Relationship advice please....

FBaby

Why do I often feel differently to what everyone else has written.... In any case, although I can see why everyone is telling you that the right thing is to move on, and I certainly do agree that you have given it all to that relationship, my gut feeling is that you must be careful not to only focus on what you never got to have with your husband, but also keep in mind what you did have, which you might potentially (I do say potentially) have taken for granted.

What I'm saying is that what you should also bear in mind, in addition to your desire to become a mum which you have every right to consider a priority, is your feelings for this man outside of this particular issue. The fact that you feel guilty and uncomfortable with you moving on, when really, you should feel over the moon at having met someone else and being on the way to move on makes me wonder whether you have focussed so much on the need to separate because of your chance of becoming a mum being taken away from your husband that you have forgotten how much you do love him. After all, there must be a reason why you have stayed with him for so long and married him despite his letting you down.

There has been little mention of love in your messages, so my answer would be dependent on this. If you still love your husband very much, feel that although things are going well with your new man, something is missing that makes you think of what you had with your husband, I wouldn't completely forget about the idea of getting back with him. If however your feelings are trully of guilt, not because of your love for him but because of your natural maternal instinct of protection, feeling bad that HE is hurt, then I would certainly get rid of these feelings and move on once for all.

If you assess that you still very much love your husband and that he is the love of your life despite his reticence to becoming a dad, and that this is really the only issue (which might be the cause of the other problems) I would tell him that there are no more compromises on your part and that either you start trying for a baby immediately and realistically (ie, no not in the mood on d-day!).

The reason why I am saying that is because I know two couples who were on the brink of breaking up for the exact reason (the man being scared of becoming a dad), who were officially given the ultimatum, and who turned out to be the more soppy dads. One of them is the one begging for a second one with the mum (who is now 42) being the one having doubts!!

sharonfrancis

similiar thing happened to me - stayed in a relationship 6 years to long! and I was well aware of my biological clock! God werent even having sex (his choice) - but I just couldnt finish it with him!! Sad I know! Finally built up courage to finish it! Felt terrible!! BUT.........................
Met a loving chap and was pregnant a year later.......... - I am soooo happy now..... have a gorgeous son, and a lovely partner who treats me like a well! I still keep with my ex - he is a nice bloke! Just wasnt a nice boyf! I am the one happy and he isnt which is rather sad........but my advice is if it doesnt feel right it isnt...... if you want children then it is your right as a woman - no man should ever tell play with that emotion...... trust me - I have been there...

scooby088

I think OP has really got herself to blame for part of her situation with her ex, she did state that the ex didn't want to get married, or have children. Sure from the get go that they were mismatched with different goals in the relationship. If the current B/F wants those things the OP wants then all i can advise is cut all contact with the ex and dont go breaking your BF's heart by leaving him.

VitaK

You hubby have every right to say no children. Your hubby have no right to say that he will give you children, when he have no intention of doing so.

You have every right to want children, but you have no right to force it on a man that is not commited to have children. Coming off the pills trying to get pregnant without hes knowledge is very very very wrong.

You have the right to end the marriage with your hubby if you cant find a middle ground.

Pollycat

scooby088 wrote: »

I think OP has really got herself to blame for part of her situation with her ex, she did state that the ex didn't want to get married, or have children. Sure from the get go that they were mismatched with different goals in the relationship. /

I really disagree with this.

Yes, the OP's ex may have said he didn't want to get married and said he didn't want kids but after a break-up, he told the OP he'd changed his mind - and he did this TWICE.

Of course the OP believed him.
I can't see how the OP is to blame for any part of this - unless you mean believing a bloke who lied to get her to take him back.

scooby088

Pollycat wrote: »

scooby088 wrote: »

I think OP has really got herself to blame for part of her situation with her ex, she did state that the ex didn't want to get married, or have children. Sure from the get go that they were mismatched with different goals in the relationship. /

I really disagree with this.

Yes, the OP's ex may have said he didn't want to get married and said he didn't want kids but after a break-up, he told the OP he'd changed his mind - and he did this TWICE.

Of course the OP believed him.
I can't see how the OP is to blame for any part of this - unless you mean believing a bloke who lied to get her to take him back.

What i was trying to say was why start the relationship in the first place?? I do agree the EX has been playing games and showed no sign after getting back together in changing his mind, like i said cut her losses and stay with the BF. These subjects come up when relationships become serious and by what hasa been said the ex has always been adamant that he didn't want kids, so in part it is OP fault too.

JustinCredibleGillespie

I just want to wish you all the best for YOUR future Maryland. Everyone deserved to be happy. This new chap could be 'the one'. He's your second chance at life and hopefully you'll grab it with both hand.

Start looking after number one, your happiness is just as important as anyone elses.

I wish you all the best

JCG

xx

victory

Maryland_Cookie wrote: »

I'm sat reading these replies in tears, I feel like I have been such a fool. I have suffered with self esteem issues and depression on and off, more on than off over the past few years and I know you are right. He does know exactly which buttons to press, I know I wouldn't be happy and I would be compromising my happiness, but for some reason I almost feel like I don't deserve to be happy. These are my issues to work through, and I think I need to try counselling again to try and get to the bottom of it.

But thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. I do have a really close support net work of family and friends, and if I'm honest have said all the things you are saying, but I didn't believe them....to hear impartial views has really made me step back and think.

Thank you xxxx

Now you have posted this it is even more of a sad story that your OH would know which buttons to press and he pressed them often to manipulate you into believing he would change his mind, that you would get the family you craved, if only you stayed with him, if only he was in full control, more like.

CBT can help you with your self esteem issues and your depression, it is cruel beyond words for your OH to use those against you, as some sort of armour.

You may feel bad about yourself as you have stated but YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

You are unique, valuable, worthy of all your dreams coming true and a fighter, don't let OH drag you down again, boost your self esteem with your new beau and work towards lifting your depression and finding happiness with a future full of kids:D

purple.sarah

You have tried repeatedly to make the relationship work but where one person wants a baby and the other doesn't it's difficult to compromise. You have waited years for him to change his mind and he hasn't. It sounds like he gets scared of losing you so says he'll consider having a child but then can't go through with it. You need to break the vicious cycle and move on.

mountainofdebt

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where there simply is no compromise......you either have children or you don't.

I know others have said the ex has been manipulative but could the reality of the matter be that when they've split up he's thought about it and genuinely thought yes lets have children but when it come to actually conceiving a child he honestly couldn't?

Also, something to bear in mind is that what happens if the new man in the OP's life also doesn't want children?