Homelessness at 34 weeks pregnant?

euronorris

iKennett wrote: »

I must have missed the part where the OP said she had been thrown out by her parents.

She hasn't been failed by her parents, she's failed herself and is doing very little to help herself.

Or, perhaps she was failed by her parents a long time ago during her upbringing. If she doesn't know HOW to get herself sorted and setup, then it's her parents who are to blame for that one.

I understand that the situation isn't ideal, some stupid mistakes have been made, and no one wants to see another family relying on government handouts indefinitely. But....I don't think it is at all constructive to just sit there and have a go at the OP for mistakes made in the past.

What matters now is the future. I gather that the OP is feeling quite lost and overwhelmed by all of this. So would I be at 18! Whilst having sex and creating a child SHOULD be treated responsibily, as adults, the reality is often different (we all know that. People make mistakes, especially when it comes to being a teenager with raging hormones). The consequences can be overwhelming, particularly to an 17/18 year old girl who is receiving next to nothing in guidance from her or her boyfriend's family. And no, just saying 'get a job and get your own place', is not enough. They don't know where to start. This is a STEEP learning curve, and can only be helped with some practical guidance. They just require enough guidance to get her, and her family, onto the right track so that they won't have to rely on handouts forever and can become self sufficient.

FWIW, yes, accidents do happen with contraception. I was on the pill at 17, and fell pregnant. I miscarried. After that, my doctor changed my pill, and we used condoms as an extra form of contraception. It happens. They allow for it when quoting the effectiveness in their literature (99.9% effective - when used correctly - but not 100%!). It just so happens that I was the 0.01% where the pill failed me (on that occasion). Condoms alone though (which many teenagers rely on), have a success rate of 98%- when used correctly, and this drops to just 60-80% when used incorrectly.

I've since moved onto the non hormonal IUD as the pill started to give me migraines. So also bear in mind that not all forms of contraception are suitable for all people.

OP - It's time to sit down and write a plan of action for the things that need to be sorted. You can start this with just some bullet points of the major things, and then drill down into the detail further down the page. For example, somewhere to live can be point number 1. The drilldown can be: B&B offered temporarily by council. Own flat/room in a shared house is preferred. Can we afford that here? Can we get somewhere cheaper if we move a little further afield (but still close enough for your bf to get to work)? Are there any friends and/or family who could accomodate us short term? Will the offer of rent mean we are more likely to get a positive response from them (undoubtedly, yes)?

You can then take it from there.

Now, your tax rebate - what exactly is happening there? Have you completed any forms yet? What is the situation with your bf's tax? Is he due anything?

Finances - Have you created a budget? If so, have you popped it on here for advice on how to cut it down/make things cheaper? Heck, this is all new to you, so it's worth doing it for the advice of what you may need, but currently haven't got, alone (example - contents insurance).

Work - Will you be going to work after baby is born? If so, who will care for baby whilst you are at work? Can you afford that? Or would an evening job suit you better, so that your bf can look after baby whilst you work and vice versa?

You've already had some excellent suggestions on feeding yourselves both cheaply and easily when in a B&B (if it comes to it).

And, very important, do not neglect the need for an effective form of contraception after the baby is born. The last thing you need is to find yourself pregnant again. There are several options out there for you, but you should consider which one is best for you. FYI - Having an IUD inserted (either hormonal or non hormonal), removes the need to remember to take a pill.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

The only difference is that 40 years ago, the OP and her BF would have got married pretty sharpish. Then a young married couple looking for their first home together, having lived at the inlaws would have been perfectly acceptable.

They would have been eligible for council housing and would most likely have had no problem finding private accommodation either.



Strange how harsh people are on young couples when it was perfectly normal behaviour - to fall in love, have sex and have babies, albeit married rather than to live together - until only recent years.



OP, it is possible that you will be in a b&b - but it is also possible that the council is doing something very common - tell you that you'll be sent to a grotty room miles away from everything in the hope that will weed out some of the mums-to-be, as the thought of it makes sure they suddenly make up with their parents or find somewhere else. So when you go there and present yourselves as homeless, they may be able to produce a one bed flat/bedsit on the day.

Get yourself into the Mum and baby groups/surestart/whatever as you will get to know other girls in the same position and women who have done it all before - you can get lots of advice that some posters here would not approve of, but will help you to get yourself and your baby somewhere safe to live.


And much as you won't like the idea, make sure that you put yourself and the baby above your boyfriend. It is possible to still be together 50 years later from getting together at 16/17, but it's not very common. Be practical. You are going to be responsible for that little one from now on, so you have to make the decisions rather than waiting for other people to make them for you.

I hope that getting out into the big wide world and not being someone's child anymore will be the best thing you ever did.


Good luck and welcome to adulthood.

Amanda65

I've commented on and kept an eye on this thread, and also gave advice on the thread 14 weeks ago about how the OP and her OH might help themselves - none of which she appears to have taken on board. In addition the comments about looking for somewhere to live being quite a lot of effort and having to live on takeaways seems to indicate that she has little grasp of how tough life is and no concept of cooking / budgetting skills.

I suggested several posts back that maybe she and her OH could sit down with OH's parents and have a discussion about how everyone can move forward but OP hasn't come back since then (hopefully nothing is wrong and she is just getting on with things). I am a parent who could probably be accused of mollycoddling my children (now 20, 18 and 16) and would not be best pleased if my 17 year old son brought his 17 year old non-working pregnant girlfriend home to live but hope I would support and guide them.

Back to the OP, I repeat that I think you should sit down with OH's parents (she said in an earlier reply to me that relations with her mother aren't great and her mum is now with a partner she dislikes) and ask for their help for maybe the next 6 months and say that in return you will pay housekeeping (small sum to be agreed) and do some cooking / cleaning in lieu of 'rent' to enable you to save and that in that time you will save like crazy (stop buying things from new the baby doesn't need - you don't have the luxury of doing that) and spend your time trying to find somewhere to live. Who knows, if you present them with sensible plans, they may, just may, agree to it.

cord123

This thread has really made me laugh! So from 18 (or when you have a baby) your parents aren't responsible for you? You dont expect any help from your parents? Never borrow money from them? Or ask for childcare from them? etc
Yes, they are young, yes, they are pregnant by accident, and yes they are homeless.
She may have come on here a few weeks ago but she is here again.
Surely the point of this is to help her and if she comes back next month, help her then. At 18 I would have been devastated to be pregnant. She is at college, her OH is working so are trying their best given the circumstances.
I got pregnant by accident at 22 am I stupid? As someone else said, many people commenting here probably claim tax credits, i dont - does that make me better than you? No, because personally, I think you would be stupid to not claim what you are entitled to.
OP, I hope all goes well and that you get some help and advise that is actually useful! xx

euronorris

I really hope that it is just a grievance between the OP and her bf's parents, which can be resolved fairly easily. That would be the most ideal, temporary, solution. Not to mention any advice/guidance from his Mum, about the baby, will be invaluable in those first few months.

OP - Where is your father in all of this? Can he perhaps offer you a room temporarily? Or assist in some other way?

Swans1912

euronorris wrote: »

Or, perhaps she was failed by her parents a long time ago during her upbringing. If she doesn't know HOW to get herself sorted and setup, then it's her parents who are to blame for that one.
Maybe her parents gave her a bit more credit and thought she wouldn't be so foolish as to get herself into such a mess in the first place? I hardly think you can blame the parents for her actions. Having sex = risk of pregnancy - not exactly rocket science is it?

I understand that the situation isn't ideal, some stupid mistakes have been made, and no one wants to see another family relying on government handouts indefinitely. But....I don't think it is at all constructive to just sit there and have a go at the OP for mistakes made in the past.
She is not listening to any of the advice that is being given to her - what do you expect people's reactions will be then?

FWIW, yes, accidents do happen with contraception. I was on the pill at 17, and fell pregnant. I miscarried. After that, my doctor changed my pill, and we used condoms as an extra form of contraception. It happens. They allow for it when quoting the effectiveness in their literature (99.9% effective - when used correctly - but not 100%!). It just so happens that I was the 0.01% where the pill failed me (on that occasion). Condoms alone though (which many teenagers rely on), have a success rate of 98%- when used correctly, and this drops to just 60-80% when used incorrectly.

Yeah, sorry but that doesn't really wash. If you REALLY don't want to end up getting pregnant then you either abstain, or you minimise the chances of getting pregnant as much as you possibly can. I really do not want a baby right now, so to make sure I don't, I use both condoms and the injection. It would be VERY unlikely that both forms of contraception would fail - it's got me this far anyway!
The OP hasn't even mentioned whether her pregnancy is due to contraceptive failure so I don't know why people keep talking about the fact that they fail...

Replied to some parts in bold above.

Dunroamin

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

The only difference is that 40 years ago, the OP and her BF would have got married pretty sharpish. Then a young married couple looking for their first home together, having lived at the inlaws would have been perfectly acceptable.

They would have been eligible for council housing and would most likely have had no problem finding private accommodation either.

.

In many areas, even 40 years ago, there would've been plenty of young couples who would've been waiting for a very long time. They'd also be expected to be paying their rent themselves and certainly wouldn't have been living with parents rent free!

euronorris

Maybe her parents gave her a bit more credit and thought she wouldn't be so foolish as to get herself into such a mess in the first place? I hardly think you can blame the parents for her actions. Having sex = risk of pregnancy - not exactly rocket science is it?

Parent - singular. There has been no mention of her father so far. Only a mother she doesn't have a great relationship with, and the mother's boyfriend who she doesn't get on with.

Oh, of course, my mistake. Everyone just automatically knows how to prevent pregnancy. No need for sex education in schools folks - it's not needed apparantly. Don't be so silly!

As her parents, it is their responsibility to ensure she knows about all of the associated risks with regards to having sex, and the various ways to prevent them happening. As well as how to recognise that things aren't quite right (spotting mid cycle when on the pill can be a sign that it is not the right pill for you and may be ineffective for example), and what to do to address that.

Her mother may well have done that. She may not have. We can't assume either way.

And anyway, I was actually referring to the wider implications of the OP not knowing what to do, how best to address the situation, and what questions she should really be asking. Her parents ARE responsible for not educating her in these valuable life lessons so far, and it is therefore also their responsibility to step up and provide that education now, rather than just leaving her to it.

She is not listening to any of the advice that is being given to her - what do you expect people's reactions will be then?

We don't know that she's not taking the advice. She hasn't specifically come on and said 'Oh no, I'm not doing that because of x, y or z'. Maybe she has taken the advice, but she hasn't updated us on it. Maybe, she's finding all the negativity a bit overwhelming and therefore not expecting anything else but negative comments to be posted, so has b'ggered off. She's 18, she's still learning, and she's still making mistakes (just like everyone else). Maybe she's even talking to Shelter now.

As for people's reactions. I have no control over it. But what I do know is that just having a go at her isn't going to help. It's more likely to lead to her abandoning the thread entirely.

Yeah, sorry but that doesn't really wash. If you REALLY don't want to end up getting pregnant then you either abstain, or you minimise the chances of getting pregnant as much as you possibly can. I really do not want a baby right now, so to make sure I don't, I use both condoms and the injection. It would be VERY unlikely that both forms of contraception would fail - it's got me this far anyway!
The OP hasn't even mentioned whether her pregnancy is due to contraceptive failure so I don't know why people keep talking about the fact that they fail...

Assuming that is, you've had the benefit of decent sex education. Plus, it is not unreasonable to expect someone to rely on a contraceptive that is 99.9% effective. That IS, imo, minimising the chances of getting pregnant significantly. It would be very unlikely for 2 forms of contraception to both fail at the same time, but not impossible, nor unheard of (given how often condoms are often used incorrectly).

I will always recommend using a condom with anyone you intend to have sexual relations wtih though. Unless you have both been tested for STI's, and proven to be clear of them.

As for the mention of unplanned pregnancy - I think this has come up as it is highly unlikely that an 18 year old would plan to have a baby. The Daily Fail would have you believe that millions of them do, just to secure a house/benefits etc, but that just isn't true. (yes, I do recognise that there are a handful who, mistakenly, believe that it is a decision which leads to an easy life)

ognum

I commend the posters who have been sympathetic and understanding to the op, let us not forget this could have been us and may still be our children or grandchildren.

It is easy to jump up and condem after an event, so much more difficult to give constructive help and advice.

Having worked with the homeless I can honestly say most of us are just a couple of bad breaks away from not having a roof and the people we would usually turn to in this situation is our family.

For young people who don't have family support the going is tough, by the sound of it the OP has little.

Think back to when you were 18 were you really that perfect or did you just get away with it?

OP I am sorry you are in a difficult situation, try a conversation with your partners family, go to the citizens advice and talk to social services.

You probably will not be given the type of home you want but then all of us could probably say we want something bigger or better to live in thats just life.

Try to take advantage of any voluntary services if you don't have Internet access go to the library, talk to your GP and health visitor Good luck to you, your partner and your baby.

euronorris

OP - There are some useful links, and information here: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/teenager-pregnant.aspx

Others have already suggested Shelter, but here is a link to the specific section of their website aimed at young parents:

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/finding_a_place_to_live/young_people_leaving_home_and_finding_a_place/young_parents