Emtionally incompatible

addresses

Last night lying in bed, face to face, wanted some tender words, shut out the world, just husband and myself, just us and he makes a joke and spoils the intamacy, the connection the moment past, the emotional brick wall comes up and we end up rowing of course.

I get to feel yet again lonely and isolated and you know when you can yelp in pain from the hurt that is me.

It happens all the time, he says he loves me and I know he does and we do,15 years of love, I just want sometimes to be told something special for me, for me and my husband to enjoy the moment, the one to one but up comes the greatest emotional incompatibility and we struggle on.

Sometimes it should be about just us, why can it not be just about us two from time to time, savouring the moment?

My husband knows this is a problem, I know this makes me feel alone and sad and rejected , I think this is a massive problem by my husband says it is not. Why can a person not be surrounder by love sometimes?

Thank you

Addresses

VfM4meplse

addresses wrote: »

I think this is a massive problem by my husband says it is not. Why can a person not be surrounder by love sometimes?

Not sure if this is a bored attempt to troll? Assuming it's not:

He's not going to change after 15 years. You want something he doesn't know how to give you. Either he agrees to seek help with you from a third party to strengthen your bond, or you accept that is the way your relationship is.

DVardysShadow

addresses wrote: »

Last night lying in bed, face to face, wanted some tender words, shut out the world, just husband and myself, just us and he makes a joke and spoils the intamacy, the connection the moment past,

What was the joke? Sometimes people make jokes to cover things up ....

londonsurrey

He might be embarassed by what he considers mushy stuff. Vfm4 is right, find counselling or something, or just accept him. He can't change just because you've told him to; after 15 years, that bit ought to be clear enough!

rachelstephen7

Please do something before it’s too late hunny. You might not split up but it might make you unhappy for many many years.

Although my ex didn’t joke, he was very much ‘go to bed, possibly have sex (rarely though) go to sleep’. There was never a cuddle, never a tender moment. He never told me he loved me as he always said ‘you know I do, I wouldn’t have married you otherwise’. But it never felt it. He claimed that paying most of the bills was his way of showing his love… (Honestly I would rather have been skinter, but felt loved and wanted). We didn’t cuddle on the sofa as he was too busy on his laptop talking to friends / playing games.

Wher’as my current boyfriend and I always make sure we have a good cuddle every night to just be in each others arms, and we always have one in the morning to set the day up. Not a day has gone by since we got together where has hasn’t told me he loves me, or told me how lucky he is, or something equally as nice. We both refuse to go on the computer after about 9 as this is ‘us time’.

You say he doesn’t realise how much it means to you, please get this message across. Mine only realised how much it meant to me after we split up which I would imagine is not what you want.

*hugs*

pearl123

Adressess - I could have written you post. I know exactly how you feel.
I feel invisible half the time to my other half. I sometimes wonder if I didn't offer a kiss to my other half whether he'd even realise they were missing. The problem is you end up feeling so unloved, unwanted and dejected it becomes quite depressing.

I'm not even sure it's possible to change someones nature. By the way people can withdraw warmth in a relationship as a form of abuse because they don't want us to have what we seek. Or maybe if he is cracking a joke he's just uncomfortable.

Peater

Sounds like you are lusting after some kind of movie romance.

As pearl says, it's probably just makes him uncomfortable. Something i could empathise with.

the_cat

I don't think you have a realistic expectation of a relationship tbh if you are wanting a romantic, violins in the background romance after so many years together. Sorry but as poster above says, that's the movies, not real life

You say it is a major problem yet the relationship is still going strong after 15 years! The two don't really tally.

You need to work out what is really important. Are you prepared to lose him altogether, with all the downsides that it would entail? He won't (and probably can't) change. You clearly love him, so it might be a case of accepting him as he is now, or moving on. Is this really enough of a reason to throw away a good relationship? (assuming it is, of course)

addresses

Thank you for all the replies.

I am not a troll.

I am not lusting after a romantic movie, I am wanting some one to one time, some tenderness, there is nothing wrong with that.

The joke had no bearing on the moment, it was a wall going up, tearing apart the moment.

If he cannot change after 15 years then if he knows this is causing me loneliness and pain why can he not occasionally once in a while give me what I want or need? Marriage and relationships are all about compromise and I will and have done masses for him why not make it go smoother and not let me suffer so?

rachel thank you for understanding.

Pearl thank you too, it is the invisibality, the lack of importance, I do feel unloved as you say. I feel I give more and get back less.

Thank you

addresses

VfM4meplse

addresses wrote: »

it is the invisibality, the lack of importance, I do feel unloved as you say. I feel I give more and get back less

Was it like this before you got married?

Raksha

You're not alone.