My head says end it, my heart want to make it work

Oldfashionedgirl

Well its 4am and I went to bed thinking about this horrible situation, and I woke up still thinking about it and i'm actually feeling that I might throw up.
I keep thinking how much I hate his mate Tom for his b*tching and interfering, but I know that my problems aren't just down to Tom - i'm just trying to blame him rather than my DH. Tom is an nasty so and so for what he says, but my DH is the one who lets it get under his skin and comes home and takes it out on me and the kids.
And the lying to me - that hurts so much. On the one hand I have been very very down lately which has been stressful for him, so I can sort of see that going towards him "needing" a joint; but when i'm looking him in the eye on 3 or 4 occassions these last few weeks saying "You've been smoking" and hes say "No, no I haven't" well that is really hurtful. He was so cool lying in my face and still doesnt seem to appreciate how awful it is, yet he is someone who always says a marriage is built on trust - without trust it means nothing. I guess its one rule for me and another for him.

nhampson

Its human nature to deflect blame not only for ourselves but also for our loved ones on to other people. Now you have realised where the blame lies it will help you decide better where to go from here.

Until he accepts he has a problem and wants to deal with it there is little you can do to help him. Sadly this usually means hitting rock bottom first.

Keep a distance between you. You can only help when he wants to be helped.

The people on here are generally nice, helpful, from a range of backgrounds and with a wide range of experiences. If you need to talk, you are never alone here. If you need to expand on something with someone without putting it into the public domain you can always private message people.

Take care

duchy

Ultimately if it wasn't Tom it'd be someone else -Tom is simply his enabler.
I know exactly the kind of man you are describing and it is hard to understand why they have a "pull" for some people -but they do. They regard it all as a competition -and in this case the "prize" is your OH . Don't take it personally -Tom is a man with social problems who can't relate to women-and this is his power trip.

Oldfashionedgirl

I know I keep adding to this thread but I need somewhere to talk and it really helps to post here even if no one readsit.

I rang the drugline again yesterday and they said that the fact that on Friday within hours of saying he wouldn't go back to his mates house, he did, is very bad and shows no commitment. The guy said even at 48 (my DHs age) you can still be a victim of peer pressure. He said theres only so much I can do, the rest is up to my DH, but it sounds like things are at a stage where instead of thinking about DH, I should be thinking about what I want from life.

When I got off the phone it was 6am and I was getting in a state so rang my friend in Australia and she was really concerned. She ran through all the issues and we role played with me saying the sort of excuses my DH would say, and her telling me the sort of answers that any one in my position should give.

At 8.30am I went to my FIL house, let myself in and woke up DH and said we needed to talk. I was really calm and said all I wanted to and he listed calmly.

I said about Toms influence and how he runs down other couples and straight off DH was like "He doesn't do that" So isaid he does and not only has DH come how cringing about it, but I've been out with them and hear it myself. Then DH says "That was ages ago" so I said it was recently. He says "When? When was that?" so I said calmly it was within the last 6 months. All the time he's so defensive about Tom.

Then the subject of him lying" "Oh it wasn't exactly lying" It was a little lie" "I was only bending the truth" - So I said if I hadn't caught him out would he still have been smoking last week, this week, next wee? "Yeah probably" I said I hated that he had no qualms lying, no guilt. I said "I wish you had come to me the next day and said you had lied the night before and you were sorry and would stop smoking but you didnt, you had to be cornered before you told the truth" - its all no bigh deal to him.
"Well i've told you i'll try again. I won't make a mistake again because I know now how serious it will be" Well I told him that last time.

On his flipping out at me last week, well I made him angry (he says I called him a pr*tt, I'm sure I said Assh*le). He says he had taken jobs for the afternoon from 1pm onwards and I had told the woman at the garage I could pick up the car anytime until 2.30pm. I said "So rather than going mental, why when I got in tha car didn't you say to me to nip back in and tell her it had to be before 1pm?" Well apparently it's because I already knew (I didn't) and I was doing it deliberately to undermine him etc etc. I said "Don't you think you are a bit paranoid, which is probably also down to the drugs?" No ofc it's not that.

He listened at while not being sorry or remorseful in anyway at all, he was saying yes it will be better, he'd do it this time etc.

In the afternoon we took the kids to a museum and then he came back here for a takeaway. He didn't ask to stay over and left at 9pm. I said I'd ring later to say goodnight which I did at 10.30pm. It was more to check he hadn't gone out to his mates.

I woke up this morning feeling cr*p, I can't trust him. My head was spinning about a past incident when I thought he was off with another woman, all the signs were there, he swore he wasn't, he'd never lie to me etc. I was never sure what was true, tbh I didn't really believe him but our youngest was just 2 years old and I thought I would put it in the past and told him if he ever again thought he was up to that it was over. Nothing of that nature has happened again but now I know he lies to my face after making out he's so truthful, well its opened the old wounds again. He's lied now, maybe he was lying then. He said no he swears he wasn't having an affair, this is different, lying about a bit of puff is hardly on the same scale. But to me lying is lying. Ok I might lie about stuff like telling someone I like their new sofa when I don't - thats a little lie. Lying to your wife 4 times about smoking puff because you promised never to touch it again because it makes you violent and aggressive to her and the kids is a big deal. If he had admitted it when I asked and stopped, then he wouldn't have attacked me last week.

My head is spinning, I can't stop crying. Theres so much I want to say to him but either I get emotional and say it badly or he just says "OK i'll try harder. What more can I say?"

You know i've just realiesed what I want from him. I really want to see some remorse. I want him to understand what he has done, I want it to hurt him like its hurting me, i want him to cry and be scared and feel ashamed. To feel guilty and hate himself like I feel when Im stupid enough to have him back again and again even though hes hurting me. I just want to walk out of the door sometimes and fade away, never to have ever even existed.

Oldfashionedgirl

When my mum walked out on me when i was 14 it killed me and i confronted a years later and it was all excuses. After she died last year my sister rang around my dad and bro telling them lies about me and my dad believed them and him and my stepmum had a massive row with me. my bro didnt believe her but im not in touch with any of them now even though my dads tried to make up - i cant get over hime taking her side against me, better hed taken no sides. Now my DH has lied to me. No one cares, evryone lies to me , there nevcer sorry or feel bad. i must be such aworthless insignifigant person that everyone treats me like this

poorly_scammo

Oldfashionedgirl wrote: »

No one cares, evryone lies to me , there nevcer sorry or feel bad.

Then do what is best for you and your children not what is best for your husband or your father or your brother or the bloke down the road whom you've never met etc etc.

Loving someone isn't a reason for them to hurt you in this way. By making a stand you are saying to him, "I'm worth more than this. You're treating me badly and I can't accept it any longer."

Having time out from your relationship doesn't necessarily mean your marriage has ended completely. It might be the wake up call that he needs to tackle his problem because it is his problem and therefore he has to find a solution to it.

You need to think of yourself and your children right now.

babymoo

Old Fashioned Girl, at the moment you are his least priority, I know its horrible to read/hear and awful to accept but his main priority right now is his addiction and how he looks with his mates. I will never understand this mentality but I have seen it over and over.

You went and talked to him calmly and you were right with what you were saying to him and he is saying yes and telling you everything you want to hear but that is all it is because HE doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. This you cannot change, he has to do that himself. I honestly believe the best thing you can do is get on with your life for you and your kids, losing you will either shape him up and make him see that he needs help or you will realise that at the moment as much as he loves you, he doesn't care about anything but his next fix. It is a horrible position to be in I know.

I found that the more my brother smoked the better a liar he became and it drives me round the twist that my parents still buy his lies even though I can see through him. They believe he can change and believe him when he says he knows he can stop. I know he is just saying it because if he really wanted to do it he would have done it by now.

There is no easy way through this, you can't choose his friends for him and you can't stop him from taking drugs but you can stop him from making your life any worse. Do you get on well with your FIL? What does he make to what his son is doin?

*hugs*

nhampson

I think you need to decide what you want from him and tell him, there is little point discussing it as he will just say it will change etc.

Compile a list and put times on it (drug free for 3 months) for example

Let him know that if he can't achieve this within a certain time then you are going to file for divorce.

You don't say how old the kids are but you should make efforts so that he does see them still.


Easy to say but try not to get down. If you want to talk or a rant, come on here. Plenty of people who are happy to listen.

If you want to shout, swear and call someone names you can always PM me, I won't hold it against you and it won't get you banned from the forums!

Slinky

I've said it before to others, I'll say it again, OP when you were a little girl and you looked forward to what you wanted in live, was it a life like this?

You're worth more than this, and so are your kids.

Nobody dreams that one day they'll be happy with a man who will shout abuse at you in front of the neighbours, terrify you with their driving and lie about their drug addiction.

Get back your dignity, stop keep telling him you love him, hold your head high and walk away.

Thegirl

If you were my sister, I would have moved you and the children out and in with me by now for your own safety. I can only give you the advice I would give her and as bluntly. Leave.
You need to divorce him.
I speak from experience, I was married to a drug addict for three years.
He has been violent towards you and lied to you repeatedly. He has blamed both of these things on you and your behaviour, never taking responsibilty. What happens when he starts taking this out on the kids, will that be enough to make you leave? Or when he puts you in hospital, that enough?
Sorry to be harsh, but you really need to sit back and assess how dangerous this situation is for you and your family.