My head says end it, my heart want to make it work

rising_from_the_ashes

Ohhhhh I really feel for you - my bff's ex-OH was an addict and so many things you've written strike a chord as it was the same things she used to say.

Oldfashionedgirl wrote: »

He really doesnt think what he did was a big deal. I asked him if he told his mates what he did and he said no, I hope that means its because he does know how awful it was and would be ashamed to tell people.

This will seem harsh but it's more likely that he didn't tell anyone to avoid comments like "she's got you under the thumb", "get her sorted" etc..... (sorry)

No matter how hard you try to make him see what he's done (some things have been awful) - until he sees that it's his drug problem that's causing the problem, you are fighting a losing battle I'm afraid.

It will always be your fault for "nagging" etc and that's the addiction - as others have said, he has another family .... if he can't even stay away from his pals on the first night of your agreement - he's not trying very hard is he?

If it were me, I'd be saying that I needed a complete break - for my sake but also for the kids sakes and that, once he's got clean (and I'd want proof of this) and has been clean for say around 6 months, then he could make contact ..... at that point it's up to you as to whether you a) believe him and b) if you really want him back.

You've spent years trying to do your best - time to think of your kids and yourself.

Oldfashionedgirl

I'm so unhappy i wish i could just make everything stop. i'm trying not to let the kids hear me cry. I know i shouldnt but i dig my nails into my arms to try and bring me to my sense and calm down. I keep thinking about him saying "bend over" - hes never used a phrase like that befor so i expect thats what his mates were saying last night.
I tried ringing my counsellor who i see every 3 weeks since mum died btushe answered her phone and without hear my voice said call back inan hour. I cant stop crying and shaking, its taking forever to type this. I feel such a bad mum letting my kids see like this and i have no one to turn to

duchy

you have 50 minutes before you can call her back.......you can do it-Have a long shower -or a bath -or attack some housecleaning task with real vigor to release the stress until you can talk to her -you CAN keep it together for the kids (and morning cartoons are meant for these situations) Hang on in there !

Or just keep talking to us on here

Oldfashionedgirl

Thank you for being so nice. I went for a walk to try and calm down. I spoke to my counsellor just now. SHe is really helpful and said I can call anytime, i know that i will feel down again. I go from pacing and crying to feeling exhausted. I hate myself for doing this and it is horrible for the kids cos even tho i stay in my room i know they hear me and when i come out they are all quiet and sheepish. DH is coming later to see us and I don't know how to be, I want to calm and in control but I also want to scream and cry at him. I can't believe he has started smoking again but ofc if I do that he will either say its no big deal or its my fault cos he has to live with someone like me.

Byatt

I know you believe that if you point out to him how he has hurt you and and your family and try and support him in giving up drugs, that he will realise what he has to lose and make the changes in his life that are necessary.

I know you are heartbroken, and in the process of grieving for the potential loss and you feel that if he only did this or did that, everything will be perfect.

However, you are grieving for a man who does not exist, likely never existed and who is nto going to change just because you want him to.

Whatever happens, you are going to hurt, you are going to grieve the loss of your marriage, your life with this man, but that does not mean you should not do what is right for you and your children. I can't tell you to leave him, that is something only you can do, but as someone who loved my now ex husband, I came to realise loving someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

You can make excuses for him and anticipate what he will say and try and fix this situation, but you cannot fix it. Only he can do that, and the bottom line is, he loves the drugs more than he loves you. You cannot love him enough to make up for that.

I hope you can make the right decision for you, but know it will be hard and will involve a lot of tears and regret...but that doesn't mean you should stay with him.

Where do you see yourself in a years time? If it is the exact same situation, think of the waste of your time and life. In that time you could have gone through much of the grieving process and be in a life that makes you happy and safe.

xxxxxx

Oldfashionedgirl

Rang my cousellor again and she has asked DH to come in and see her on Monday. She said he needs to cut out his friend form his life who is interferring. It isnt just with us, two of the other guys in the group have girlfriends and if ever they miss a Friday night get together he spend the whole evening running them down saying they are "!!!!!-whipped" "Bend over for the misses" etc Some people can laugh that off but it really gets under my DH skin. The guy who says this stuff is 50 years old, massively obese, has no job, never had a girlfriend and still lives with his mum. And my hub would rather keep smoking and abuse us than lose face with him.

pebbles88

hello Oldfashionedgirl,

have only seen this thread today. My heart goes out to you, i'm having my own problems with DH at present, although it's only us, we don't have children.

The people on these boards have been a lifeline for me, I too don't have many friends, I'm wary after being betrayed, but if it wasn't for these wonderful people on here, I would have been in a right state.

I always say only the 2 people in a relationship know the exact goings on. I can tell how much you do love your DH, so can only imagine how hard this is on you.

I hate drugs, they are so destructive, and make people very very selfish as its all they care about. even if they don't realise it

one poster said, think about where'll you'll be in a years time, or something like that, that struck a chord with me... I love my DH with all my heart, but even if we fixed it this time, I'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought what if in few months or a year, he goes again? The pain nearly killed me this time, and where I am now, to where I was then. is much much better, even though it still hurts.

I'm not meaning to hijack your thread, and yes your situation is more complex than mine. But maybe just ask yourself, what would a happy future mean to you? I've done a scary amount of soul searching, and still have no idea what I really want or would make me happy. But, just try give yourself a bit of time, to do things that YOU want, enjoy a cartoon day in pj's with your kids with the duvets downstairs, pamper yourself with some nice smellies etc. or even just go feed the ducks with the kids. Whatever makes you & the kids happy.

You are more than welcome to PM if you want/need, but whenever you need support, come on here and post. I just keep saying to myself when all paniciky (sp?) breathe & reboot, breathe & reboot.

I really hope things work out whichever way you want them too. big hugs xxxx

Biker_James

Oldfashionedgirl wrote: »

My DH has always been better to me than my family. I was 22 with a 3 year old son when we met and he totally accepted us, put a roof over my head where my dad had thrown me out of home when I was pregnant. DH paid for me to learn to drive and though he could be awful at times, he could also be really supportive when my family were being abusive to me.
His mum died over 20 years ago - I never met her but tbf she does sound a horror. His sister is coming over to see me tonight and drop a late birthday present in for our son. She is pretty awful too - I don't blame him for his attitude to them, but he thinks all women are like them. When ever we argue if I disagree he starts shouting "You expect me to bow down to you" which is laughable to anyone who knows me. In good moments he admits he knows i'm not like that but its like he goes on auto pilot in a row.
He is a massive part of my life and I really love him and need him. It is hurting me so much that he is doing this and blanking my messages. I am really struggling to cope here.

Hi there - i don't normally comment on others people lives or relationships but reading your heartache makes me want you to really think about things. Having been a relationship until quite recently, and having been betrayed by the person who i thought loved me more than life, your husband has made a choice in his life and as a grown adult, you need to make yours too. You have a responsibility to your children and they need to take priority over anything else. This man is a bully with a very serious addiction. You are not able to help him and you MUST leave this to the experts. By telling him you love him will only give him a further license to abuse you and your children. I can understand that you want to talk about things, but this has really gone too far and you must step back. You say above that he taught you to drive a car and that you can see why he doesn't 'get on with women' - so how long do you keep excusing him from his actions and how long do you have to keep repaying him for the driving lessons ?
I really wish you the best of luck darling and these people on here are truly life-savers - they saved me from going insane, believe me !
Jim

babymoo

Oldfashionedgirl wrote: »

This is so hard for me to face up to emotionally. I think people are right when they say it seems like i'm trying to make it work more than he is. I had texted him 3 times earlier saying we would all support him and help him get through his problems but he has to come clean and to contact us today - he didn't even respond.
It is true that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him in charge of the family, not that I think he would smoke in front of the kids, but he just doesn't take an interest in the family. At home he sits and watches telly, if you talk to him he wont even take his eyes off the screen. In the past when we went out as a couple to eat at the pub, he would buy a paper to read. Says it all really.

I have seen this several times over with my brother, unfortunately you can offer all the support in the world but if HE doesn't want the help or support and isn't ready to change then you are wasting your energy.

IMO get out while you can, I've seen first hand what someone addicted to drugs can do and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My ex SIL got out with my niece when my brother went back to drugs but only after he knocked her about. Dont wait for him to get that bad, I know you say he won't but he's already abusing you as it is, don't let it become physical. You and your kids are worth more than that.

Just a side note the attitude to women, my brother has that aswell. He only smokes with men and it's the women in his life that want him to come clean and start a fresh, his attitude is that he loves us but he has no respect for women at all. He has no reason to have this attitude but it comes out when he's been smoking. I got told 3 months ago that I shouldn't have an opinon as I am a woman. We don't speak now at all because I refuse to get sucked into his life and lies again, it hurts but I am better off for it. I know that it's a completely different situation to yours but it is not just your husband that is like this.

belfastgirl23

I just wanted to add - if he doesn't see his behaviour as a problem, then this is a much bigger issue than the drug itself.