Smacking. Could you/would you/do you?

jayII

anguk wrote: »

I guess it depends on the individual then? I've asked my two grown up children, my daughter can't even remember the one occasion she was smacked and says she would have hated the naughty step and is glad we never used that as a punishment, my son can remember being smacked and said he was surprised he wasn't smacked more because he deserved it! :eek:

Thankfully neither of them have any issues and don't feel like I violated their basic human rights. And believe me they would say if they had a problem with it, my son says when he was a teenager he thought we were too strict about not being out late, who they could hang around with etc but understands now why we were strict about it and thinks we did the right thing. And they know that there's no "supposedly" about the love I feel for them.

I wonder if it actually depends more on the other behaviour that can accompany the smacking. I don't smack but I have no issues with parents that do, (provided it is within reason that is, but I don't think that precept is exclusive to anti-smackers).

But, from my observations, there seems to be a higher tendency towards poorly controlled anger in parents that do smack. I am not saying that all parents that smack have anger issues, but we all know that many parents do smack in anger or the heat of the moment.

I wonder if it is the overall feeling of being in the hands of an out of control adult, rather than the actual smack, that traumatises children?

I was smacked many times as a child, given a good hiding with a belt a few times and I certainly feel traumatised by it all. But in my case my parents, particularly my dad, were pretty hot tempered people so the punishment was accompanied by anger and shouting. It took me many adult years to learn not to shake when confronted by verbal aggression, let alone physical threats. :eek:

In my case I will never know if it was the physical punishment, the anger or both that has left me emotionally scarred, but I will never subject any child in my care to out of control anger or to physical chastisement. It is incredibly important to me that they feel safe with me on all levels.

Buttonmoons

I've never smacked (or clipped or tapped or whatever you want to call it) DD (6) don't intend to, don't need too, and I would hate to think I had caused her pain.

She doesn't really need telling off very much either though, guess I'm lucky.

Mrs_Imp

janninew wrote: »

I bet in a few more years the naughty step method will be deemed to be a cruel punishment for children!

Indeed. Just as smacking 'teaches children that violence is ok', the naughty step will 'teach' children that if someone doesn't do what they want them to do, then it's ok to isolate and ignore them

There's a number of people saying that smacking teaches violence, followed by a number of people who say that they hated being smacked as a child and they would never smack their own children. Surely then, smacking has discouraged smacking, not encouraged it.

I say, don't judge my parenting methods until my child is an adult. Then look at what kind of person they are and whether we're still sane

bright_side

My stepfather gave me a wallop on my backside when I was about 10 for calling him a rather vulgar name that only comes from my mouth as an adult when someone cuts me up He never did it again.......because I never dared give him reason too!!

euronorris

Caroline73 wrote: »

I think a mother giving a child who bolts across a road a slap because the mother doesn't like reigns or is unable to maintain their safety is barbaric.

I think that's a bit of an extreme term to use here. I was only smacked twice as a child. Once for swearing at a friend's house when I was 4/5 (you can blame my brother for me learning that word so young! lol), and the other incident was where I had insisted on running ahead of my mother in a carpark, after we'd been shopping. I was running up the stairs, despite her requests for me not to, got to what I thought was the 2nd floor (it wasn't, it was only the 1st! lol), couldn't find the car, and she didn't appear either. After about 15 minutes of crying, and my Mum frantically panicking that someone had taken me, she found me. I got a swift smack accross the back of my legs for that one. I gave her such a fright, AND I had disobeyed her orders.

I am not scarred by either incident, and I was a well behaved child (the majority of the time). Rather, I learnt that there was a boundary I shouldn't cross.

OH, on the other hand, received regular smacks from his Mum, and a LOT from his Dad (far too much IMO) and he was quite an unruly child and teenager. They lost their effect on him and his brother, as they were metered out far too often, and their Dad would rarely explain what it was for. If they asked, they'd get another smack. That is completely the wrong way to do it.

IMO, smacking in extreme cases, rarely, and done correctly (ie not too hard, and followed up with explanation straight away) can be effective. But I also think it depends on the child, and for some, smacking would have a very negative impact (ie, the behaviour could get worse, rather than better). So each parent has to figure out what works for them and their child.


And I'll probably get flamed for that opinion. But it is my honest opinion, and I stand by it.

Person_one

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

There's a number of people saying that smacking teaches violence, followed by a number of people who say that they hated being smacked as a child and they would never smack their own children. Surely then, smacking has discouraged smacking, not encouraged it.

There are far more saying 'I was smacked and it never did me any harm'.

If it left you thinking it was ok to hit children, then I'd argue that it did!

elvis86

jayII wrote: »

Maybe I'm reading the thread wrongly!

As I read it, the majority of the pro-smacking posters seem to be incredibly defensive about their right to smack

jayII wrote: »

I personally get defensive when Im called a child abuser :mad:

This ^

I'm not even a parent yet, but I object to others attempting to make me feel like a criminal for being open to the possibility of smacking my children should I deem it necessary. I also object to my own (brilliant, loving) parents being branded as child abusers. But then, I'm funny like that..:cool:

victory wrote: »

I never took the moral high ground. Stick to the facts, not your assumptions, I said clearly I was, I said even more clearer that I never have smacked, slapped, attacked, walloped or whichever interpretation you wish to add to a simple 'clip here and there' over 18 years that can be counted on one hand so on that basis it could be maybe once every 3/4 years, I also asked my kids this question do they remember the clip? Neither of them do, so no damage caused to their future development, so no, I have never smacked my kids.

Most contradictory post ever?!

The only thing that is "clear" about that post is that you're so desperate to be in what you see as the more acceptable camp (presumably to glean approval from others), that you claim to have never smacked your kids in the same paragraph as you admit to giving your kids "a clip here and there".:D

You claim to have never smacked your kids on the basis that you only administered "a simple clip here and there", and your kids don't remember it?

"A clip here and there" is all that I (and I suspect anyone else defending a parent's right to smack) think is acceptable. Nobody is advocating habitual beatings.

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

That's what my parents would say too, but that doesn't mean that I don't have issues with the smacking I received. My parents violated my basic human rights. You just don't do that to people you supposedly love.

If you honestly believe this, then I think there are bigger issues in your relationship with you parents.

Perhaps they administered more than the occasional smack that myself and others are defending a parent's right to administer, or perhaps they failed you as parents in other ways.

Because I was smacked occasionally, but I have never doubted for a second that my parents love me. I've certainly never felt "violated" by them.

Caroline73_2

euronorris wrote: »

I think that's a bit of an extreme term to use here. I was only smacked twice as a child. Once for swearing at a friend's house when I was 4/5 (you can blame my brother for me learning that word so young! lol), and the other incident was where I had insisted on running ahead of my mother in a carpark, after we'd been shopping. I was running up the stairs, despite her requests for me not to, got to what I thought was the 2nd floor (it wasn't, it was only the 1st! lol), couldn't find the car, and she didn't appear either. After about 15 minutes of crying, and my Mum frantically panicking that someone had taken me, she found me. I got a swift smack accross the back of my legs for that one. I gave her such a fright, AND I had disobeyed her orders.

I am not scarred by either incident, and I was a well behaved child (the majority of the time). Rather, I learnt that there was a boundary I shouldn't cross.

OH, on the other hand, received regular smacks from his Mum, and a LOT from his Dad (far too much IMO) and he was quite an unruly child and teenager. They lost their effect on him and his brother, as they were metered out far too often, and their Dad would rarely explain what it was for. If they asked, they'd get another smack. That is completely the wrong way to do it.

IMO, smacking in extreme cases, rarely, and done correctly (ie not too hard, and followed up with explanation straight away) can be effective. But I also think it depends on the child, and for some, smacking would have a very negative impact (ie, the behaviour could get worse, rather than better). So each parent has to figure out what works for them and their child.


And I'll probably get flamed for that opinion. But it is my honest opinion, and I stand by it.

I didn't expect people to like my use of the word, so don't worry. I just know that's how I would feel if I ever hit one of my children.

I've managed 20 years of parenting without smacking and can't imagine a need to ever do it.

Sambucus_Nigra

elvis86 wrote: »

Because I was smacked occasionally, but I have never doubted for a second that my parents love me. I've certainly never felt "violated" by them.

Do you think that when they were planning to have a child, they were also planning to smack - or just that it came naturally once you had been 'naughty' and they then had no other option and it came to them in a flash?

BJV

Originally Posted by elvis86

Because I was smacked occasionally, but I have never doubted for a second that my parents love me. I've certainly never felt "violated" by them.

Could not have put it better!