Emtionally incompatible

podperson

poet123 wrote: »

I think that being able to laugh in bed denotes quite a high degree of intimacy. Obviously, if the other person doesn't share the same wavelength then you have a problem, but that problem is not just in the bedroom, that is a deeper issue.

Agree with this, was rather surprised that making a joke in bed was seen as 'putting up a wall' - me and OH will talk, cuddle and share jokes in bed and it just adds to the intimacy, I see it as us being completely comfortable with each other so we can share anything and it doesn't affect things in a negative way.
I'm very unclear from your posts what you're wanting from your OH so I'm guessing perhaps he has a similar problem? If you want him to behave in a certain way then talk to him about it - but if it is him acting in a 'mushy' romantic way then maybe that's something he struggles with. I know my OH will rarely say a lot of mushy things (usually comes out when he's had a few :rotfl:) but he will show me in other ways that he loves me and thinks about me so am fine with that - maybe other people wouldn't be and would need the words constantly.

Errata

Dunroamin wrote: »

Totally disagree - the best place to laugh is in bed.:)

By a factor of several magnitudes far more women get laughed into bed than laughed out of it.

rachbc

I don't think this is just him causing a problem - ok so he made a (possibly inappropriate) joke - but why then did you put up a wall and decide the moment was ruined? How you choose to react to him is just as much an issue as what he does - can you imagine a different way of responding that could have still ended up with the outcome you want?

cottonhead

It would depend what the joke was. Was it something that would normally be funny in a different situation or was it something more personal that made you feel embarassed or made fun of ? I dont mean for you to tell all, just have a think to yourself. If its the latter then perhaps you lack confidence in yourself and what was meant as a joke actually hurt you a bit.
If its the first then I guess that sort of thing must have happended before in 15 years of marriage. I find myself sometimes getting a bit down and feeling unloved. Then I realised it was happening at certain times of the month. My husband had not changed his way of behaving but I was being more sensetive. It took me years to realise the conection .
Some men just dont show they care in the same way a woman would. He probably shows you in other way and might not even realise that you feel the way you do. He might think he is doing a great job. have a think if something has changed recently thats playing on your mind and work from there. perhaps you just took it worse than you usually would. I sometimes ask my husband to list the things he likes about me and I do the same in return. Sounds odd but its quite nice to hear it. Plan something to do together that you both enjoy as well and have a chat with no interuptions.
Hope you feel better soon.

jaqui59

Just wondering if your needs for intimacy are not happening at the same time .. It could be that your hubby is e.g. waking at 3am feeling the need for some carresses, cuddles and some tender words, but dare not disturb you in your slumber, or maybe during the day whilst he as work and so on.

belfastgirl23

I have a feeling that this is probably the tip of an iceberg really. In part because it sounds like you decided that the wall went up, you were the one who withdrew from the moment. It's hard to judge without knowing what he said and why you perceived it as putting a wall up. How did you react? Did you try to talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way? Did you ask him why he said it - not angrily but as a genuine question?

Honestly at this stage you probably can't change him, what you need to work on is changing your dynamic. Do you praise and reward him when you do connect with him? When you can't connect with him do you try to understand from his perspective why this is happening? As an aside sometimes DH thinks I'm being cross with him when I'm really just very tired and trying to process a long and busy day at work. It sort of feels like you're making all of this about you somehow when from his perspective it might have nothing at all to do with you.

The best way to change the world is to change yourself. Is there anything you can do to try to make a positive change in your relationship? At least by trying you are taking back some power rather than feeling like a person who is the recipient (or not) of someone else's emotions.

euronorris

addresses wrote: »

Jokes and laughter and fun have their place, belly laughing, rolling about having cracked a joke is great and happens but it has it place and lying in bed on a one to one hoping for some intamacy and one to one is not the place and wrong in timing.

I think that is a matter of opinion. OH and I often share a joke together in bed. Something private, and intimate, that we would never joke about with others. It is just for us, and forms part of our intimate moments and bonding.

I am not entirely clear what you want. Can you give us an example? I am also wondering, if I am not sure what you want, maybe your husband isn't sure either?

QuackQuackOops

addresses wrote: »

Last night lying in bed, face to face, wanted some tender words, shut out the world, just husband and myself, just us and he makes a joke and spoils the intamacy, the connection the moment past, the emotional brick wall comes up and we end up rowing of course.

I get to feel yet again lonely and isolated and you know when you can yelp in pain from the hurt that is me.

It happens all the time, he says he loves me and I know he does and we do,15 years of love, I just want sometimes to be told something special for me, for me and my husband to enjoy the moment, the one to one but up comes the greatest emotional incompatibility and we struggle on.

Sometimes it should be about just us, why can it not be just about us two from time to time, savouring the moment?

My husband knows this is a problem, I know this makes me feel alone and sad and rejected , I think this is a massive problem by my husband says it is not. Why can a person not be surrounder by love sometimes?

Thank you

Addresses

It is usually our own expectations not being met that cause the problems.

If you learn to drop your expectations then you will soon be less disappointed when things do not happen the way youd like them to.

VitaK

If it ends up in arguments and make you feel unloved and issolated then its an issue you need to work on together.

My wifes oppinion. Face to face...sparkling eyes...in the moment...'Three men walk into a pup' joke...*slap*...I sleep on the sofa.

Mrs.W_2

the_cat wrote: »

That wouldn't help you!:D Not all women are like that

My friend's husband does the whole romantic gestures thing, even sends her poetry :eek:. Eurgh! If my husband did that I would find it weird and a complete turn off. I doubt I'm the only one!

You are not the only one. My reaction to poems &c would be contact embarrassment.