My head says end it, my heart want to make it work

belfastgirl23

Oldfashionedgirl wrote: »

You know i've just realiesed what I want from him. I really want to see some remorse. I want him to understand what he has done, I want it to hurt him like its hurting me, i want him to cry and be scared and feel ashamed. To feel guilty and hate himself like I feel when Im stupid enough to have him back again and again even though hes hurting me. I just want to walk out of the door sometimes and fade away, never to have ever even existed.

Your instincts are absolutely right here, this is what needs to happen. At the minute he is not taking you seriously, he thinks this is just a phase where he has to listen and say 'yeah yeah yeah' till you shut up and everything can go back to normal. And maybe he'll stay off the drugs, maybe he won't, maybe he'll lie. But there are no stakes for him at the minute. He does not understand how serious it is.

And in some ways I think this is a bit your responsibility. You keep talking to him about him and his behaviour (which is understandable because you're trying to work it out in your own mind) but you aren't giving him any sense of consequences. He thinks it's all a talking shop. He thinks he's safe.

Honestly now I think it's time to stop berating him about the behaviour and spell out to him very coolly and calmly what the consequences are. You can no longer trust him. Either to be in a relationship with you or to be with his children. It is up to him to earn this trust back. He needs to move his stuff out of your house. You need to establish ground rules about when and how he will see you or the children. He needs to suffer. And you need to stand by and watch him suffer. Because if he doesn't, he won't understand what the problem is with doing this again.

In your shoes, I think I'd tell him that you need time apart and you are considering divorce because you can no longer trust him. You've already said all the other stuff so why go through it again, he wasn't listening anyway. Just say it and keep saying it till it goes through.

On another note, now might be a good time to reestablish your relationship with your father. He made a mistake at a time that was probably very difficult and emotionally charged. Why not see if you can mend some fences there?

Bangton

What a lucky man..to behave this way and still have a person who loves him so deeply. What a shame he just doesn't realise and cherish it.

It's so easy to sit here and say end it but I truly believe that's what I would do. I think 16years together makes him feel safe...like you will always be there for him. Maybe it's time to look after you. Your hurting so much and are still in a relationship with him...I'd be considering whether it would cause much more hurt to finish it and leave him to his pot.
He has to want to change yet he doesn't even see what he is doing as a problem so how can he possibly dedicate time to changing if he believes it's ok?
You can't make someone change which ultimately means you have to decide whether you can live with the way they are.

On another point..people lie. Please don't take it to be an issue with you. Perhaps it's your significance that causes the lying...after all if he didn't think he would lose you why would your husband lie in the first place