent, married woman back to single parent again. Its not easy and like wise maybe for DH as well. Its so sad that you still love DH, but maybe this decision is the best for you both. The children will still grow up happy with a lovely mum , who cares and feels guilty about the smallest thing. Isnt thats what we were put on this earth to do , us mums ?! Feel guilty all of the time ?

Sorry I haven't been around recently, see I feel guilty over, that particularly as things have been tough for you. You know where I am (ish) and its not far if you need anything .

Keep posting, ranting anything you like really, its your diary after all, everyone is here for you xxx

Oh my I did burble after all didnt I ?!!! :rotfl:

suburbanwifey

I too have come across your thread and over the past 3 or 4 days have managed to read it all. Your story struck a chord with me as I used to be a military wife. When I met my OH he was in the military and I met him in the May in 1987 and he had me married by the August of 1987. Three months after we met.

I had my own house at the time we met and he had actually moved in bit and bobs and then most of his stuff within a few weeks. He told me on our 2nd date he would have me as his wife. I laughed and said no, but not sure how, 3 months later I became his wife in a small ceremony in the local registry office. It wasn't the wedding of my dreams and within a few weeks of moving onto the base into married quarters, I realised the life and him were not my dream either. He wasn't an easy man to live with, none of them are. Some have issues that civvie men just cannot comprehend. Its a whole new world for sure and for a girl from the posh side of town, it didn't suit me one bit, any of it

The first 2 years we argued left, right and centre as once he had me where he wanted me, he thought he was the boss :eek: LOL even when he was wrong or wanting to make stupid decisions etc. Forces guys live under such tight regimes and rules that I think when they come home they turn into the most arrogant, bossy so and so's you could imagine. By the end of year one I hated his guts to be honest, but I had given my house up and had nowhere to go, else I would have been out of there pronto. I started to plan my escape.

I barely saw him, I felt like a single woman with the trappings of a wedding ring and none of the benefits of a husband. He was a whirlwind tyrant who knew nothing, was immature and aggressive, also exceptionally possessive. My life was a living hell to be honest.

2 years after I married him and moved into married quarters, I told him I wouldn't be moving to Germany when they all moved there in 1 years time (3 years after we met) He couldn't talk me round nor threaten me around that decision.

To cut a long story short, he signed off - he wasn't prepared to let me go. Ever. I gathered that much after only a month of marriage, a lot of them are like that, possessive - he came from a troubled background and I was his saviour and his rock. And I was leaving him.

We were still together in the army quarter when his 12 year service came to an end. He also for the last year moved to a job on camp where he didn't go away (in the stores, which he hated as he was a physical man who loved what he did) I said if he went away again I would meet someone else and replace him with a man who was there and was a husband, not a spoilt brat who turned up to my home once a blue moon, ordering me around and generally being an idiot that I hated. He beleived me, I wasn't lying. I gave him an ultimatum, get out of the military or I will leave and divorce you, I'm outta this life etc.

When *we* left the forces we were still married but I seriously disliked him, barely bothered with him, and was married in name only, he still adored me and was still an overbearing, childish idiot. He was unemployed for 6 months when he first left and I got a job and supported the both of us. We slept in separate rooms, I saved up an emergency stash of money just like you. I just wanted rid of him :rotfl:

I forgot to add, he also drank like a fish, was bordering on alcoholic and had a reputation for being a 'fighter' and he was. He was a bit of a lunatic to be honest, but a few tours in NI had brought a lot of that on and some PTSD I think. Paranoia was his best friend aside from me You getting the picture? it was bad, seriously, not enough space on here to tell it all, you would horrified.

After a fight where he was drunk and lost it, I gave him an ultimatum again - stop drinking or I am GONE and you are in a cell, last chance.

He did stop drinking, he stopped fighting, he stopped ordering me around, he stopped it all. He got a good job, he worked hard, he got promoted 3 times, he became a model employee, a model husband - I went from hating him and thinking he was a waste of space to admiring him and respecting him. He still adores me to this day and would do anything to make me happy and he has, plenty. Any dream I have had he has worked hard to make come true, all of them and I had some pretty far out dreams and some expensive ones.

He's been a high-rate tax payer for 20 years, had only 2 jobs in all that time. He turned his life around as we didn't give up.

We celebrate our 25 year wedding anniversary in one week

The point of me sharing this with you? I would ask that you think seriously before you walk away, the both of you. Your life sounds like a living hell with him, just like mine was with my guy. They are not easy men to live with or have a life with, but if you both want it and you both work at it and have a dedication for your marriage and your kids, you can come out the other side with the best marriage in the world, like I did. I take no orders off him and never have, neither should you, ever. I always stood up to him and was the only person in his life who ever did. That is what he was short of, someone with some nuts and he got a whole bag of attitude with me. He still to this day tells me I made his life, made him the man that he is today. He came from nothing and by standing by him and standing up to him I made his something. I know he couldn't live without me and I couldn't live without him. Those early years (they went on a long time lol) were hard, but I am nowadays glad I didn't bail permanently. I couldn't find a better husband. They said it wouldn't work, I was the posh bit of stuff and he was the violent loon from wrong side of town, they were wrong and to be honest, it was his determination to hang onto me and to change that changed him.

Can you not rethink and try - you've been together a while, you have kids, give the guy a chance. The military, their backgrounds and their poor social skills makes them difficult men - you are strong, determined and you stand up to him. That's what he needs, a different type of discipline than the army gives him at the moment.

Think before you walk - best wishes xx

mummytogirls

Awwww DFW, I just picked up in your last post about being worried and guilty for DD re starting school.
I too would be exactly the same, worrying myself sick but in all honesty ive seen young kids move around to different schools at her age and they are so resiliant and take it all in their stride. I hope this helps xx

debtfreewannabe321

Thank you all for popping by. Welcome to Blue Crayon & Suburbanwifey . Well he moved out today into the blocks at work. He's taken all of his clothes, belongings (didn't have much) and the bedroom tv (i didn't use it much so offered it over). Suburbanwifey, your post really struck me and thank you for sharing, DH & I sound very similar to you and your DH. We got back together after being apart for 3 years and were married within 12 months of getting back together (when we originally met i was pregnant within 3 months of meeting dh..tied to him from the age of 18 lol) In fact he booked the registry office without consulting me. I had 6 weeks to pack a house up, hand in 3 assignments at uni, plan & pay for a wedding on £500 (this is not easy) and i was throwing up the entire time as I was pregnant with DD ...the wedding was a disaster hardly anyone turned up and it rained! And it just wasn't what i had planned We then moved to army quarters which had last been decorated in the 80's (kitchen was an original from the 60s!) and he went off to afghan. It was and has been awful from the beginning. I've had nervous breakdowns, depression and he came back from Afghan with PTSD i am sure of it. He refused to get any help though and has been a complete a5se the entire time he's been back. We've always been a couple that fight (definitely passionate!!) but we've always loved each other so much we've got through it. This time he just came home, i want to split up, i'm going on Tuesday!

I have suspicions another woman is involved. Obviously he has denied. But i am still suspicious (perhaps it's just my over worked mind!) it' just so sudden. I asked if he meant he wanted a trial separation but no he was determined it was the end. So that is where we stand currently.

We both took the kids to the cinema today, he expected me to be all smiles though and kept asking why i was miserable - i think he's been hit on the head. Is he for real???? *rolls eyes* He's gone now. I've tidied the house from top to bottom and removed all traces of him, i probably shouldn't as it will upset the kids. But to be honest they are so used to him being away i'm hoping it will be much easier then when most people split! I've still not told ds1, he's still at mums. My father called today and wants me to visit. I've also had offers from lovely friends on here and i feel truly blessed. I get to see the kids every day, I have a roof over my head (for 6 months anyway) and i have family and friends that are being kind. I did smile freely today, just the once. My mother called to say the aerial had been fitted on her t.v and she had 150 channels :rotfl: before she only had BBC1 and that wasn't a great signal. The simple things eh

Oh i have some news. I took the kids to the cinema today and we were early so we popped to a very smelly popular bath toiletries shop (am carp at describing things!). I never shop there but was rightly feeling like a splurge. Anyway i bought the little ones a bath bomb each. We got home and dh was carrying the bags. He passes them over so i can find keys and ds2, the little terror, had only nicked a bar (thankfully it was SMALL can you imagine if he'd nicked one of the box sets he had his eye on ) so i now have a bath bomb too and i'm off to use it now!!! Will try and pop by tomorrow, dh is coming by again though so i may ask him to take the kids out. He seems to wander around the house still as if it's his. He ate my dinner from the fridge and walked in on me earlier as i was getting dressed! Pfft if he thinks he's getting a free peep show he can dream on . Anyway i'm off hope all is good with everyone x