a fathers responcibilty to his kids

pinkshoes

killiebabe wrote: »

pink shoes im sorry but ur advice is not practical jus now ... giving up a good goverment job to become unemployed how will this benefit his son with no income to provide for new home etc...

Excuses excuses!

Pathetic!

His ex is asking for physical support, not money. Rent a 1 bed flat and take a factory job. A child is far more important than some cosy government job.

thatgirlsam

coolcait wrote: »

I don't think we actually know what the child's mother wants. All the discussion appears to be between the grandparents (who seem to be the primary carers) and the father.

What we have been told is that the primary carers have asked the parent without custody to 'take' the child more often.

The OP and her OH have taken a leap forward from that point, and are talking about having main custody.

We don't actually know if the primary carers would reject that option now. They did previously - but that was at a point where they felt they could cope.

There is a huge difference between emigrating and moving to another part of this island nation. We tend to forget that. Just as we tend to forget (or never knew) that people in larger countries would roll about laughing at the idea that a few hours travel time was an insurmountable obstacle.

A few hours yes - the OP said it is a 6 hour journey, so 12 hours round trip.. thats a long time. Unless they fly, then they might as well be abroad

Be quicker to get to Spain

balletshoes

The child is 5 now yes? So he is at school full time now?

That being the case, and with the physical distance between the 2 parents homes being 6 hours, I'd imagine its only going to get more difficult to have regular access that suits everyone. The little boy could come to stay with his Dad in his school holidays (all of them, so 13 weeks per year) but would his Mum and grandparents, who he lives with, be happy with that? Would his Dad be able to arrange his leave etc to cover all that? Is that the kind of support his Mum and grandparents need?

I do the 6-hour drive "home" every couple of months, its tiring for me, and on the rare occasion that I drive up one day and back to Notts the next, I'm wiped out.

Theres too many ifs whats and hows that should be sorted out between the Dad and Mum (and grandparents if they are the ones actually caring for the child), before theres any need to uproot the child - although who knows (no-one at the moment) that might be the best thing for him in the end.

sulkisu

coolcait wrote: »

I agree with you. I have seen many a thread of the type you mention, and many a comment along the lines of 'mum is entitled to get on with her life and live where she wants'.

I have seen that type of reply in threads where the mum wants to move to be with a new man, but the children don't want to go. Even then, you get the 'mum is entitled to get on with her life' comments. With a seasoning of 'mum knows what's best for her children' and 'better for the children to have a mum that's happy'. And the occasional trenchant 'mum can't allow her children to dictate the way she lives her life'.

[N.B. None of the above is a verbatim quote - just illustrative examples of the type of views on other threads]

You do also get posters who point out that the children's needs should take priority, and that that mum needs to consider that too.

This thread, for me, is unique in not having the 'mum/dad is entitled to move on with his/her life' type of comment as a response.

I'm not sure whether that's because:

- the parent who has moved on with their life is the dad
- the parent who has moved on with their life left the children behind
- the parent with custody is disabled
- a combination of the above
- none of the above

In threads where posters have taken the view that a parent is entitled to move on with their life, and take the children with them on that journey, there is also a view that 'children adapt'.

That view is further expanded to include the theory that 'the younger they are, the easier it is for them to adapt'.

I find it interesting that neither of those theories have made an appearance on this thread.

Just wanted to post to reassure you that you are not the only one who has noted the stark contrast between this thread and others about similar subjects . I'll respond to the main topic separately.

Point taken, but that is only really relevant if there are people who have posted differing views on both threads - i.e if a particular poster has said one thing on one thread (where the circumstances were exactly the same), but have changed their view on this thread simply because it's a man. People post on threads that they feel strongly about or where they have a particular view. Those posting opposing views on other threads won't post here because they feel differently - if that makes sense.

Mojisola

sausageface wrote: »

So only 7 times in 12 months? And you wonder why the grandparents are saying it should be more often?!

That sounds like most of the school holidays to me.

FatVonD

OP, the son of one of my parent's friends has a child whose mother has moved a good few hours drive away. He books a room at a Travelodge near to where the boy lives, travels up for the weekend and they both stay overnight there then he travels back the next day once he's dropped him back.

IMO this is what your partner could/should be doing once a month at least to provide some respite care for the grandparents. They have asked for some support in easing their current situation, not to have the child uprooted to the other end of the country.

Mojisola

killiebabe wrote: »

my partner and i constantly, phone asking for holidays that we can have the child in advance as english holidays are different from scottish 1s.

If you look on the website of the county his son is living in, you should be able to find the school holidays listed well in advance.

Some schools have their own websites and you will find even more specific information there.

Does your OH get all the information that goes home from school sent to him? If he supplied SAEs, the school would send them on to him. Does he speak to his son's teacher?

Mojisola

FatVonD wrote: »

OP, the son of one of my parent's friends has a child whose mother has moved a good few hours drive away. He books a room at a Travelodge near to where the boy lives, travels up for the weekend and they both stay overnight there then he travels back the next day once he's dropped him back.

IMO this is what your partner could/should be doing once a month at least to provide some respite care for the grandparents. They have asked for some support in easing their current situation, not to have the child uprooted to the other end of the country.

This is a really good idea for an instant solution. It will also give your OH the opportunity to see how difficult the situation is at the house and give him a chance to build a relationship with her parents.

Do her parents realise that their daughter could be having carers coming in to help? They have to think ahead to when they really can't manage through age or die. What would happen to their daughter and grandson then? It's far better for his ex to build up some independence from her parents.

sulkisu

My view, FWIW is that when a relationship ends, (no matter how or why it has ended) both parties are entitled to move on, even if that means moving away. However, the sticking point for me and I suspect for some of the other posters, is a combination of the fact that his ex has been disabled by stroke, the child is so young and he moved so far away. I'm not suggesting that disabled parents cannot be competent parents but she clearly isn't coping and if it were me, unless there was a really reliable support network in place (not just a couple of aging grandparents), I would want to be (relatively)close by just in case, especially in those early years.

FBaby

Surely the only issue here is about whether the mother can care for her child or not. How did the OP and her partner jumped from a possible issue with caring for the child to which they don't even know the extent of to deciding that the child should move with them I really don't know. There are many avenues to be explored in between. I get the feeling that they are taking this letter from the grand mother to do what they've always wanted to do -have the child with them-without the guilt of taking him away for their own benefits. To start with nothing is going to happen unless they come to an agreeable arrangement with the mother or go to court to show that it's the only solution got the child. Considering a judge's priority is always to unsettle a child as little as possible the priority will be to see what support the mother can get so she can continue to look after her son.let's not forget there is an 18 year old sister who might have other priorities at the moment then look after her brother but might much more willing to be involved if they start threatening to take her brother miles away.