My head says end it, my heart want to make it work

Oldfashionedgirl

I'm really at a fork in the road with my marriage and I don't know what to do. I still love my husband so much and I want to be with him and make it work, but I think i'm fighting a lost cause and it scares me.

We have been together for 16 years and have 3 kids. When we met he did occassionally smoke pot which wasn't such a problem to me even though I don't smoke it. Over time he progressed to skunk - the stronger the better as far as he was concerned.

He had always had anger issues but it was usually about a horrid customer he'd dealt with or a driver cutting him up. Over time he started picking on me, I was useless, lazy, trying to control him, I wanted him to "bow down" to me. It was all untrue - he has real issues with women, he hated his mum (now dead) and hates his sister. He would never hit me but he would shout inches from my face and rush at me. He stood in the street outside our house sometimes screaming at the top of his voice that I was a b*t*h and a c*nt while me and the kids were inside and all the neighbours would look out.

I know most people would say I should have left then but it isn't just that he was a horrible person, he also has mental health issues. The kids and I love him and we didn't want to abandon him and give up.

One arguement got really out of hand. Just before Xmas 3 years ago I hadn't bought him and cola and he went mental and kept rushing and blocking me from getting away while he shouted at me. I called to my eldest to get the police and at that my husband grabbed me and tried to drag me into the bathroom - what to do I don't know, but I screamed like never before and he let me go and left. After that I said it was over.

A few weeks later he said he'd do anything to get back. I said he must give up skunk, go to anger management and get proper treatment. He did give up skunk and had counselling for 2 years and is now on Prozac. All has been much better - ofc there was odd rows, but nothing major.

Then the last 6 weeks I noticed changes. He has still all this time been hanging around with his mates who continue to smoke pot, but then he began coming back red eyed. I asked him if he was smoking again and he said no it was just cos he was in the room with them. Then a couple of weeks later he came back and when I kissed him he tasted of tobacco (he doen't smoke cigarettes). Again he denied it, and tho I didn't believe him I didn't want a row so dropped it.

But last week he went crazy again like he used to. I rang him on the Tuesday and said my car needed servicing on Friday, could he collect me from the garage and drop me back after and he was fine about it and put it in his work diary.
So come Friday I dropped DD at school and drove around to the garage where he was waiting, I left my keys with the service desk then I came out and got in his van and he said "So how you going to get back here later?" I said "Oh haha you know how i'm getting back" thinking he was joking and he was "No really - how are you getting back?" I said to him "Are you serious? We arranged this already" and he just blew up in a rant about how I just take it for granted that he will drop me off etc.

I said it isn't taking him for granted - we had arranged it and he never once said its a problem, in the last 16 years everytime I get my car serviced or he gets his van done, the other half always picks up and drops off, why are you trying to start a row and spoil a nice day? At this point we were driving along and he says "Well if your going to be like that you can get out and walk" so I said "Fine" and as he pulled up at the lights I went to open the door and get out and he goes "Don't be silly, i'm just joking" and starts to laugh.
Then the minute the traffic starts moving again he starts shouting "I have to go to work and you just sit on your !!!! all day reading" (i'm a SAHM and part time student) So I said just stop and let me get out and he raves on and I burst into tears and as the traffic halts I go to get out (we were in the kerb side lane) and he grabs me and drags me across towards him and at the same time turns the wheel and drives across the lanes infront of other moving cars and starts screaming "You f**king b*tch!" again and again.

I was really frightened and crying "Just let me get out" and he was shouting and swearing, then as we turned a corner we stopped in traffic again, so I swung the door open and got my feet on the kerb but hadn't got my bum up from the seat, when he accelerated off. I just fell staggering from the car really shaken up. I started to walk home and half way there he pulled up and was shouting "Get in" butI just ran off.

When I got back I waited a few hours and text him saying I love him and never take him for granted but his behaviour was unacceptable. Straight away he rang and was all defensive saying it hadn't been like I said. I said this convosation is going nowhere and hung up. I packed his clothes and meds and dropped them at his dads and his been staying there since.

Today I rank the FRANK drugline who said he can't get red eyed and taste of smoke from sitting in a room with his mates. She said if he wont accept and deal with his problem I need to make my own life. I also rang Womens Aid who said basically the same thing.

I know the sane thing is to end it. I really hoped we had got over the problems these last 2 years but his exploded last week made me think nothings changed. The kids didn't even ask where he was until he had been gone 3 days. Tbh he never has much interaction with them anyway. But we do still really love him. I want it to be happy and better, and for him to conquer his demons but I am thinking it will never happen and i'm really scared of him blowing up again.

RacyRed

Oldfashionedgirl wrote: »

The kids didn't even ask where he was until he had been gone 3 days. Tbh he never has much interaction with them anyway.

That sentence says it all and you know that already, don't you?

Horace

I think it is time to leave - he will never change and it isnt fair on you or your kids to live on tenterhooks never knowing if he is going to lose his temper over a minor thing.

System

I know you want to make it work but it appears that he isnt as keen on making things work as you are. If he was he wouldnt go back to smoking the stuff would he?

i'm really scared of him blowing up again.

and whilst your scared he will still have power over you.

Think of your children. Do you want them to grow up seeing Daddy 'go off his head' and think its normal? I can assure you that is what will happen if he doesnt change and continues to live with you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Jeez. Most guys I knew that looked and went like that certainly weren't smoking a couple of spliffs - it sounds more like speedballing heroin and crack.

Crystal meth can make people incredibly aggressive, too.




Either way, he could quite happily have killed you and several other people (in the other vehicles - any babies or toddlers in the cars?). And he's scared you before.


does he have to kill a bunch of other people on the road - or you - before you realise what you are risking?

dorisday

just remember actions speak LOUDER than words.

thorsoak

You've done your best to make it work .....he isn't. Sad - but true.

It would appear that now is the time to be really strong - if you love him, let him go. If he loves you, he will sort himself out - and then you can talk about him coming back. But if not - think of the example he is setting to your children - its okay to shout and swear and be violent to a partner? You obviously don't want that to be the message that they subconsciously take from your marriage, do you?

It's time for tough love, I'm afraid .

sarymclary

It's time for you to stop thinking about how much you love him, and want to make your marriage work, and put your children's safety first.

This man is a danger to your children, whether you can see that, or like to admit that or not.

Consider this: if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow, would you feel confident that your husband would raise your children in complete safety, and never indulging in smoking pot again, or would the fact that you aren't around make it easier for him to indulge? Maybe his friends could all come round to his house then, and they'd all be doing it around your kids. If you weren't around, who would there be around for him to take his aggression out on?

The mere fact that despite having sought help previously, he has gone back to smoking, proves he has an addiction problem. He might not be able to admit that to himself, but the sooner you wise up to that, the sooner you can take appropriate steps to put yourself, and your children in a safer home situation.

Your children have no choice over the environment they live in, so if you are placing them in an unsafe environment, what does that say about you as a parent?

Take it from someone who lived with someone with an addiction problem (despite him providing a very comfortable home/lifestyle for me as a SAHM... but oh didn't I have to be grateful at times!), but there came a point where I had to put my poor children first, despite me wanting to make 'a go of my marriage' (again). There was always going to come a time, the older they got, that they were going to say the wrong thing, or get caught in the cross-fire. I couldn't allow that to happen, and neither should you.

I wish you luck. Dig deep, take a deep breath, and make the bravest decision you've ever had to make.

You've already spoken to 2 agencies that offered you good advice. Take it.

cottonhead

If you hae been together 16 years how would you look back at it if it ended today ? Would it be worth saving if you could get your husband back to normal ? If so then have a chat with him somewhere away from home that is neutral to you both and in a public place but quiet enough you are not overheard. I would suggest trying to find out what is troubling him becauase although his behaviour is way out of order there could be something that has sparked this change. Depression springs to mind. Perhaps he is agitated and so turning to the drugs to 'relax' ? perhaps the anger is just frustration at other things all pent up. I could be wrong but 16 years of marriage wasted might be a mistake too.If he is depressed and treatment would help its worth a try. Having said that you should never have to tolerate abuse. Either he gets is sorted you yes you should find the strength to leave.

Jerryjerryjerry

Its easy for me to say, but if it were me? i'd leave.

When children are involved, i would always say - make it work. Do everything you can. However, in this case, it looks as though by staying with him will only harm your children's future.

Either way, its a very very sad situation. I'm sorry to read of your awful troubles and I feel so sad for the children. Good luck and I hope you have the courage to leave.

Gigglepig

Will he agree to go back to counselling and regular drug tests? If not.... well....