Emtionally incompatible

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the_cat wrote: »

I don't think you have a realistic expectation of a relationship tbh if you are wanting a romantic, violins in the background romance after so many years together. Sorry but as poster above says, that's the movies, not real life

You say it is a major problem yet the relationship is still going strong after 15 years! The two don't really tally.

You need to work out what is really important. Are you prepared to lose him altogether, with all the downsides that it would entail? He won't (and probably can't) change. You clearly love him, so it might be a case of accepting him as he is now, or moving on. Is this really enough of a reason to throw away a good relationship? (assuming it is, of course)

Thank you for your reply.

It really is not about the romantic movies, the hearts and flowers and vilins playing in the background, it is much deeper than that, it is about maybe once in a while making it just us, with beauty, just us and not having anything else.

I know what a relationship is and all that it is, after 15 years we both do but just sometimes it would be nice to have some time and words together.

To me it is a very important lack of emtional needs met but obviously to my husband it is not.

That is what I am asking for help for, I know I am loosing him because everytime it happens over the years it takes a bit more away, it hurts more, it is more, it is a critical part of the relationship, so I can loose him and start again with all that entails, of course in any ones eyes it is not worth it but is the isolation and loneliness one person can give another worth it?

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VfM4meplse wrote: »

Was it like this before you got married?

I do not suppose it was so much then because it was early days where the 'violins' play in the background anyway because you are heady in love and every day is a hop and a skip and a jump with happiness, that is not realistic 15 years down the line, everyone knows that, it is not even faintly like it used to be and should not be with every day life but sometimes like last night it could be but was not.

Dunroamin

Why can't a joke between husband and wife be part of an intimate moment?

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Raksha wrote: »

You're not alone.

Do you mean because I have a husband? I mean I am alone in the feelings, in wanting to feel and hear,caress and have some tenderness and time one to one, just us from time to time and am left feeling completely alone,

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Dunroamin wrote: »

Why can't a joke between husband and wife be part of an intimate moment?

Jokes and laughter and fun have their place, belly laughing, rolling about having cracked a joke is great and happens but it has it place and lying in bed on a one to one hoping for some intamacy and one to one is not the place and wrong in timing.

margaretclare

I soooo understand what you mean. Thank God, DH and I have it. But he didn't have it in 2 earlier marriages, not with either ex - that's why they're ex! Just holding hands, the tender look..'Touch my hair as you pass my chair/Little things mean a lot'.

I understand. But that doesn't mean I have any helpful suggestions to make. It is NOT about wanting life to be like a romantic film, it's the little things that do - as the song says - mean so much, mean everything.

I watched a film recently on BBC TV in the 'Wonderland' series about a couple who'd been married 40 years who went on a cruise. I felt so sorry for the woman. She evidently didn't get any of those tender moments. It doesn't matter how many years you've been married. It's still there!

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margaretclare wrote: »

I soooo understand what you mean. Thank God, DH and I have it. But he didn't have it in 2 earlier marriages, not with either ex - that's why they're ex! Just holding hands, the tender look..'Touch my hair as you pass my chair/Little things mean a lot'.

I understand. But that doesn't mean I have any helpful suggestions to make. It is NOT about wanting life to be like a romantic film, it's the little things that do - as the song says - mean so much, mean everything.

I watched a film recently on BBC TV in the 'Wonderland' series about a couple who'd been married 40 years who went on a cruise. I felt so sorry for the woman. She evidently didn't get any of those tender moments. It doesn't matter how many years you've been married. It's still there!

Thank you for understanding, it was never about the romantic films it is like you say the little things that mean so much that are part of us, that only each other can provide, that we seek in each other, that are special to us, that I need to hear and know.

Gloomendoom

How is he supposed to know that you want all this mushy stuff?

Speaking from extensive experience (as a man), subtle hints aren't likely to work, no matter how much you think he 'should' pick up on them.

*max*

If he has never been like this (touchy feely, romantic...etc) in 15 years, he's very unlikely to change now! Have you talked to him about it? Tbh, if you were behaving in the same style you write about it, it may have been a little cringy for him, and uncomfortable. Maybe he joked to break the tension?

Also, you may want to change your writing style a little, otherwise there is not much point making up a new name I think.

Dunroamin

addresses wrote: »

Jokes and laughter and fun have their place, belly laughing, rolling about having cracked a joke is great and happens but it has it place and lying in bed on a one to one hoping for some intamacy and one to one is not the place and wrong in timing.

Totally disagree - the best place to laugh is in bed.:)