Relatives who are expecting too much!

hermanmunster_3

I really don't think anyone (other than the tax man) can tell someone how they spend their money. If you say you can't afford to go to the wedding then I am sure the world will still be there afterwards - it will not disintegrate. Some relatives EXPECT you to so things as it helps them to maintain their world in a defined way ...
"we ALWAYS go to x and they do a meal",
" EVERYONE is coming to the wedding"
"we show people we are a united family"

The brother is showing his own insecurity in expecting you to do things for him / travel for the wedding always be there for his family etc.

Savvy_Sue

londonsurrey wrote: »

I'm sure that you love your wife, and she's a nice person. But it looks as though your problem might be with her.

Either she mans up and tells her brother like it is, or she's the one actually allowing all this spending of effort and money in an effort to keep up with the Joneses/her brother.

I think that the first person to talk to is your wife. Leave aside the question of the meals / reciprocity, does she WANT to go to this wedding? If she does, does she think that you can afford to go, as a couple or just her? (unclear if there are children!) If she doesn't, would she like you to say "we're not going", so that you are the one 'to blame'?

Of course there are other reasons for not going to a wedding abroad: can't get the leave from work, can't take the children out of school, as well as can't afford it.

ognum

I think you are not compatible with these people and if they were not your relatives they would not be your friends.

I have a feeling you feel a little overwhelmed by them and you need to simply explain your situation. No unpleasantness, simply say that financially you cannot afford to go.

As for the meals, well peoples ideas of perfect entertaining are different, you like a home cooked spread, they like to buy it in. Neither is better they are just different.

Please just try and talk both to your wife and to your brother in law, sensible conversation is the answer to most things. In fact don't just talk listen as well!!!

andygb

Thanks for the replies folks, a lot to think about.

andygb

ognum wrote: »

I think you are not compatible with these people and if they were not your relatives they would not be your friends.

Absolutely 100% correct, they are the direct opposite of what my friends and myself are about. None of the people I know crave constant attention or are particularly materialistic, they are all very down to earth. We don't have to have the latest trinkets to keep us amused or happy, and we would not dream of boasting about where we had been or what we had done.

andygb

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I think that the first person to talk to is your wife. Leave aside the question of the meals / reciprocity, does she WANT to go to this wedding? If she does, does she think that you can afford to go, as a couple or just her? (unclear if there are children!) If she doesn't, would she like you to say "we're not going", so that you are the one 'to blame'?

She does want to go, definitely, and she knows full well that we cannot afford this at the moment. She also agrees with me that they have constantly taken liberties with us.
I have also told my wife, that if we ever entertain them again, then we will do exactly the same as them - buy rubbish, cheap buffet food from the basics range at our local supermarket. If they want something to drink, then they can bring it with them, because I am fed up with half a dozen working adults rocking up at our "restaurant", expecting to be wined and dined, and only bringing one cheap bottle of plonk between them.

xxdeebeexx

WE had a similar situation except it was a Christening abroad. They were DH friends/family...... He went and I stayed at home with the boys. We all had a fab time.

If your wife is keen to go, there will be other members of her family going, couldn't she travel with them?

just a thought

dx

emweaver

andygb wrote: »

They are quite well off, and think nothing of telling us (showing off) when they go to a decent restaurant (the Ritz or other top London establishments).
They are just greedy, selfish people.

To me, it sounds like you're just jealous.

Penny-Pincher!!

We have cut all contact with OH's family and my sister. Best thing we've ever done and wish we'd done it ages ago!

andygb

emweaver wrote: »

To me, it sounds like you're just jealous.

Not jealous at all, because we have been there and done that in better times, it is just that we would not dream of boasting about it, particularly in front of people who we know are going through a bad time, and more particularly not in their house, when they have made us very welcome.
I am not a very materialistic person, and do not do envy or jealousy, because I can find pleasure in quite simple things.