My head says end it, my heart want to make it work

paddy's_mum

Just out of interest, what do the 'hated' mother and sister have to say to you about all this incredibly cruel behaviour?

I'm afraid I'm with the others, including the professional people you have already consulted.

I'd just hate to think that misplaced loyalty would lead to you ending up dead in a ditch someday. Good luck.

Just_Plain_Jane

nhampson wrote: »

not sure that calling him an "!!!!!!" helps

I can think of a few more fitting words to describe him, but won't reveal them as I don't want to offend anyone.

OP, you need to stop dwelling on how much you think you love him and see him for what he is. Do you really want that as a role model for your kids? The possibility of him changing is remote, find yourself someone who respects and values you enough not to put drugs first.

Oldfashionedgirl

Thanks for all the replys i'm getting, it really helps to know there is someone out there listening. I dont have any friends around here, and my mum who I was very close to died last year. After there was a huge family split (money grabbing relatives) and now I don't have any contact with them anymore or ever will but thats fine with me tbh, we were never close.
My DH has always been better to me than my family. I was 22 with a 3 year old son when we met and he totally accepted us, put a roof over my head where my dad had thrown me out of home when I was pregnant. DH paid for me to learn to drive and though he could be awful at times, he could also be really supportive when my family were being abusive to me.
His mum died over 20 years ago - I never met her but tbf she does sound a horror. His sister is coming over to see me tonight and drop a late birthday present in for our son. She is pretty awful too - I don't blame him for his attitude to them, but he thinks all women are like them. When ever we argue if I disagree he starts shouting "You expect me to bow down to you" which is laughable to anyone who knows me. In good moments he admits he knows i'm not like that but its like he goes on auto pilot in a row.
He is a massive part of my life and I really love him and need him. It is hurting me so much that he is doing this and blanking my messages. I am really struggling to cope here.

paddy's_mum

Oh, dear - this sounds like the old nursery rhyme 'when she was good she was very, very good but when she was bad, she was horrid'.

I had one like this who treated me pretty poorly but the memory of the good times kept me holding on, hoping. In the end, I came to realise that I was always going to be the scapegoat for whatever was wrong or stressful in his life - my role was to accept the vituperation and punishment he handed out, although it took me a long time to realise it.

OP - what do you think is the 'it' you want to try to save? Does 'it' actually exist except in your hopes and memories?

I think professional help might be a way for you to sort out what really matters and help you go forward with strength and sureness about who and what you want in your life. Good luck.

somethingsgottogive

He is emotionally abusing you when he's taking/has recently taken drugs and he's now moved on to physically attacking you in the van. You're scared of him, he's an addict and he's only going to get worse.

As the child of a heavy pot smoker with anger and violence issues made 1000 times worse by the drugs, I can say without a doubt that you need to leave him NOW. He's physically assaulted you once already and you texted him afterwards to tell him you love him - therefore, he's been 'allowed' to do it once and it WILL happen again. Please don't put your kids through this anymore, there is nothing worse than having a parent you're scared of even saying hello to when you get home from school because you don't know if he's going to start punching holes in walls or screaming obscenities at you. He's too wrapped up in the drugs to see what he has become, and if you carry on 'accepting it' he won't ever change

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I really really KNOW that you will never be be in a loving, stable relationship with him unless he stops smoking, and I really doubt that he will if he knows that he'll get away with doing all of these things to you xxx

Stephb1986_2

My brother smokes pot when he doesn't have it he is truly awful when he's had it he can be as nice as pie for half an hour at the most.

He is a clever bloke but doesn't use it just sits around all day and blames everyone else for his misfortune instead of blaming himself. The only reason you see his mum and sister as awful is because he's told you that they are awful you should make your own opinion of them instead of just listening to him.

For aslong as he smokes that stuff he will continue to behave the same horrible way. You might love him but does he love you because at this moment in time he isn't showing it by going to his mates who he knows you don't like just to spite you he lies to you and behaves like an animal. If a friend came to you and said my husband smacked me across the face but he said I deserved it because I drove him to it so I must do you would agree with it?? This is the same sort of thing but mentally. You need to face it that he's a loser while he smokes this.

At the end of the day it's your choice to live like this. Non of what any of us say will make a difference.

Good luck

Steph xx

JoJoB

Emotional pain and dysfunctional family relationships are very often the foundation for future mental health problems and drug addiction. It is very possible that by living in the presence of an addict who physically and emotionally abuses their mother your children will grow up with similar issues. It is down to you to protect them from this and show them a different way of living, a different way of being and a different way of relating to each other. It is down to you to show them that this is not normal. Or else in 15 years time you may have more than one addict breaking your heart.

belfastgirl23

It seems clear that as long as he takes this drug you cannot be with him nor can you allow the children to be with him. Whatever else, you need to tell him very clearly that he has a choice to make, either you or the drug. My concern is whether he has done himself longer term damage - different types of cannabis can have different effects on people, particularly those who have underlying mental health issues, and I really hope he's not one of those people who ends up having longer term damage.

You aren't doing anyone any favours if you let this situation continue. Not yourself since he has already endangered you. Not your children since they are most likely aware of this already. And in the end not him either - if this is the effect that the drug has on him then for his sake as well you need to make it very clear that you will not accept this behaviour.

But of course it's easy for us to say from the sidelines. All I can add is that for the minute, the man you love is effectively gone. You don't know yet whether he will return or not. But you need to try to cut off in your mind and accept that whilst he is taking this drug, he is not the same person.

It is hard though, there is no doubt about that.

Wirenth

OP, you may love him, or rather, the 'him' that he used to be. But he's chosen drugs over you and his children. He's pickled his brain and the man that you lost your heart to does not exist anymore. Your heart is conditioned to loving what was, not what is. Listen to your head, call it a day and redirect your lives for the better.

Oldfashionedgirl

Just to update you.

Yesterday he called and first said he hadn't got my message on Thursday night (when I knew he was at his mates and said that it was over, divorce time) because his phones battery was flat. I said what about the 3 messages I had sent during the day asking you to come clean? He said he had got those.
He was saying "Well, what do you want me to say?" so I said "Telling the truth would be a good start" Then he went "Which is?" Its like he cant even come clean with me - I have to say it for him, so I said "Your smoking pot again!"
I got the whole "Well its only a bit now and then, I didnt think its such a problem"
I tried to do the calm even minded thing and say "Well it is, its no good for you" etc. He ended up saying "Well what can I say. I'll try again. I'll try hard next time. It was just a little lapse"

After I spoke to him I had a bath and was chewing it over and getting more livid. I ended up calling him back (i'm really bad at playing it cool) and said "You dont even apologise! You make it sound like no big deal - like you're a naughty little boy who got his wrist slapped! You dont understand how serious this is!"
I said stuff here people said here (saying it like I thought of it) about I could have been killed or someone else in another vehicle could have) and he just said "Well I will try harder."

I said I was really hurt that he just lied to my face all the time I asked him about it. He said he didnt want to upset me by admitting it. I said "If you didnt want to upset me you shouldnt have done it"

He always sees his mates on a Friday so I said asked if he was still going to do that. First he said he didn't know then he said he would. I said are you going to smoke, and he said no - he was going to tell them that he would do it anymore.

After I got off the phone I thought about what the FRANK drugline had said about he can still see mates but not in the same enviroment (their homes) because thats what makes people start again. I text him saying that and that they said he should only see mates in public places like the pub or snooker hall, so they cant pull out a spliff. I told him that they said that saying he was going around one more time to tell his mates is just typical excuses - it only takes one call to arrange a public meeting. He didnt reply so I rang him and said it all over the phone and he agreed he'd meet them somewhere else.

So at 11pm last night I rang.
"Where are you?"
"At Toms"
I was gutted "Why are you there? You're meant to be in a public place??" "Well we were, we went to the pub and then came back here to watch a movie"
I said this was a really bad start considering what we agreed, he said well I cant do anything about it now, so I said yes you can - you can leave. He said no. He said he wasnt smoking (and he didnt sound mashed actually) and his friends knew the score and were going into a different room to smoke, he had only gone there because when the pub shut it was too early to end his night. I said "Well you can use that excuse every time you meet in a public place! What will make it different next time?!"

He hung up on me and I really lost my cool. I was ringing his mates mobiles, Toms home line - no one answered and the DH called me. I asked him to leave again and he said I've done what you asked - he had gone to the drug unit and made a clinic appointment - how much more do you expect me to "Bend over" for you. I was going "What the? This isn't for me - this is for you?!"
Anyway we argued some more and I burst into tears and begged him to come here so we could talk. At first he said no, then he agreed.

When he came he said "We can work this out. I think its not as big a problem as you're making out, but I'll stop." He also asked twice when he could move back in, and I said not now. In my head I was thinking "I'm not sure I ever want that" and he left after about an hour to go to his dads (his mates live an hour away - i'm sure he wouldnt go back there again"

He really doesnt think what he did was a big deal. I asked him if he told his mates what he did and he said no, I hope that means its because he does know how awful it was and would be ashamed to tell people.

He really doesn't think he has a problem with drugs. He says he's not an addict, he just likes a smoke now and then. He can't see it from my point of view at all and I can't make him either. He has a group therapy session at the drug clinic on Thursday, followed by a one-to-one.

I went through my diaries last night and typed up a list of all the awful things he had done to us. I was thinking if he read it through it might make him realise how awful he is when he does drugs, and something might click into place. I haven't decided if its worth giving it to him - it will probably make him angry and he'll feel his being lectured, esp after his "Bend over" comment.