Relatives who are expecting too much!

POPPYOSCAR

It could be worse- at least you get invited even if it is only for a buffet!!

I do understand where you are coming from though. For years we have entertained others and it is rarely reciprocated. They even invite themselves over saying they are coming on such and such a day and what is for dinner?

When we would visit them we would be lucky to get a sandwich.

It got to the point like you, where we just said to ourselves enough is enough and did not want to do it anymore.

Now when they invite themselves over we say we are busy.

My OH has told everyone in the family that if they get married abroad, we will be very happy for them but we will not be attending.

floss2

andygb wrote: »

No, we have not received an invitation, they just keep asking us where we are staying - they EXPECT it.

Just say that as you haven't yet received an invitation or a save-the-date, you haven't booked it as you weren't sure that the bride & groom wanted you there and don't have the funds to go anyway.

Steel_2

Andy, if I were you I would consider taking your OH away one Christmas and leave them to fend for themselves. They're getting a free feed up at your expense, probably while playing the family card to make your OH feel guilty. It's surprising how many people play the "but it's a family time when we all get together" card but never reciprocate. Call it what it is - lazy selfishness.

As for the feast business, I'm a bit like this too. To my mind if someone comes to my house I'll not be knowingly undercatered and I'd be embarrassed to think someone could leave my house hungry! But one of my husband's friends will occasionally insist on hosting a christmas meal for 9 or 10 people and then serve trays of tiny iceland party nibbles, which are in no way sufficient if you tell someone to come over for a full christmas meal.

If you're lucky you might get a nibble from each tray if her and other friend's children haven't demolished the lot first, but usually we get very little to eat. We've have had to stop at a service station to eat on the way home before, although now we're prepared and put some sandwiches etc in a coolbox for the two hour journey home.

She'll say she's been too busy to cook that day, unfortunately usually a micro-second before producing a tray of these bloody party nibbles, when she's been talking about doing a full meal for everyone for weeks before.

If party nibbles are your style, fine. But at least tell people you'll be just serving nibbles so they can eat something substantial before they get there and not make them go from 6pm until midnight (and that's not including the four hour round trip drive) on some soggy !!!!!!!g mushroom vol-au-vonts you've substituted at the last minute after promising a lavish meal that the cast of Braveheart would cheer at. :mad:

And she wonders why we always suggest going out to a restaurant when we come down...an offer which is unfortunately always refused for said lavish meal.

Alibat

Have you considered that as your wife is so good at cooking that they might find it intimidating to cook for her? I'm an absolutely rubbish cook, and no matter how well I got on with someone I considered a good cook preparing a meal for them would get me worked up into a right old state.

CH27

Your OH is the problem not your inlaws.

She chooses to cook feasts & invite them over.
If you can't afford the wedding say so.

gingin_2

Alibat wrote: »

Have you considered that as your wife is so good at cooking that they might find it intimidating to cook for her? I'm an absolutely rubbish cook, and no matter how well I got on with someone I considered a good cook preparing a meal for them would get me worked up into a right old state.

I have this, not that I proclaim to be a brilliant cook, or an extravagant one, but someone one who likes to cook for others and I know it gets MIL into a right flap when she has to cook for me. It's embarrasing to see her get herself into a state that goes on for the whole day and usually ruins the atmosphere of the meal ( not that I am saying you would be like that Alibat ).

We have over 50% of our family and friends living abroad and have missed many important weddings, including my brother and best friend. We just can't do it as a family of four and have got used to having to turn down invitations politely.

lostinrates

andygb wrote: »

They are quite well off, and think nothing of telling us (showing off) when they go to a decent restaurant (the Ritz or other top London establishments).
They are just greedy, selfish people.

So, their circumstances are different. Also, if this culture is to provide as your wife does (i would argue its a trait found aeound the world) her brother has obviously not embraced this trait or he or his wide would do the same.

I have some sympathy, our family live all over the show, we chose not to go to a close relatives wedding a few years ago, and this year will not be there for the birth of dh's first nephew or neice and i know that hurts his brother, but our priorities are different from theirs, they cannot make us go, and we cannot make them have the baby in the uk or europe!

Good luck finding resolve. Fwiw i think the 'bad guy, no money' routine is a good one to not cause bad feeling between you wife and her family.

Alibat

gingin wrote: »

I have this, not that I proclaim to be a brilliant cook, or an extravagant one, but someone one who likes to cook for others and I know it gets MIL into a right flap when she has to cook for me. It's embarrasing to see her get herself into a state that goes on for the whole day and usually ruins the atmosphere of the meal ( not that I am saying you would be like that Alibat ).

I probably actually am, apart (hopefully) from the ruining it bit.

picnmix

I would say what you choose to cook and serve to visitors to your house is your choice and decision. I wouldn't moan that I only got "x,y,z" in return. That is their choice and decision what they serve. I love to cook for visitors, and when we visit them am happy to get anything, I am there for the company not the food.

As far as the weddings/overseas trips are concerned I come from a very large extended family and have never travelled abroad for one of the many weddings/hen parties etc that have been invited to, have just said politely "sorry not able to go".

meritaten

I do see your dilemma andy, but I think you are blowing it out of proportion a bit.
Its up to your wife if she slaves in the kitchen to produce a 'feast' - she doesnt have to - she 'chooses' to do so because she enjoys it. and enjoys seeing people enjoying her cooking (I understand that bit because I am very much the same - FOURTEEN people for Christmas Lunch!) I just cant say no, because its the kids and grandkids! not sure I would invite bro and his wife - I dont think I could compete with the posh restaurant they usually go to!
In the case of weddings abroad - Fine if someone wants to marry on their honeymoon - but why on earth they want all the inlaws there I cant fathom! I cant afford it either - so they are just wished all the best and informed we are not coming 'we cant afford it'!
So, agree with Mrs Andy that you will be the bad guy and put your foot down with BIL. Just say NO!