Relatives who are expecting too much!

LandyAndy

andygb wrote: »

I know, if it was just down to me, I would simply say that we cannot afford it, and say that we hope they have a great time.
It is however my wife's brother (whose daughter is getting married), so it is not quite so simple.

Actually it is that simple. They are asking you to do something you can't afford. Suppose they asked you to do something that would cost, say, £50k?

londonsurrey

andygb wrote: »

I know, if it was just down to me, I would simply say that we cannot afford it, and say that we hope they have a great time.
It is however my wife's brother (whose daughter is getting married), so it is not quite so simple.

I'm sure that you love your wife, and she's a nice person. But it looks as though your problem might be with her.

Either she mans up and tells her brother like it is, or she's the one actually allowing all this spending of effort and money in an effort to keep up with the Joneses/her brother.

podperson

They expect it because that is the way things have always been and the way you and your wife have always behaved. If you want things to change then you need to stand up for yourselves and say 'sorry, we can't afford to come' or next time they come round 'we've just made a buffet this time, we've been a bit busy this week and we always think how nice yours are'. Yes, they might complain a bit at first - they will be used to the way things are and it probably suits them - but if you stick to your guns then they will have to adapt.
You may consider them rude and selfish but at the moment you are allowing them to behave this way towards you by putting up with it.

BitterAndTwisted

You think they are selfish, inhospitable and greedy. I can't imagine why you are wasting your life worrying about them. You can't afford to go abroad, so just don't go. And if you don't think they are returning the compliment appropriately when they invite you round, stop inviting them. God Lord, you're supposed to be adults. So start behaving like adults. It's really not difficult but you're making it so.

euronorris

andygb wrote: »

I know, if it was just down to me, I would simply say that we cannot afford it, and say that we hope they have a great time.
It is however my wife's brother (whose daughter is getting married), so it is not quite so simple.

We have a similar issue with OH's cousin getting married this year. It is in the UK, but in Battersea, and we've been invited. We can't really afford it (well, we could at a push), and we are both in danger of losing our jobs, so we don't want to spending loads of money right now.

We told his Uncle, and the reasons why, and offered as a wedding gift, half of the money it would cost us to attend (which is over 200 quid might I add)! But the Uncle is throwing a paddy and trying to insist we go! I've never met this guy, let alone his son!

So, we're just standing our ground, and I suggest you and your wife do the same. He's not happy with us right now, but it'll blow over. Unfortunately, he's now focusing his attention on my MIL (his sister) instead. We've advised her to take a similar approach to us.

When he puts the pressure on, you could always suggest that as your attendance is so important and you don't have the money, they can pay for you!

thorsoak

andygb wrote: »

I know, if it was just down to me, I would simply say that we cannot afford it, and say that we hope they have a great time.
It is however my wife's brother (whose daughter is getting married), so it is not quite so simple.

But it is down to you ...you are the one complaining that you cannot afford it - be a man and tell them! Then they can blame you, not your wife.

It seems to me as if you are making excuses for not telling them - in my book, its a case of put up or shut up!

arbroath_lass

You will not change your BILs behaviour. All you can do is change your own or how you react to it.

From the way you are carrying on I'm beginning to wonder if all these weddings are abroad in the hope you WON'T go.

euronorris

I also think it might be good for you to play the 'mean' role here. That is what I have allowed my OH to do. He wasn't entirely comfortable in telling him, as he was expecting a bad reaction, so I told him to just blame it all on me when he complains. Which he has (cos I don't give a flying monkey's if his Uncle is upset with me!). I think the Uncle must realise he hasn't got a strong argument as he hasn't tried to contact me directly to get me to change my mind.

I couldn't understand why he was so adamant we were there either. MIL said it is because there aren't many family members from his side of the family attending (due to distance and money, they all live in the West of the country). Who cares how many are from his side, and how many are from hers? More keeping up with the Joneses nonsense.

sassyblue

'We'd love to go but we cannot afford it this year sorry, things are really tight at the moment.'

That's all you need to say, if he gets arsey you turn it on him and say 'why is that a problem for you?'

Saying no is really easy once you try it. I do think you should do it and not your wife, will you be in their company together any time soon, best time to do it if so.

silvercar

They probably think that you prefer to cook rather than spend out on a take away, whereas they are happy to spend the money on a take away.

Unless you explain things to people they often don't understand where you are coming from.