Relationship advice please....

BitterAndTwisted

In the OP's position, once I had accepted that this husband is no good as parent-material and never was I would endeavor to get myself up the duff asap. With this new chap or not. Tempus fugit, and in our mid-thirties it really does bloody-well fugit. You've got on average perhaps five years of potential child-bearing left. ONLY FIVE YEARS.

There are far, far worse things to be than a single parent managing in your ownsome. A childless woman past child-bearing age full of regret and disappointment is one of them.

tinktinktinkerbell

i think youve done the right thing, you both wanted different things and unless you could work on that and not resent the other (and there sounds like there was resentment from you to him) its not going to work

FBaby

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

In the OP's position, once I had accepted that this husband is no good as parent-material and never was I would endeavor to get myself up the duff asap. With this new chap or not. Tempus fugit, and in our mid-thirties it really does bloody-well fugit. You've got on average perhaps five years of potential child-bearing left. ONLY FIVE YEARS.

There are far, far worse things to be than a single parent managing in your ownsome. A childless woman past child-bearing age full of regret and disappointment is one of them.

I would recommend the exact opposite....don't make a decision purely based on you chance of becoming a mum and ignoring everything else because no matter what you have no guarantee that you will be able to become a mum with any one.

When my second child was over a year I got hit by that all consuming broodiness and those who've been through it will know how it tends to seriously affect any sense of reason. I did have enough left though to know that there was no way I would have another child with my then partner because of many issues that would have made it extremely difficult. In the end, we separated, and being 34 at the time, I was full of hope that I would find someone else and become a mum again. Well wishing and making it happen are two different things and I didn't meet my perfect man until 4 years later. I fell madly in love with him, but when he announced that he would love to become a dad after only a few months together, I was over the moon and really though I'd hit the jackpot. We started trying and I fell pregnant first month trying, couldn't believe it...unfortunately, destiny had other plans for us, I miscarried shortly afterwards, and nothing happened months after months. We finally got referred for investigation, and receive a total shock when we were told that my partner swimmers were not up to scratch and that our chances of falling pregnant naturally again were next to none. It hit me a lot worse than him, at least on the surface. He is a lot more accepting of fate than I am. We agreed we would try one go of IVF (which we would need to pay), but gradually, he started to back stepped until he admitted that not only he wasn't comfortable with the idea of IVF because of the emotional strain, the costs, the low chance of success, but also that he was starting to doubt his desire to become a dad at his age. It hit me hard, very hard...even more when my ex and his girlfriend fell pregnant, giving my kids the sister I so desperately wanted to give them.

But in the end, I accepted it because I adore my partner and I realised that sharing my life and his love was much more important than having his baby. Of course, it is different because I am already massively lucky to be a mum, but having a baby with the man of my life meant a lot to me.

What I am trying to say is that although I can fully understand that the desire to become a mum at all cost could take over everything else, you have to be careful that it doesn't take you away from other good things when what you are giving up might not mean getting what you desperately want as an alternative.

OP, if you are happy with your new partner, if you see a much better future with him than you do with your husband, even if you were to never have children with him either, than definitely go for it. If however being with him is a compromise because he might be the one to share parenthood with you, then I would just stop to think twice about this decision.

Pollycat

scooby088 wrote: »

I think OP has really got herself to blame for part of her situation with her ex, she did state that the ex didn't want to get married, or have children. Sure from the get go that they were mismatched with different goals in the relationship. /

What i was trying to say was why start the relationship in the first place?? I do agree the EX has been playing games and showed no sign after getting back together in changing his mind, like i said cut her losses and stay with the BF. These subjects come up when relationships become serious and by what hasa been said the ex has always been adamant that he didn't want kids, so in part it is OP fault too.

No, the ex hasn't always said he didn't want kids.

i've already pointed out to you he changed his mind - not once but twice - solely (it now seems) to get the OP to come back to him.

No blame at all attached to the OP, imho.

scooby088 wrote: »

What i was trying to say was why start the relationship in the first place?? I do agree the EX has been playing games and showed no sign after getting back together in changing his mind, like i said cut her losses and stay with the BF. These subjects come up when relationships become serious and by what hasa been said the ex has always been adamant that he didn't want kids, so in part it is OP fault too.

Discussing whether to have children isn't something that young couples always talk about right at the beginning of a relationship (yes, yes, I know they should but it doesn't always work that way).

Sometimes it's too late - the relationship has already become serious before the vast difference in having children comes up.

And, the OP's ex did say he didn't want to get married, yet he did get married.

How was the OP to know he wouldn't change his mind on having children?

pinkclouds

FBaby wrote: »

I would recommend the exact opposite....don't make a decision purely based on you chance of becoming a mum and ignoring everything else because no matter what you have no guarantee that you will be able to become a mum with any one.

That's true... for a given value of true.

There are many ways to become a parent. You can get pregnant naturally, use IVF, use surrogacy, adopt, marry someone who has kids, etc. If you desperately want to be a mom and you stay married to someone who doesn't want kids then you will never have kids. If you make a fresh start and perhaps find someone else who does want kids, or if you go it alone, then you at least have the chance of becoming a mom.

I think it would be worse to regret never having that chance.

fannyanna

Maryland_Cookie wrote: »

BUT - I feel like I've given up too easily on my marriage. I never thought I'd get married only to end up being divorced.

Like you I have strong convictions about marriage and believe many people seperate / get divorced without really making an effort.

In your case however I think you have done the right thing. I think your first mistake was getting married. I don't see how a marriage can survive if you are both at complete odds on pretty fundamental things such as marriage and starting a family.

You made a mistake but it doesn't mean you have to punish yourself for the rest of your life by staying in a loveless marriage with a man that doesn't want children (when you desperately do).

Birdy12

Maryland_Cookie wrote: »

We split up, and I met up with an old boyfriend, had a couple of dates, nothing serious. OH then says he wants me back and will think about trying for a baby.

Maryland_Cookie wrote: »

So, a few months ago I left OH and moved into my own place and started a relationship with new chap.

All is going well, obviously its only early days with new chap, but we do alsorts together and have lots of shared interests. Its too early days to talk about babies.

BUT - I feel like I've given up too easily on my marriage. I never thought I'd get married only to end up being divorced. My friends and family all say I've tried harder than I should, but I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for moving on with new chap so quickly. OH is really upset and depressed. I see him occasionally and he still texts me. He has said once, "what if I said we'd have a baby", but he's said this before and not meant it.

Isn't it funny that he only considers having a baby with you when you've met someone else. Doesn't he ever want you to be happy? There's a part of me that considers what he has done/still does almost sadistic. Having said that, you say he's really upset and depressed. Well, perhaps he needs to see a doctor instead of dragging you down.

Move on and shed the guilt. Everyone deserves to be happy, you included.

Maryland_Cookie

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whitewing

You haven't wasted your time at all. Your years of being with your ex will help you have the future relationship that you want, and you know that the chance of your baby is still an important desire for you.

I was six years alone before I got together with DH and I still really appreciate that he came along.