How many chances do you give someone?

elvis86

BLUEBIE wrote: »

2 years ago a mnay turned up on my doorstep saying my husband had been having an affair with his wife. Any husband denies anything intimate intimate, its was more kissing etc. I do beleive him on this point even if it makes me look stupid. Anyway he promised to end it, again, and again, and again and I would find out he was seeing her again, and again, and again. Fast forward I don't know how many times later and I find out he has been texting again. I know for variuos reasons that it has just been texting. However he knew this was out of bounds. But he is claiming he hasn't done any7thing wrong as it was just jokes etc. I'm pi**ed off as I made him promise no contact.

If all of this is true (big if); it kind of makes it worse IMO.

Your marriage is in a crisis caused by his "relationship" with this woman. You agree to attempt to salvage it but (reasonably) stipulate that he must sever all contact with her. And despite things between them being limited to a kiss or two, he repeatedly sees her behind your back and breaks his promise to you, most recently to exchange jokes with her via text?

Does that not tell you how important your marriage is to him? He jeopordises it to exchange joke texts with a woman he kissed a couple of times?

I rather suspect that a lot more than kissing has gone on. Sounds like they can't stay away from each other.

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Now I do love him and I know he loves me

What gives you this impression? He's spent the last 2+ years repeatedly betraying your trust. Does that pass for "love" these days? Did the "love" part manifest itself in him attempting to keep it a secret "so you didn't get hurt"..?

It kind of rolls of the tongue, but when you sit and think about it, is that statement true? What has he done to show you he loves you?

BLUEBIE wrote: »

he is always distraught when he gets found out, well yeah!! We also have kids and the last time I said it would be the last time as my son had a breakdown with it all as obviuosley everytime I find out we row etc.

Half of me wants to stay because I love him and also the kids, but another side of me is telling me it is too damaging for the kids and I should leave for that reason alone.

Don't know what to do

Please be gentle.

I am also s*it scared of the future.

B

You should be scared of the future if it's a future with him in it. A future where you're repeatedly betrayed and lied to, a future where your self confidence is reduced to zero, and where your kids grow up watching their mum being treated like a doormat. I'd be !!!!!! scared of that.

Now, rejoice in the fact that you have the power to avoid this fate, and take decisive action to ensure none of this happens. Ditch the b*****d.

Scorpio33

I think you already know the answer to your question, but you are too afraid to admit it.

Personally I am all for giving someone 1million second chances, as long as each time they can genuinely show that they have learnt from previous mistakes and are willing to give as much effort as possible to correct things. I do think it is far too easy for people to get divorced in this country, and all relationships take effort - for better for worse is just that. But that has to be the case in both partners.

In this situation, it is clear that no matter how many chances you give him, nothing is changing. Yes there is a reason for this happening and maybe he can change and things will be better. But you have been there countless times before and there is no reason why things will be different this time. You will hear the old arguments and if you accept his word, things will go back to how they were - him having his cake and eating it.

So the only thing left for you is to walk out.

Change is a scary thing, but two people apart and happy is better for all concerned than two people together and unhappy.

You have to be strong - change your phone number, avoid mutual friends & places and cut yourself off from him for at least 2 months. Then look and see how much happier you can be on your own.

You can do this, you will be happier, your children will be happier and he will (eventually) be happier.

BLUEBIE

I do know all this but its very hard when he is crying etc saying I'm sorry I will always love you, I don't deserve you etc etc. I will ask him to keep the texts to the minimum, and start clearing the house up so he knows I am serious this time.

the_cat

Do you really love him? As he is now, not as you want him to be. Because he will never change. You have proved to him by accepting this behaviour time after time that you are prepared to do nothing but grumble for a bit and then let things go back to how they were. He has no reason to change his behaviour. you have taught him that he can do as he pleases. So he does

Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life? Put your kids through hell even to the point of breakdown? Chip away at your dignity and self respect? Let your children grown up thinking that this is the sort of relationship THEY should tolerate too, because you do

I understand you being scared of being alone. You have a heck of a lot of reasons to be more scared of staying imo

BLUEBIE

freemanl wrote: »

I think you already know the answer to your question, but you are too afraid to admit it.

Personally I am all for giving someone 1million second chances, as long as each time they can genuinely show that they have learnt from previous mistakes and are willing to give as much effort as possible to correct things. I do think it is far too easy for people to get divorced in this country, and all relationships take effort - for better for worse is just that. But that has to be the case in both partners.

In this situation, it is clear that no matter how many chances you give him, nothing is changing. Yes there is a reason for this happening and maybe he can change and things will be better. But you have been there countless times before and there is no reason why things will be different this time. You will hear the old arguments and if you accept his word, things will go back to how they were - him having his cake and eating it.

So the only thing left for you is to walk out.

See this is king off what I am feeling If I knew he would learn this time, I could probably get over it again, just as I was beginning to alst time, but do I risk it again? If I had a crystal ball which told me yes he won't do it again, I would work on it, but with 7 + times of tellng him to finish contact I'm still in the same boat. Whats the odds on this time being any different?

elvis86

BLUEBIE wrote: »

I do know all this but its very hard when he is crying etc saying I'm sorry I will always love you, I don't deserve you etc etc. I will ask him to keep the texts to the minimum, and start clearing the house up so he knows I am serious this time.

Whoa, no need to wheel out the big guns yet! Next you'll only be making him something on toast for his dinner and stopping ironing his underwear as well as his shirts, to really show him you mean business...

Seriously, I think it might need slightly more decisive action than that. Especially if he's refused to leave in the past.

the_cat

BLUEBIE wrote: »

I do know all this but its very hard when he is crying etc saying I'm sorry I will always love you, I don't deserve you etc etc. I will ask him to keep the texts to the minimum, and start clearing the house up so he knows I am serious this time.

He is saying and doing what he has found to have worked in the past. Just because he says he loves you and he is sorry, it doesn't mean he is prepared to change or act on those words. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't keep doing it. If he truly loved you, he would stop causing you hurt

Words are cheap. His actions are what count

BLUEBIE

elvis86 wrote: »

Whoa, no need to wheel out the big guns yet! Next you'll only be making him something on toast for his dinner and stopping ironing his underwear as well as his shirts, to really show him you mean business...

Seriously, I think it might need slightly more decisive action than that. Especially if he's refused to leave in the past.

Sorry I know that sounds lame, but legally I can't kick him out and due to an operation I can't rush into putting the house on the market But I also need him to know I mean business, as he keeps trying to hug me when putting the children to bed etc and If I respond with so much as a smile he will tihink its all going to be ok, and I don't want to lull him into a false sense that it will be, thus making it harder in time, if that makes sense?

the_cat

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Whats the odds on this time being any different?

0% guaranteed

Amanda65

BLUEBIE wrote: »

I do know all this but its very hard when he is crying etc saying I'm sorry I will always love you, I don't deserve you etc etc.

No he doesn't deserve you!

He will continue to behave the way you allow him to behave and he knows that you still love him and will keep forgiving him, therefore he will keep doing it.

If it were me (and this is only what I would do, no-one can decide what you should do) I would ask him to leave, initially on a temporary basis and tell him that he has to go to counselling with you and then MAYBE, at the end of it, you may consider re-building a relationship.

For me the writing would have been on the wall when it upset one of my children so badly that they had a breakdown . Do what you will to me but never hurt my children.