Smacking. Could you/would you/do you?

Person_one

Plushchris wrote: »

I'd say you could be a lot rougher and do more harm/damage by grabbing them than a light slap on the bum..

I can remember my dad grabbing me to try and stop me falling off my bike when I was learning to ride, it wasnt anything to do with punishment at all but it left a bruise where he grabbed me, I dont ever remember so much as a mark from a slap..

Fair enough grabbing them to stop them running into a road (as in your case) but, as you would say, wheres the line? Is grabbing them and taking them to the naughty step ok?

Can't you see the difference between possible pain caused as a side effect of getting someone to safety and pain deliberately inflicted as punishment?

Even if being pushed out of the way of an oncoming vehicle leaves you grazed and bruised it beats being run over! However, when parents choose to smack they aren't doing so to avoid worse physical pain. Nobody ever saved a child's life by administering a 'light slap on the bum.'

elvis86

Person_one wrote: »

Elvis/Fang, will you tell the surrogate mother who carries your baby that you intend to smack it as it grows up? I think you ought to.

mishkanorman wrote: »

i would say its none of the surrogates business how they parent the child, in fact no aspect of how they parent would be discussed with the surrogate as its nothing to do with them ?

Person_one wrote: »

Nothing to do with them? Really? So you think they should just be a hired womb with no interest in the type of home they are sending their child to (yes it is their child until its adopted by the new parents.)

There's a woman on here who's been a surrogate who I'm pretty sure would disagree with you!

mishkanorman wrote: »

No, thats why you have several meetings to check suitability with each other before embarking on such a journey, are those meetings supposed to be getting permission for all the things you may or may not do in the next 18+ years of parenting ? No.

Its not the place of the surrogate to think of that child as 'theirs' at any point, otherwise the parents would always feel that child was never truly theirs and that goes against the whole point of surrogates.

Person_one wrote: »

Not permission, but the fact that you plan to smack is important information, it should be disclosed at those early meetings. There are lots of people who wouldn't hand a baby over to a couple who were ok with smacking.

mishkanorman wrote: »

then those people shouldnt even consider being surrogates, they arent 'handing over' a baby - they are agreeing to carry to term a baby that is in some way genetically the parents child.

Thank you mishkanorman, I can't see as the fact that myself and other posters may end up having a child via surrogacy has anything to do with this. Person_one obviously ran out of reasonable arguments.:cool:

I'm not upset that someone has felt the need to trawl my previous posts in order to fuel their argument, rather than sticking to the subject under discussion. However, I'm pretty sure that a woman who has had to have her child(ren) via surrogacy would be quite upset to read that and be told that she somehow has less rights as a parent than a woman who is able to carry her own child.

elvis86

Person_one wrote: »

Can't you see the difference between possible pain caused as a side effect of getting someone to safety and pain deliberately inflicted as punishment?

Even if being pushed out of the way of an oncoming vehicle leaves you grazed and bruised it beats being run over! However, when parents choose to smack they aren't doing so to avoid worse physical pain. Nobody ever saved a child's life by administering a 'light slap on the bum.

Nobody ever killed a child doing that, either. Though you'd possibly have us believe otherwise..:cool:

marleyboy

Person_one wrote: »

Not permission, but the fact that you plan to smack is important information, it should be disclosed at those early meetings. There are lots of people who wouldn't hand a baby over to a couple who were ok with smacking.

On the same token, there are lots of parents who would. I would have no issue with my Son getting a clip around the ear from the school disciplinarian, much as my parents did not object when I got the strap, the slipper or the cane at school, back in the good old days when children learned to behave at school.

Parents do not make PLANS to smack children, as any parent would want their children to be good mannered, well behaved and loved.

I have no objections to parents who don't smack their children, as long as it works for them and the children are well behaved. Of course you are entitled to THINK it is wrong to tap your child if needed, just as we are entitled to THINK it isn't.

My family have never had no issues in tapping their children throughout the decades, none of us grew into violent criminals as a result, who cannot distinguish the difference between violence and discipline.

Most parents will do what they think is right for their children, in order to let them grow into respectable and well behaved adults, if their methods proved fruitful and worked well, then they can only be commended for it.

Can't you see the difference between possible pain caused as a side effect of getting someone to safety and pain deliberately inflicted as punishment?

When you clap your hands, is it the left or right that hurts the most?

Originally Posted by mishkanorman
If my partner smacked me on the bum during an argument or tapped my hand you can bet your life I would lose my train of thought and most likely stop still,

I might even suggest it next time we are having a barney, sounds like it could be fun :cool:

Thanks for making me spill my coffee, that gave me a giggle.

mishkanorman

Person_one wrote: »

Can't you see the difference between possible pain caused as a side effect of getting someone to safety and pain deliberately inflicted as punishment?

Even if being pushed out of the way of an oncoming vehicle leaves you grazed and bruised it beats being run over! However, when parents choose to smack they aren't doing so to avoid worse physical pain. Nobody ever saved a child's life by administering a 'light slap on the bum.'

Can you really not see that when parents smack its to avoid the same situation happening over and over again, would you want to get to the crossing and shove your child to the floor time and time again as they havent made the connection of what they were doing wrong ?

first day, smack bum, second occasion reminder of smack and warning it will happen again if they arent following the rules and so on,

its a re-enforcement of what is being said, not hit first warn later.

BJV

Being a parent s the hardest job / vocation I know.

No-one can ell you what will work and what will not, as children are are unique as adults. I never wanted to smack but I have just the once. do I regret it, do i think that it was form of abuse. No. Was I upset yes.

Children need boundaries, in order to be able to grow and mature. What is right for you may not be right for me. But I do not think that any one should be able to judge a good or a bad parent because of their stance on smacking.

For those non-smackers how do you enforce boundaries?

Naughty step? Time out? Again I watched all the documentaries, read all the books. Do you not think that constantly returning children to a time out zone, picking them up and physically returning them is also a form of abuse?

I do not advocate smacking I think it should be a personal choice and not one that is so often used as a moral high ground!

jayII

Maybe I'm reading the thread wrongly!

As I read it, the majority of the pro-smacking posters seem to be incredibly defensive about their right to smack. They also seem to be saying that it is the ONLY way to raise a well behaved child who is not killed by running into a road.

For instance I've seen my words used and twisted a few times in this thread, though I spoke specifically about my children and children in my care, and did not comment on anyone else's parenting choices.

I'm just interested to know if most of you honestly think that non-smacking carers/parents are condemning their children to an ASBO or to death by car/van/bus...

If not, and if you're comfortable with your parenting choices, then why the defensiveness?

jayII

BJV wrote: »

Being a parent s the hardest job / vocation I know.

No-one can ell you what will work and what will not, as children are are unique as adults. I never wanted to smack but I have just the once. do I regret it, do i think that it was form of abuse. No. Was I upset yes.

Children need boundaries, in order to be able to grow and mature. What is right for you may not be right for me. But I do not think that any one should be able to judge a good or a bad parent because of their stance on smacking.

For those non-smackers how do you enforce boundaries?

Naughty step? Time out? Again I watched all the documentaries, read all the books. Do you not think that constantly returning children to a time out zone, picking them up and physically returning them is also a form of abuse?

I do not advocate smacking I think it should be a personal choice and not one that is so often used as a moral high ground!

I enforce boundaries with a word or a look in the first instance. Once a young child knows that 'no' and 'don't' really mean that, they quickly learn to listen. Time out is useful, as is being excluded from activities for a few minutes if they couldn't behave in a civilised way. I never called it 'naughty step' or anything similar, it was simply time to cool or calm down. Something we all need at times. I know I need time to chill or calm down sometimes and I see learning to step out when they're not coping as a good life skill for children to learn.

In my (extensive) experience, a naughty child is usually either: overwhelmed in some way, tired/hungry/thirsty, scared or doesn't understand the rules or what is expected of them. Mental illness can also be a cause of sustained 'naughtiness', but that is rare in children.

But, with good planning and foresight, I've rarely needed to use time outs or anything like that. I.e. I know a road is nearby, so it is MY responsibility to ensure that my young child is safe.

When they were older I have also sent my children to their rooms and have grounded them as teenagers.

How do you enforce boundaries?

mishkanorman

jayII wrote: »

Maybe I'm reading the thread wrongly!

As I read it, the majority of the pro-smacking posters seem to be incredibly defensive about their right to smack. They also seem to be saying that it is the ONLY way to raise a well behaved child who is not killed by running into a road.

For instance I've seen my words used and twisted a few times in this thread, though I spoke specifically about my children and children in my care, and did not comment on anyone else's parenting choices.

I'm just interested to know if most of you honestly think that non-smacking carers/parents are condemning their children to an ASBO or to death by car/van/bus...

If not, and if you're comfortable with your parenting choices, then why the defensiveness?

I personally get defensive when Im called a child abuser :mad:

jayII

mishkanorman wrote: »

I personally get defensive when Im called a child abuser :mad:

That's not what I'm referring to.

I mean the posts where people are saying the equivalent of 'I do it because it is the only way', or 'it stops them becoming tearaways', or 'they'll end up dead in front of a car if they don't have the sharp shock of a smack first time around'.