How have I upset my friend?

xxdeebeexx

Brighton_belle wrote: »

She invited her friend to join her at an exhibition - that was the trip out and they both apperaed to have enjoyed that. The lunch was a spur of the moment 'let's have a bit to eat, my treat'.
In the friend's position, I would have thought 'how lovely someone thinks that much of me they are happy to use their vouchers on me, not just themselves'. I would also assume, going out with a friend with school age children, we would have agreed an end time to our 'date'. That is how normal, kind considerate friends treat each other, not getting offended or 'feeling dumped'. Even less so, knowing this was the OP's first treat trip out for ages and had had a tough time with sick parents too.
Any time I spend time with friend with kids I expect to accomodate to their timetable - and am very happy to do so. My friends really appreciate that i understand this - to me it is easy and apart of being a good friend as well as valuing the time I do have with them.

Thank you for your kind post, Brighton belle, that is exactly how it should have been.

dx

londonsurrey

Edwardia wrote: »

However I do think inviting someone somewhere, paying with LVs and then dumping her to get home to the kids is bad manners

I do think that this is generally very true, especially for a new acquaintance, a distant elderly aunt or business meeting.

However, if it's a longstanding friend, they'll know of my predilection for vouchers and discounts, and if I mention a time constraint, it's bad manners on their part to simply ignore my prior commitments and object that I'm actually keeping my commitments that I'd warned them about.

Actually, I've just come from attending the exhibition at the Curve at the Barbican. The friend I went with was in a wheelchair, and noticed that I was stepping on the coat I'd taken off. We both knew that it was only a matter of time before I would do it again, and she offered to put it on her lap.

Then, as I bent to examine an object, my hair, which is below waist length, dangled over some things, threatening to knock them over. She drew my attention to the fact, and I withdrew my hair.

Yes, I'm a klutz. My longstanding friends know that. I don't expect them to be surprised or shocked.

If it irritated them, it would be silly for them to go out with me, because they know I'm a klutz!

Antimony

I've read through all of this thread and would like to offer my opinion (as I don't think it's been posted/considered). You clearly come across as a very kind, thoughtful person. Even where posters have suggested how you may have upset her, you've taken it on board and are trying to apportion blame on yourself.

Your 'friend' knows you well after all these years, so she knew how you would react to her phone call (she knew these 'home truths' would upset you - so her intention was to deliberately do so). From her point, she possibly sees a near-perfect, much loved, family-oriented person. You left the cafe as you needed to be home for your sons - a reminder that you have family. The Wembley trip - same thing. She's the 'outsider'. She witnessed a couple of excited lads (anyone would have recognised that situation - even if you'd set out earlier, they'd still have been running ahead). So - I think it's (at least partly) jealousy, she sees what you have and is trying to find fault. Is this the first time she's brought up the Wembley trip? Or did she appear miserable at the time? I suspect she didn't. She probably brooded over you leaving the cafe/exhibition (for family) early and tried to justify her feelings by pondering over former times where your family have featured.

I'd be interested to know if your family appear in other 'home truths'?

Mojisola

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

The last few months/years of caring for mum and dad has worn me down and maybe I was more sensitive than I should have been.

I think there could be some truth in this though Edwardia.
She likes to "Talk" usually over a hot drink...... and I messed up! She was irritated that I had to leave for the children even though we had talked about it before our day out. She mentioned it during the telephone conversation.

You sound like a lovely person, deebee, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If you were talking about your OH here, rather than a friend, warning bells would be sounding about an emotionally abusive relationship.

Take back a bit of your own power from her - she was unkind to you when she didn't help you out ordering coffee and she complained that you were leaving to go to your children, even though that was the prior arrangement.

I wouldn't be excusing her behaviour by thinking it was my fault.

elvis86

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

My Dad always found coffee 'out' too strong for his taste, he used to drink weak instant at home. What should he have been asking for on the rare occasions he had coffee 'out'?

Firstly, my two penneth' RE the coffee.

Starbucks generally serve filter coffee in addition to Espresso-based drinks (eg Cappucino, Latte etc), so anyone wanting a "regular coffee" should order that (they brew different blends on a rotation basis, usually a blackboard behind the counter will say "Now brewing - Pike Place/Christmas Blend etc")

Where filter coffee isn't being served, your best bet is an Americano, which is Espresso (highly concentrated coffee, for anyone who is really clueless!) and hot water.

Savvy_Sue, if your dad had found filter too strong or it wasn't available, he could have asked for a "half-strength" Americano (ie with half the amount of Espresso, more diluted).

As for the OP's predicament; I can't see that you've shared what the nature of the "home truths" actually was? I can't help but think that perhaps the coffee thing is a red herring that you are focussing on too much (perhaps because the "home truths" are difficult for you to address?).

Mildly throwing your toys out of the pram at the waitress's unhelpful attitude (though this was maybe understandable), and bemoaning the price of a coffee may have irritated you friend, but I can't believe that a friend of 34 years would flip her lid quite so spectacularly purely because of that?

If she raised no bigger issues and it really was just the coffee incident that infuriated her; then you should congratulate yourself for managing to avoid upsetting this unhinged woman for 34 years, and move on!:rotfl:

Buffythedebtslayer

I am really very surprised that any friend of 34 years would behave in such any awful way to their friend who has ill parents and kids = VERY busy and stressed. I mean really who in the face of that gives a !!!! about bloody coffee?????

It would have been so lovely to see you (am now thinking about my best mate, six kids and 0 time) that I would have had a laugh about the coffee and not given a toss how you paid or probably paid insisting that you sit down for the first time in months and have someone make a fuss of you.

I know it is painful to lose a friend, but she is a very odd friend to be blunt.

Good luck xx

euronorris

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I am really very surprised that any friend of 34 years would behave in such any awful way to their friend who has ill parents and kids = VERY busy and stressed. I mean really who in the face of that gives a !!!! about bloody coffee?????

^^ This! I'd be insisting on paying for them, and letting them relax for the day.

As for getting upset about being 'dumped', so the OP could go and collect the kids??? She needs to grow up! Sounds a little possessive to be honest! She knew about this, so what was the problem?

Nope, sorry, even her 'home truths' are not the real reason behind her rants. Something else is at play here. And I suspect it is nothing more than being jealous of the time that OP is spending with her family, and not with this friend. It is understandable to most people, but I'm not so sure it is to her. Perhaps she has always been a bit possessive over her friends, and usually got her own way (with regards to seeing them), so the OP's recent unavailability has pee'd her off? (don't apologise for that OP - IF it is the case, it is her problem, not yours!)

And good God! I had no idea that coffee had become so complicated! I'm not a coffee drinker, so to hear all these different terms is completely baffling. I don't know why they don't just have a 'regular coffee' option on the menu, for those who aren't clued up. There's bound to be a fair number of people who don't know to ask for an Americano, or something or other 'wet' (as I saw someone else mention in another post). It's just baffling.

elvis86

euronorris wrote: »

And good God! I had no idea that coffee had become so complicated! I'm not a coffee drinker, so to hear all these different terms is completely baffling. I don't know why they don't just have a 'regular coffee' option on the menu, for those who aren't clued up. There's bound to be a fair number of people who don't know to ask for an Americano, or something or other 'wet' (as I saw someone else mention in another post). It's just baffling.

To be fair, any barista (ie. coffee-server ) worth their salt should be able to recommend a beverage if a customer can describe what they want. I've worked in Costa and Starbucks and never had a problem when (frequently) asked for a "normal coffee". Sounds like the waitress the OP encountered was a bit of an unhelpful b!tch.

Bemoaning the choice and cost of coffee "nowadays" is just another thing for miserable old g*ts to uneccesarily get their sani-pads in a twist about.:cool:

poet123

elvis86 wrote: »

To be fair, any barista (ie. coffee-server ) worth their salt should be able to recommend a beverage if a customer can describe what they want. I've worked in Costa and Starbucks and never had a problem when (frequently) asked for a "normal coffee". Sounds like the waitress the OP encountered was a bit of an unhelpful b!tch.

Bemoaning the choice and cost of coffee "nowadays" is just another thing for miserable old g*ts to uneccesarily get their sani-pads in a twist about.:cool:

I don't think Euronorris is that much older (if older at all) than you;)

Mojisola

elvis86 wrote: »

Bemoaning the choice and cost of coffee "nowadays" is just another thing for miserable old g*ts to uneccesarily get their sani-pads in a twist about.:cool:

Hoi, where's respect for your elders gone? :rotfl:

I must admit the coffee that we pay these prices for bears no resemblance to the sometimes ghastly brown liquid that was sold under the name of coffee!