Emtionally incompatible

BugglyB

I think people are being a little unfair with the OP. Flowers and poems make me cringe too. My oh jokes and farts a lot. But I live for those small moments in our relationship where I get a smile or a touch on the arm that shows I am the most important woman in the world to him. Sometimes he picks me up and swings me round. Anyone who has a loving relationship will know what I mean.

aliasojo

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Not sure if this is a bored attempt to troll? Assuming it's not:

He's not going to change after 15 years. You want something he doesn't know how to give you. Either he agrees to seek help with you from a third party to strengthen your bond, or you accept that is the way your relationship is.

I don't believe this is a troll, I believe it's a regular poster under a new name.

My gut feeling (and I'm happy to be wrong in this) is that this poster has a tendency to look at things in a 'certain' way. It's not so much the event itself, as their interpretation of the event. Iyswim?

OP, I can only suggest you talk to your OH. It may be that due to the differences in the thought patterns of males and females generally, he just wont understand why you have a problem.

You're a bit dissatisfied at the moment, but he has been the same for many years so he probably wont understand why you are hurt by his ways now.

I don't think this will be an easy one to rectify tbh. You basically want/need him to be a certain way, yet that's not his natural instinct so it will be hard for him to become more romantic when his whole instinct leans more to a jokey type of persona.

If he's a good man in other ways and you have a good life generally, then perhaps the whole Mills and Boon thing is just not to be. It depends on what you want more I guess.

Gloomendoom

aliasojo wrote: »

I don't believe this is a troll, I believe it's a regular poster under a new name.

I think that distinct possibility probability was raised on page one.

If he's a good man in other ways and you have a good life generally, then perhaps the whole Mills and Boon thing is just not to be. It depends on what you want more I guess.

Mills and Boon was exactly what popped into my head when I read the OP. Mills and Boon is a literary fantasy world just like the Harry Potter books. It doesn't exist in real life. Trying to live an unattainable fantasy is just going to lead to all kinds of disappointment and feelings of unfulfillment... and it's not really anybody else's fault.

balletshoes

addresses wrote: »

Thank you for your reply.

It really is not about the romantic movies, the hearts and flowers and vilins playing in the background, it is much deeper than that, it is about maybe once in a while making it just us, with beauty, just us and not having anything else.

I know what a relationship is and all that it is, after 15 years we both do but just sometimes it would be nice to have some time and words together.

To me it is a very important lack of emtional needs met but obviously to my husband it is not.

That is what I am asking for help for, I know I am loosing him because everytime it happens over the years it takes a bit more away, it hurts more, it is more, it is a critical part of the relationship, so I can loose him and start again with all that entails, of course in any ones eyes it is not worth it but is the isolation and loneliness one person can give another worth it?

forgive me, I'm not a very romantic or romantically emotional person - I've read your posts so far and I don't really understand what it is you want your husband to do or say, exactly? Maybe he doesn't understand either, even though to you its a huge problem and its driving a wedge between you. What exactly would you like to hear him say? What exactly would you like him to do to make that emotional connection with you?

To me, so far (sorry again) its all very vague, what you want him to do, and I haven't a clue what you want. "some time for us, just us, with beauty" etc - what does that mean?

balletshoes

VitaK wrote: »

If it ends up in arguments and make you feel unloved and issolated then its an issue you need to work on together.

My wifes oppinion. Face to face...sparkling eyes...in the moment...'Three men walk into a pup' joke...*slap*...I sleep on the sofa.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:I just laughed out loud there - no walls going up here!!

aliasojo

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I think that distinct possibility probability was raised on page one.

Ah sorry just saw the troll comment and glanced at the rest.

Forgive me for being repetitive then. :D



Edit: Just re-read page 1 and can't see where anyone said this was another poster? *bit confused now but never mind*

RadoJo

I have to agree with the majority of posters - if you are asking your husband for what you want in such a vague and nonspecific way as you are describing it on here, then I am not surprised that you aren't getting what you want. It may be hard to describe how you feel, but it must be even harder to guess, especially if your natural reaction is to get into a row and shut him out when he gets things wrong.
All the stuff about 'beauty' and 'special words' is all very well in a love song, but when it comes to practicalities I think I would probably be at a loss to pull it out of the bag, especially at the end of a working day when we're about to go to sleep. I also find that sharing a joke with my husband is one of the most romantic and intimate things we can do because we 'get' each other in a way that nobody else does.

Any

I am the sort of person who without regular cuddles and silliness would no longer be married. Fortunately my OH doesn't mind, I generally just say "right, move away from the table (when he is sitting on the chair), I am going to have big squeeze cuddle now". I also touch his hair etc. I love being tickled, just softly running hands over my skin and having hair messed with etc.. for men this does not come naturaly. And he hates tickling. For him bless is having his back scratched. But I usually start all this, and over time he now thinks there is something wrong if I did not ask for my big cuddle. He is a man - he usually shows love by grabing my bum when I am cooking or something (not the right time for me, trust me).

OP, you write like romantic novel. "share beautiful moment" etc. And it is completely unclear what exactly it is you want. If you speak to your OH like this I bet he cringes. And is hell confused. It also seems that you have very specific idea at what the "moment" should exactly look like. But he cannot read your mind, even after 15 year. Not even after 40 years he will be able to!! I think you need to lower your expectations and look out for other signs too. I don't know what the joke was, but unless it was nervous proper joke telling rather then just funny sentence then I cannot see that being all wrong.

timeou

I know exactly how the OP feels as my hubby is EXACTLY the same.

No spontaneous kisses, cuddles, the touch of an arm. Nothing.

He's been like it since day 1 and we have been married 12 years this year. I am always the one to go for a cuddle, squeeze etc - he will then, but not always willingly. He will occasionally instigate sex but not very romantically, usually quite jokily and depending on my mood I can occasionally get quite offended that he can't just be serious for once. He seems to have quite a low drive.

He's a very good husband, works hard, is a very good dad and helps around the house but this emotionally dead aspect of his personality can be very, very hard work. He's not a talker either - communication is very difficult. I've become used to his ways over the years and become quite emotionally conservative myself.

My latest gripe (and it's threatening to escalate into a biggie) is that after 10 years not having a single hobby because the children have been small, I have recently joined a theatre group and we are doing a show every night next week. My hubby hasn't shown the slightest bit of interest in the whole thing - he hasn't said he minds me going (the past few weeks I've been out 3 nights a week rehearsing) but then he hasn't said he doesn't mind either. He hasn't asked a single question about it - shown any interest at all.

This morning though, he asked 'how many nights are you at this pantomime next week' (It's not a pantomime!!!! - I find that really insulting and I'm sure he knows it...) despite me making it clear from the start that the show would be on for a full week and I would be busy and commited to it - I'm really loving it and enjoying it and I know he's doing it to belittle my interest.

I despair at times, I really do..

poet123

I think most men have to be trained by the woman in their life to deliver what she needs emotionally as it differs so much from one woman to the next. And, if we are honest, differs in most of us even from one moment to the next, and so they flounder about hoping to get it right and often not succeeding!!

They really are so different. I am sometimes (just now actually) a bit wistful about the fact that I only have sons, and that living in a house full of men is quite alien. I have a birthday coming up and of course Mother's Day is next week.

I was out with friends last night all of whom have daughters, and listened to their tales of shopping trips, girly lunches, and well thought out planned ahead of time birthday surprises, and I was a bit envious.

I have a great relationship with all my sons but trips out with them shopping are rare, and consist of " I need to choose a suit, that shop will do, try two on, pick one!! Birthday presents are bought last minute because they don't know what to buy and have little insight into what would be different or unusual, and practical things like Oil of Ulay, plants and chocolates figure high on the agenda.

Don't misunderstand me, I am pleased they buy anything, but because they are men they really are wired differently. I am sure the women in their life will mould the into shape, but uncut most men are like the above, it is the default setting!!

So, my point is that you need to tell him what you need, show him, and then maybe lower your expectations until he is "trained up"!!