Relatives who are expecting too much!

londonsurrey

I spent decades being emotionally manipulated, by my mother and my in-laws. It takes a while to get your mind round it, but once you learn to stand up to the monsters, they start shrivelling in the sunlight.

andygb

lostinrates wrote: »

Like your wife op, i cook, and i cook expansively, for visiting friends and family. Others in the family don't cook.....i would not expect them too.

Your wife and i could adapt and serve frozen sausage rolls or pizza, but i don't think it would make us any happier, so we have a choice, keep doing as we do, or change ourselves. You cannot really expect others to change, their circumstances and outlooks are different.

They are quite well off, and think nothing of telling us (showing off) when they go to a decent restaurant (the Ritz or other top London establishments).
They are just greedy, selfish people.

londonsurrey

andygb wrote: »

They are quite well off, and think nothing of telling us (showing off) when they go to a decent restaurant (the Ritz or other top London establishments).
They are just greedy, selfish people.

Why are you bothering with them? The fact that you can ill afford to makes the case for not bothering even more compelling.

arbroath_lass

andygb wrote: »

Your last point is absolutely ridiculous, because I could not care less where they go to get married, they should not expect other people to spend £thousands following after them.
You would have to be in their company to realise the pressure which they are putting on my wife.

Surely they've INVITED you because you are family and you'd be offended if you weren't. Most people getting married abroad do not expect a lot of guests to come but it would be RUDE not to offer the opportunity.

andygb

arbroath_lass wrote: »

So she says no, we're not booked. Sorry we've looked but it is too expensive. Not sure how you would expect them to know if you've always gone AND you keep feeding them "feasts".

We went on one, around five years ago and it cost the best part of £4K, and they still wnated to know why we did not buy them a wedding present.
The "feasts" are indeed that, really good home cooked food, which takes hours of preparation.
They know the effort which goes into this, but as I say, some folks are just selfish and greedy.

andygb

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Surely they've INVITED you because you are family and you'd be offended if you weren't. Most people getting married abroad do not expect a lot of guests to come but it would be RUDE not to offer the opportunity.

No, we have not received an invitation, they just keep asking us where we are staying - they EXPECT it.

LandyAndy

andygb wrote: »

My wife agrees that they take us (particularly her) for granted, but she feels obliged because it is her brother. He is well aware of our financial situation, but keeps asking her if she has booked up yet (which we have not yet done).

londonsurrey wrote: »

It's up to your wife to say "No, we can't afford it".
At the moment, she's left her brother wondering why she's leaving so late to do so.

IF the brother then responds with "You're really selfish to not spend the money on the tickets", THEN he's being a boorish git.

andygb wrote: »

That is exactly what I think he is. He is well aware of our situation but is using emotional blackmail to try to force her to tag along.

Why don't you take the initiative and ring him and tell him you won't be going because you can't afford it. Don't leave it to your wife, who is clearly finding it difficult, help her out.

andygb

londonsurrey wrote: »

Why are you bothering with them? The fact that you can ill afford to makes the case for not bothering even more compelling.

I know, if it was just down to me, I would simply say that we cannot afford it, and say that we hope they have a great time.
It is however my wife's brother (whose daughter is getting married), so it is not quite so simple.

londonsurrey

andygb wrote: »

We went on one, around five years ago and it cost the best part of £4K, and they still wnated to know why we did not buy them a wedding present.
The "feasts" are indeed that, really good home cooked food, which takes hours of preparation.
They know the effort which goes into this, but as I say, some folks are just selfish and greedy.

Why didn't you get them a wedding present? I went to a wedding of a family member who worked in the City. The wedding list was basically the components of a dinner service, the cheapest item of which was £45.

I was a student living on £15 a fortnight for groceries, washing powder included in that (always a downer when I had to get it, as it was £4 a box!). Anyhow, I digress. I got them a nice "bonsai" for £10, as it was all I could afford. The bride thanked me very prettily for it. Make it about your wishes, and your best effort, and allow them to accept you as you are. Don't simply let others dictate the pace, do nothing to mitigate it, then blame them.
If they don't like it, well, the relationship isn't going to go well, is it?

JC9297

Are you saying that it is your wife's brother and family, including grown up children? It does seem a bit of a cheek to bring the married daughter, her husband and children along as well (unless your wife specifically invites them of course). However I do agree with the previous poster that said it is your wife's choice to cater in the way she does, you should not expect others to do the same - as long as there is enough food to go round the hosts do not have to spend hours preparing it.

I don't think people should choose to marry abroad and then be surprised or offended that others don't want to spend their limited finances or annual leave to join them.